Remember back when you were young and chubby and so darn self-conscious about the whole deal, that when someone called you fat it was mortifying and distressing and hurtful?  What happens now?  Does it matter who's saying it?  Does it matter if it's a man or woman?  Child or adult?  Teenager?

I'd love your input.



I've come to terms with it.  I call myself fat...why on earth can't others?  I mean, all one has to do is look at me and know it's a fact.  It's not as though I can argue the point!  It doesn't hurt, anymore.  And if it's a child, it's all the better because I can help them see that even if I AM fat, I'm still an awesome person.  I love kids...they're so refreshingly honest and moldable.

So tell me how you used to react and if it's changed at all.  I wanna know!

Alright....now that this whole month is behind me, I can concentrate, once again, on my life as it stands today.

I'm fully off of my antidepressant medication.  I'm not sure that that is a good thing because it was also controlling my anxiety, and goodness knows that I tend to worry about everything...which, in turn, doesn't work well with my high blood pressure!  Isagenix is supposed to help with all of that...so beginning on Monday I'm starting over again.  Before, I hadn't realized that my meds were counter-working with the Isagenix and preventing me from losing weight.  I'd never given it much thought before about the side effects of Celexa and how it can make one gain weight.  NOT what I wanted whilst trying to LOSE weight.

So, of course, over the course of about 1½ months I weaned myself off of my anti-d's and would like to say that I feel all the better for it...but there was definitely a reason I was taking them.  The anxiety is bad now.  And my mood is not good.  It's like I'm looking on as someone else takes control of my voice and I've turned into a bitch!  Seriously.  I'm not a fun person to be around, anymore, and I don't like it.  I don't like who I've become.

Some say that when they're taking antidepressants they feel as though they don't have control over their emotions.  I had more control over mine.  Now, it's as though they're running rampant through me and I can't stop it no matter how hard I'm trying.

But...as I mentioned before, Isagenix is supposed to help with that sort of thing.  So I'm going to give it some time to work.  I just wish I'd have picked a better time to do it.  No job, now maybe no student loan for school in the fall, old hospital bills that I can't afford to pay...it's all one thing after another.  Some days I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.  And then comes the suicide thoughts.  They're not as bad as they once were...back when my marriage was at a rocky point...but they're there.  I tell myself that I'm to blame for not bringing in any money so maybe if I remove myself from the equation....

Now, I'm not saying the above to get a rash of people telling me that that isn't the way to go, etc.  I know that.  I don't want to die.  But I DO want to go to school and have enough money to do so!  I want to better my life by getting a job in an area that I love.  I can't do that at this point in my life.  But geez...just a part time job of 20  hours or less at minimum wage....you'd think I'd be able to find something.  But noooo....it's quite frustrating.

Monday begins the Isagenix regimen again.  After a month of mediocrity and half-assed attempts at trying to stick to it while dealing with a cross country trip to Oklahoma and back and then having my niece and mum visit here in Reno.  It's time to get back on track.  I'm prefacing it all by getting back on track with my water intake.  I've been doing meh to okay when it comes to water...but I want to get back to drinking at least 4 Litres each day.  They say you're supposed to drink half of your weight in cups of water.  So if you weight 120, theoretically you should be drinking 60 6-oz cups of water each day.  So I have a LOT of water to drink!  Haha.

The rest of my summer is going to be humdrum.  No real plans.  My excitement has already  happened and that's good when it comes to changing my eating habits.  It'll also make me stick to my exercise regime and not allow me reasons for excuses.  I know that exercise releases endorphins, which make me happy...so that'll probably help with the anti-depressant/anxiety issue, as well.

I suck at goodbyes.  Especially when it's someone I love.  A lot.  Someone like my niece.

My posts this past week, as they have this entire past month, have been sporadic because my niece and mum have been visiting.

