You know...I finally got a hold of my dad a few minutes ago.  I think I'd have been better off had I not.  He really needs to quit with his whole attitude because I'm the only family he's got that's on his side.

He answered and I expressed my surprise and shock that he did.  He proceeded to tell me that he never answers his phone nor looks at it because nobody ever calls him.  So I tell him, if nobody ever calls maybe when it DOES ring he should look at it because it's probably important!  Then I proceeded to say that I'd been trying to contact him via email for the past several weeks, as well.  He tells me that he didn't get them.  When pressed he claims it didn't say my name.  He has the same Mac that I do...and I put myself in his address book...if he gets an email from me it says my name.  He claimed it didn't and therefore he deleted it.  Sigh.

I started to say that I was planning a trip out there to see him but he interrupted me and said he knew why I was calling, to wish him a happy fathers day, there I'd say it and don't need to now and it's over with.

I asked him why the attitude and he claimed he didn't have one.  Sigh.

I told him that we were wanting to go over the hill to see him again in a few weeks and he said that we can stop in and say hello and leave if we want but he wasn't going to go out to eat with us again because he needs to lose weight.  Uh yeah....if we go out to eat he never needed to order the huge ass steak and potatoes and shit.  I've always ordered salads!

Needless to say the phone call ended 4 minutes after it began...with my blood pressure sky high (still is!) and me pissed off at him.  I'm trying to reach out to him...but if he doesn't want it then fuck him.

Car problems.

Need I say more?

OK, I will.

Car problems that includes the "service engine soon" light...and car's up for registration (eg inspection) by the end of next month.

No money to fix whatever it's issue is if it's huge.

Maybe I'll spend my remaining 20 bucks in the bank for a cheap hit man to put me out of my misery.

Please, for the love of all that's good in the world...if you're fat at least have some respect for your appearance!!!

Let me explain.

Tuesday I was leaving my EPY class and walked around the corner where I was bombarded with white, billowy flesh falling out of too small of clothes.  This girl was sitting in this chair in incredibly too small of clothes and there was skin everywhere.  Her hair was greasy and unkempt and she smelled that horrendous smell of an unwashed fat person (we all know that smell).  WHY did she choose to be that way???  I've always been incredibly paranoid about my appearance...just because a person is fat doesn't mean that they have to fit the stereotype!  No wonder fatties have a bad rap!

So please...if you're fat you can still take pride in your appearance.  You can still dress in your CORRECT size.  In fact, PLEASE DO!!!  Dressing in smaller sizes only makes the fat rolls more distinct and as in this particular issue...visible to those who do not want to see it!

And for crying out loud...take a shower and use soap!

Sometimes I have so much to say that I can't say it at all.  School's going great.  That's not the problem I'm having these days.  It's more STILL my lack of income.  I just tried applying for unemployment and I'm not eligible.  I've been finding myself more and more stressed out these days as winter rears its ugly head.  Winter means $300/month power bills.  Winter means that try as we might we can't survive on Kurt's income alone anymore.  Winter means that I'm still angry at my mom for telling me to go into the ER because she'd help me pay for it and then reneged on her promise.  Winter means the holidays.  Winter means buying gifts for people with money that I don't have...or looking like a schmuck.  I don't mind being a schmuck...but this will be like the third year that I've looked like one.  Winter means not seeing my niece when she and my sister visit Utah over xmas because I don't have the money to go see them.

Winter means the end of my first semester back in college.  Winter means looking forward to Spring semester starting and new classes to enjoy.  Winter means new photos to take and explore with my camera.  Winter is winter.  It's simply a season.  It's my emotions and thoughts that can make it into either a good thing or a bad thing.

As of now...I choose to make it into a good thing.  Now...if I can just talk my inner critic into believing the same thing.

Of course I've always known that there were people out there like this...but I'd never actually ENCOUNTERED any of them first hand.  OK, that's not true...my exhusband is a major racist and homophobe...and I really hated that about him.  I mean, how embarrassing is THAT to live with???  Helloooo...EX-husband.  Anyway...I digress...