Maybe it's because I know what is in store for my niece.  No matter what steps I take to attempt to rectify her current situation with my sister...she still has to go back at some point.  And I knew that when I kissed and hugged her goodbye yesterday that it might just be the last time that I do so.  Not because I'm afraid that something will happen to her physically...but I'm afraid that whatever steps I DO take will be met with retaliation from my sister by not allowing me to ever see my niece again.  Or until she's older and makes up her own mind.  But I'm afraid that the mindset she'd be under then will not be one of positive feelings and memories.  Or possibly the latter but she just won't care.

So...when I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a gargantuan squeeze yesterday afternoon I started to cry because I knew it might be my last.  My last time to hug her, the last time to kiss her, the last time I hear her tell me she loves me in person.  (Ah hell...now I'm teary-eyed again!)

Those of you who know me closely know that I've lost a lot in the way of children in my life.  Fertility issues, nieces and nephews, etc.  So when I said goodbye to my niece it brought back a whole slew of emotions while I wondered what she has in store for her in life.  Whatever it is, it can't be good.  I will do what I can.  And then I must let go and let life take control.

Be well, sweet niece, of mine.  I love you.  And I will see you soon.

I just finished watching a movie called Remember Me.  It was dark, arty, and not too bad, actually.  But the end really had me going.  The very end.  When you realize what the whole movie has been building up toward.  That "oh shit" moment, when you realize exactly what is going to happen.

I'm still sitting here pondering the movie.  Still wondering why, how, when, what....

Watch it.  Don't give up on it if it seems too dark or slow.  Trust me on this.  Netflix has it.  Or you can, like me, download it.

We've all heard the cliché that time heals all wounds, right?  I used to believe that, but now I'm not so sure, anymore.  Of course, this is referring to my niece again...I can't help thinking of her right now at this very vulnerable time in her life.  I know that the direction she points herself all depends on her and what's inside...but with the environment that she's surrounded with on a daily basis, the odds are certainly not in her favor that she's going to grow up to be a successful, vibrant young woman.  They just aren't.  And that's the way it is.  Unless she's taken out of that environment and placed into a loving, supporting one.

It is times like this that I wish my life was in a very different place than it is right now.  Most others my age are settled into a life...they are where they want to be.  School has been over, most have a home, a kid or two, yada yada.  When you write the list down I do have many of those things...but there are so many others that I don't have.  And if I DID...I'd be able to provide a safe haven for my niece in these trying times of her life.  Oh who am I kidding...most of her life is trying and very few moments are good.

Is it fair that she's growing up in all of that?  Is it fair that she walks in cat shit on the floor every day?  Smells cat urine every day?  Is surrounded by 30 cats every day?  Has to deal with a drunken mother every day?  It's NOT fair.  But it's the hand she's been dealt.  I knew that fact as soon as my sister told me she was pregnant years ago!  And that's why I never wanted to become involved.  My sister will not ever let me or my mom see my niece again if she finds out that we do something to send the authorities sniffing around, again.  Do we risk that?  For what will, quite possibly, fail anyway?  For what will, most LIKELY, fail?

But then I have to stop myself....because those thoughts are selfish.  Those thoughts are thinking of me.  That's being concerned with what I want and not my niece's best wishes.  Of course, it's good for her to have the reprieve, as well.  Visits from grandma and grandpa, summers with them, phone calls with me.  It's good for her to have that support system to help her when times get so rough.  Right now she can't do anything...but in a few, short years, she will be able to.  But in a few, short years she may not care anymore.

Time...it's an enemy in this case.  My niece is a pawn in a game that my sister started years and years ago.

This is proof, to me, that a god does not exist.  If one did, my niece would never be in such a situation.  Nor would any other child.

I'd like to think karma will get my sister, one day.  But then I think, what can it possibly do to her that it hasn't already?  She wouldn't care.  Nor would she even understand the comeuppance. 

Last year when I started school I went to their loan "workshop" (more like meeting) to learn about the ins and outs of loans and financial aid and what I need to do and how much I can take out a loan for.  At the time I chose to go through Fannie Mae.

A few weeks ago, before I left for Oklahoma, I received an email letting me know that I was denied any FAFSA help because of our income (based on me working half of 2009) and only awarded $3500 for a loan for this upcoming school year.  That won't even get me through one semester, let alone two!