Today in my EPY class we talked about the GLBTQ community and how we can support them on campus.  Now, you're probably saying..."what's EPY?"  It's hard to explain, really.  Basically it's a college success class.  We use the book "On Course" but we also learn tolerance (ha!) and about the various things that the college offers us as students.  It's deeper than that but that's the most basic of definitions.  Anyhoo...back to today's class.  We had guest instructors today who announced that they were teaching the class.  They introduced themselves as gay and lesbian.  Immediately to my life is a woman who is around her mid-fifties, I want to say, and she immediately had a very cold feeling about her.  Normally she's a very happy woman with always something kind to say.  I didn't really think much of it because I'm not one to practice intolerance of anything but stupidity.  They began the class with a short little movie about a gay couple in a bar and how others reacted to them being there.  When it finished she had a massive scowl on her face and when I asked her if she was ok she said she was pissed.  I thought, great!  She's pissed at how this couple was treated in the bar.  No go.  She was pissed that we were covering this topic in class!  She was more than pissed.  She was livid!  They passed out blank pieces of paper to us and told us to write down any questions that we might have.  She passed hers on saying "I'm not doing this".  Then they passed out a paper with questions on it for our own viewing that basically gives you an idea of how tolerable or accepting you are.  She didn't even touch it...like it was poison or something.  They we began an activity where we all introduce ourselves and say that we're either lesbian or gay after our name.  It was just a role play but she up and left.  I understand that she may have been uncomfortable saying that she was a lesbian or whatever...but to honestly up and leave the class or behave the way she did was so uncool.  In this day and age...ESPECIALLY on college campuses you need to be tolerable of all kinds of people.  This woman is obviously not.  It irritated me to badly that after class I called my husband and vented to him about the small-mindedness of some people.  A true "sport" would have just said "hey, this is not my thing but I'll play along because it's only 1 hour and 15 minutes of my life".  It really angered me that she couldn't do that.  That she behaved as though she were in HS or even younger.  I had fun doing the role plays...and the rest of the class...even a few of the guys who were obviously uncomfortable...all played along and were great about it.  Why couldn't this one woman have been?

I know that not everyone has the same open mindedness that I do.  That more people should.  But it saddens me that she couldn't put aside her petty beliefs for one class.

*Sigh*

This ties in, also, to the civil rights chapter that we studied a few weeks ago in my poli-sci class.  There is nothing that makes my blood boil faster than people who get the short end of the stick...ESPECIALLY because of skin color.  OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!  Don't get me going...I feel my blood pressure rising even now!  Seriously!

In the spirit of the 60's movement....make love not war.

OK, sometimes I really get irritated when a conversation goes something like this.

Friend: We should go to an amusement park sometime.
Me: Nah.  They're no fun when I can't ride the rides.
Friend: Why can't you ride the rides?
Me: Because my ass doesn't fit in the seats.
Friend: Why?
Me (with a disgusted look on my face): Hellooooooo...I'm fat!!!

Being fat is a fact of life.  I can say the word without getting embarrassed or pissy about it.  And I expect those around me to be able to do the same.  I mean...it's obvious.  It's not a secret that I'm trying to hide.  How can I?!  I'm 150 pounds overweight.  It's a LIT-TLE hard to hide that, don't you think?

So why do my friends (or acquaintance--because we DID establish in previous posts that I have no friends here) get all squeamish or uncomfortable when I say it?  If anyone feels that way should it not be me?  Take a page from my book, my friend, and just accept it.  News flash!  I KNOW I'M FAT!!!!!!

It hadn't occurred to me until tonight that I have no friends here in Reno.  None.  In fact, I don't really have but one good friend at all these days and she doesn't live in Nevada.  And the reason all this occurred to me was that my husband is off doing his Saturday night thing with his friends...and I'm home alone.  Bored.  Very bored.  I was home bored last night, too.  When he went to his book club meeting...with his friends.  My only friend here is my husband.  This sucks.  It really does.  Everyone has moved away.  I want some friends again dammit!

Have you ever went clothes shopping for plus sizes or know anyone who has?  Why is it that there are so many synthetic materials (read polyester) in fattie clothes?  Do we look like we need to step out of a 70's fashion mag?  No.  Then WTF???  We sweat enough in the summer months that we don't need the added bonus of wearing non breathable material.  I mean really people!

I PLEAD with the clothing manufacturers of the world....the world consists of more "overweight" people than underweight these days.  Make something fashionable and comfy for us!  I BEG of you!

I do a lot of shopping at Lane Bryant.  I like the classy looks and styles and that they're tailored for my type of body.  However, 80% of it is synthetic.  A little breathable fabric would be great in 100+ temperatures.  Who can I talk to about this unthinkable act?  Or maybe ask WHY???  Because really...just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm not fashion conscious or enjoy a nice silk against my fat rolls.  C'mon clothes designers out there!  Get with the proggie!  Fat people like to spend money, too!

Sometimes I get into a funk and ask myself..."why did I have to be fat?"  As with most families there are chunkier members than others but it's mostly the older ones...with age and all that.  I have a few fatties in my external fam...and I suppose that is where I get it from.  Some random fat gene handed down.

Why me, Fat Gene????  Why me????