So I ask them how I can apply for a larger loan and they tell me that since they're moving over to a new system they're cutting Fannie Mae out of the game and doing it directly...and I can only get what they award me for a loan.  I was shocked.  Last year I was told that once I do all the initial paperwork I'd be able to take out a loan for up to 10k per school year, if needed....which increases when I move up from Freshman status to Sophomore, etc.  Now they're telling me I can't take out a loan anymore for any more than what they grant me.

I think fate has it out for me.  I mean, seriously.  I am not working.  TMCC says that my "family help" will be almost $13,000.  What family???  Where is all of this money supposedly coming from when we are barely squeezing by and living paycheck to paycheck?  So I filled out the paperwork for a loan increase and will have the answer by the end of next month.  They also said that I can file for an income review but that I can't do that until October, forcing me to miss Fall semester.

I just can't seem to catch a break.  No job, no job prospects, Kurt's income cutback, AND the stupid hospital denied by request for charity financial help AGAIN by saying that I make too much money!!!  WHERE the FUCK is the money that all these people are thinking that I have???  I mean REALLY!!!  If someone can find it I'd sure enjoy having it so that I can stop stressing myself sick over not having enough money in the bank to cover either utilities or food for the month...but not both in the same month!

I'm so tired of my life being in the shit.  I'm attempting to improve things by going back to school so that I can eventually move ahead in life.  But fate (and TMCC) seems to not want me to succeed.

What can I do???

Last night I was sitting on the bed in the room where I'm sleeping while here at my mom's place when my niece came in.  She sat down next to me and we started talking about random things.  Out of the blue she asked me if I knew why she didn't have her dog anymore.  (They'd had a dog until a few months ago.)  I told her that I knew that something had happened and that her mom felt the need to get rid of it.  I didn't want to go into details with her.  I guess that was me being naive when it comes to my niece.  She proceeded to tell me the most horrific story of what happened when they lost the dog.

My niece was feeding the dog chicken bones with a little meat on them still and when the dog took one of them it got her finger, as well.  Purely accidental.  My niece's finger needed a band-aid because it did draw blood but it wasn't due to any sort of vicious attack.  I cannot stress that enough.  Everything was fine for the next several hours...back to whatever normal is in that house.  Then later, after Ashleigh had went to bed because she had school in the morning, around 1am, my sister came in and woke her up and made her go outside to watch as my sister shot the dog with a pellet gun.  Repeatedly.  Over and over.  Once in the head, once in the chest, once in the side, etc.  Ashleigh said it was trying so hard to get away and my sister just held it down and kept shooting it.  My niece was crying and begging her mom to stop but my sister, being drunk and "oh so right", insisted that the dog needed to be put down because it bit my niece.

The following morning my niece couldn't wake up in time to make the bus because she was exhausted and traumatized from the previous night's events and got yelled at for it.  And a few hours later, around 11am, when my niece went out to feed the animals she discovered that the dog was slowly bleeding to death...and it was still alive.  My sister forbade her from going near the dog.  Finally, many hours later when her dad came home he went out and shot it in the head with a shot gun and put it out of it's misery.

This is my sister for you.  And this is my sweet niece.  My sister will never change.  And my niece now has this memory burned into her mind for forever.  This is something that no child should ever have to experience.  It is bad enough when a pet dies from human error, or old age....but to be put to death for the reason I named above....in front of a child, no less...it's abhorring, it's so wrong, and it makes me want to take a shot gun to my sister.

I've tried for so many years to distance myself from what I knew was going on with my niece and sister because of what's happened in the past.  But after my niece told me this...I absolutely know for a fact that she needs out of that environment.  NOW!

There is something wrong with my sister.  She's just not mentally sane.  There's some short circuits somewhere and they scare me.  SHE scares me.  And I'm an adult.  And her sister!  My niece has had to deal with this for years! 

It also seems as though Ashleigh knows a lot about sex, sex toys, men's genitalia, playboy, and knows absolutely NOTHING about maturation, puberty, menstruation, or boobies.  I talked to her a little bit about the latter and she told us the former last night.  I want to kill my sister.  Some people just don't deserve to live on this earth...especially if they have children.  My niece can still be saved from a life that follows in the footsteps of her mother.  But changes need to come NOW.  Not later.  Now!

I have a new found respect for my 9 year old niece, Ashleigh. My sister is just a very unhappy person in general and I'd almost even dare say that she's bipolar. Her moods are so night and day, hot and cold and we just never know what she's going to be like from one moment to the next - what will trigger her moods.

We started this week visit out by diving right in and painting her living room and hallway and ended it with doing a complete 180 on Ashleigh's room. When we began it was bare wood flooring, cat shit and piss on the floors, it STUNK, it had cobwebs, it had bugs I'd never seen before, and it was just a terrible room for a little girl to go to gain sanctuary from the world...and trust me, she needs such a place. BADLY.

Someone mentioned recently that a call to child services is in order. And after this week and seeing how Lisa handles things around here and how filthy it is and how far away from any sort of emergency services it is I would have to agree. I believe once we get back to Utah we should make a phone call to the local CS and let them know what's going on. Ashleigh will be away from it for a month...but maybe, and I'm not even going to allow myself to hope, she won't have to come back here to this hell hole.

This has been a huge eye opener for me. This entire experience. Seeing just exactly what my niece is going through on a daily basis is unbelievable. I thought I had it bad as a kid with a perfectionist for a mother...but my niece has it 100 times worse. I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away.

My niece just came back in here after my sister just yelled at her for not cleaning up cat shit that was on the floor or for getting the load of laundry out of the dryer (there was no load, by the way). She was sad...very sad. I asked her what was wrong and she almost started to cry. She said (with no prompting from me, I might add) that she didn't think it was fair that her mom hasn't gotten up from the couch all day and is making her clean it up. (This is not a little girl exaggerating, this is fact.) She proceeded to unload all of her feelings whilst sitting at the foot of the bed about how her mom is always yelling at her and telling her to do things and how her mom never gets up from the couch and never cooks, or lets her see her friends, or plays arts and crafts with her, or doesn't really do much of anything with her other than watch TV. She told me that unless my sister was drinking she was mean and yelling at her all the time. (While I've been here this past week my sister has consumed about 4 30-packs of beer. In one week!) My heart is breaking for my sweet, sweet niece who is entirely too young to be going through this sort of crap and has grown up far beyond her sweet years, way too fast. I asked her to come sit up next to me and I put my arm around her and she leaned into me and just started to cry. Of course that undid ME. And then not 5 seconds went by before my sister yells out "ASHLEIGH GET IN HERE!" and it all started again.

I am biased, yes. I will admit it. But if I was seeing first hand this kind of thing happening with ANY child I would be concerned and report it. I must do the same with my niece. I simply can't let my sister get away with this sort of behavior. And, for the record, my sister does not have a good track record with her kids. She lost custody of her first baby and never saw him again until he was 19. She completely lost custody of her 2nd and 3rd kids to the state and they were adopted by another family, altogether. And now, Ashleigh.

My sister was reported once before by a teacher who reported that Lisa threw a spoon at Ashleigh and clipped her cheek. Ashleigh was living in foster care for a month, but after taking the required parenting classes and fooling everyone who mattered...she was able to get my niece back. But that's just it...my sister can put on a huge front. She'd be great in Hollywood because she sure can deliver her lines. And she fools everyone. I learned early on in my teens not to trust her and I never will. She's never a person of her word and that's just the sad fact.

My niece deserves to be in a home with loving parents (or caregivers) who will respect her and love her and show her that in many ways. My niece tells me that her mom never tells her that she loves her. Who DOES that???? She never gives her hugs or kisses unless my niece comes to her for them, never compliments her. She just yells at her from the couch while the TV is running and she's got all her cats surrounding her. She loves the damn cats more than she does my niece! Another sad fact. And, since I know my sister, it's really true. *Sigh*

I've went all these years telling myself that I just couldn't get involved in this. That was the reason that I didn't want to visit my sister here in Oklahoma/Arkansas before now. I knew if I did that I'd need to do something about it. My sister would go ballistic if she finds out that I/we will be reporting her to the authorities and so we will need to do so very carefully. If she knows that it is us and gets my niece back, we will never see my niece again.

Dammit, my niece needs someone to stand up for her and be her voice because she's too young to do it herself! I will be that voice for her. I will help this sweet child find her footing again in life so that she can be the child she needs to be...and not the adult she's had to be.

My sister and I have always been opposites. She was tall and thin to my short and fat, that one was always obvious; but there were other differences, also.



I wish I could say that I always knew she'd have my back...but that wasn't the case. Not then and not now. There was always the invisible line of her life and mine and they rarely overlapped except in the instance of family.

Lisa, it seemed, drew the short stick when it came to education. She was never as smart as I was and she envied that about me. Meanwhile, I envied the fact that she always seemed to gain our parents favor by doing things to get herself into trouble. I was always the good kid and my parents knew that and never had to worry about me. Now, I see that as a good thing. Back then, it just made me jealous.

I'd love to say that presently we're best of friends and have found a lot that we have in common. I wish I could say that. But I can't. Lisa loves her VERY country home in the middle of nowhere on a mountain where the nearest bit of civilization is 30 minutes down winding roads of a mountain and the nearest neighbor is 15 minutes away. I love my urban life in Reno. Love it! I would never be able to live the life that my sister does. And this past week of staying with her has proven that fact time and again to myself.

I love my sister, I do. But having nothing in common doesn't exactly help in bringing us together. She loves horses, I love shopping. She doesn't like kids (although she has a couple) and I love them. She loves cats (a LOT of them!) and I love dogs. We're night and day. Oil and water.

Lisa and I are sisters. We're friends. We're acquaintances. But if I'm in trouble or just need someone to talk to I'd never pick up the phone to call her. It's just not the way that it is.

It's a shame. I miss having a sister.

In the final paper of my diversity class we reflected back upon the semester and what we'd learned and the experiences that we'd went through to get there.

I felt it imperative that I write about the friends that I'd made in the class...most especially one.  Her name is Sarah.  If we had more in common we'd be besties in another dimension.  Haha.

This is Sarah!


Anyway, she sent me her paper before she submitted it to see what I thought (we did this often to exchange ideas, etc.) and she said the sweetest thing about me.  I asked her if I could write about it on my blog and she agreed...and then it got put on my blog topic to-do list.  (Yeah, I have a list of stuff to talk about...don't you?)

Anyway, this is so sweet...this is what she wrote about me:

...In all honesty I connected with one person who is absolutely wonderful!! Shauna actually helped me break out of my shell she would constantly get me talking in class and ask me questions about being gay or this or that. She is completely comfortable with whom she is and has no fear talking about it, and if she is scared or upset she does a damn good job of hiding it. She really showed me to have no fear of what everyone else thinks and just be me, I mean hell if she likes me I am doing pretty good.

It's always worried me that I would never make an impact on people.  Yes, I worry about that kind of thing.  I know one person who does that in my life and I want to be like her.  Her name is Norma and she is my mother-in-law.  I want to leave this world one day and know that I did my best to be kind to everyone, to be respectful and non-judgmental to the best of my abilities.  I don't hate and I want others to see that about me.  Unfortunately, when you're morbidly obese people tend to not look at you like that, you get more disgusted looks than anything else.

Anyway, I wanted Sarah to know that she greatly affected my life in the past semester, as well.  Thank you for being so accepting of ME.  You're a kind-hearted woman and I hope that in whatever journey you choose for your life that you find peace.  I do hope we are able to keep in touch.

Btw, Sarah, remember the first day of class when I asked if you'd ever heard the song, Sara Smiles by Hall & Oates?  You couldn't remember but thought MAYBE your mom had played it for you once when you were little?  This is for you!


Press play to listen if you're COOL!