I've gotten bored with my usual haunts for photo shoots so I'm going to drive around Reno looking for spots that not only have an abundance of wild flowers (preferably in a field but deserts aren't known for fields of wildflowers) but also spots that have an urbany edge to them.  I'm considering putting an ad on CL about being a plus-size photographer and exclusively doing that and senior citizens.  There's a market out there for those areas and nobody's really hitting them much.  I think I'll work on it a bit more.

So in my travels today I'll probably head up Mt. Rose towards Tahoe...I hear there's a wildflower field up there somewhere.  We'll see about that!

F-A-T

It's just a word.  To some it packs more of a punch than to others.  It used to be that way for me.  Now?  Now I LIKE when little ones come up to me and tell me that I'm fat.  It allows me to open up a discussion about the way people look and how everyone has feelings no matter if they're socially acceptable, or not.  (In simpler terms, of course!)

F-A-T

It generally implies ugliness in people's minds.  They can't help it...it just does.  Society has TOLD us that fat is ugly.  To me, fat is only ugly when associated with gluttony.  Most of the fat people that I know are not gluttonous.  They're just people.  Unhappy with how they look.  Unhappy with the hand that life has dealt them.

F-A-T

Recently for a diversity paper that I was working on I came across a site that was pretty insightful as to how biased you are regarding different people.  Click here to take one of the tests.  It was surprisingly useful...not only towards my paper, but for me as a whole.  Mostly because I found that even I tend to have a slightly negative bias against fat people.  Go figure!  I always thought I wasn't that way...but even I have fell victim to some of society's norms.  I don't like it.

F-A-T

It's easy to be termed fat in the medical profession.  Most people are considered overweight to obese and don't even realize it.  Those are the people who always need to lose 30 pounds.  That's not a lot.  At least not when you compare it to what I need to lose!

FAT
CAT
SAT
on
a
MAT.

Just words, people.  Not an epithet.  Not a derogatory word.  Just a word.  A simple word.  A word that they teach youngsters learning to read.  Don't read more into it than really needs to be there.  It's only a word.  Learn new words like....considerable, oleaginous, stubby, grandiose, avoirdupois, corpulent, great, hefty, rotund, stout, weighty....prize, rich, splendid, stupendous, superfluous....PRIDE.  Fat can be fun.  I like to refer to myself as avoirdupois....it makes people look at me silly.

Next time...try it.  Have fun.  And be happy.  As one of the greatest people I've had the pleasure of meeting likes to say...Life IS Good!

I got on the scale today to see if I'd lost anything...anything at all.  And the answer was a big, FAT no!  To be honest, though, I didn't really expect to have.  You see...I've not really been giving my all to this whole weight loss thing this time around.  I mean, yes, I do want to lose weight.  I need to lose weight.  It's not normal to weigh over 300 pounds for anyone...especially if you're under 5 feet tall.  But I've just not been feeling it...it being the weight loss bug.  I've finally figured out why.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of doing something that I've done countless times in my life in one way or another.  I'm tired of not being able to keep the weight loss down.  I'm tired of coming off of a diet and gaining everything right on back, PLUS SOME.  I'm tired.

I'm also tired of not being able to walk from my living room to my bedroom and climbing into bed (perhaps 15 feet start to finish) without huffing and puffing.  I'm tired of walking from my car to my class and being out of breath when I arrive.  I'm tired of not being to walk around the mall without having to take a breather every so often...after a normal walking pace.  I'm tired.

I'm just plain tired.

I'm tired of the expectations of my parents.  My mom and Randy (bless his heart for caring so much!) expect me to lose this weight.  Randy is fronting the bill for it.  I feel the pressure to succeed from that end.  I'm tired of feeling pressure from my wonderful, sweet, caring, beautiful, best friend of a husband because we can't seem to get physical together because I'm always so darn tired! 

I'm tired of being fat.  And I'm tired of dieting.

I'm in quite the quandary, eh?

Other than a decidedly awesome song called Unwell (thank you, Matchbox 20)...I am decidedly unwell.

Yesterday evening I had a low calorie green bean casserole for dinner, not remembering that all of the previous times that I'd had it I'd gotten decidedly unwell.  This time was no different.

And so...

From about 10pm on since last night I've had a terribly upset stomach, mega diarrhea that also has the decidedly UNWELL color of black to it!  I know this is too much info but hey, what else am I going to amuse myself with?  I had the last of the pepto last night as well as a Tylenol PM (just one...more than that knocks me out for a week!)  I've sat on the toilet so many times with my book (I'm certainly not going in there without one!) wondering if I was going to puke, as well.  Listening to the sounds of my poor, churning tummy being unhappy about being decidedly unwell.

The upside to being decidedly unwell?  With my body emptying everything in its decidedly unwell system I'm probably also losing a few pounds.  Figures it takes being decidedly unwell to lose it!

So I slept until about 2pm after many interruptions from the mini dog and one decidedly cold and wet nose pushed into my face at least once from big dog.  I ate top ramen because, after doing internet research on decidedly dark diarrhea, it is salty and easy on my system.  Now I'm reclining back in my recliner with mini dog on my lap sharing space with my laptop with a decidedly unwell tummy still making churny noises.  I don't feel good.  I don't want to be awake.  I want to go back to bed and feel sorry for myself for being decidedly unwell.

With this new semester comes a LOOOOOT of homework!  Math, English and Diversity.  I've already done one English paper, I have math every night and I took a diversity test on Thursday.  Needless to say, this semester is a lot more intense than last.  But I have confidence in myself.

I've been making a few new friends in school, too.  Always nice to have since it's my only mode of socialization.

I've been doing my Isagenix over the past week.  It began with the two days of cleansing...then 5 days of the shakes...now I'm on my last day of cleansing.  I've been sticking right to it so here's hoping the scale is nice to me tomorrow!  Crossing my fingers.

Nemo's hatchday was 2 days ago on the 11th and he turned 10 years old.  We sang him happy hatchday and gave him some extra nutriberries.

Tomorrow is Valentines day and surprisingly my husband remembered!  We're going to go to Olive Garden for their soup and salad tomorrow for lunch and then have a few errands to run.  Should be a fun day.

Sometimes I have so much to say that I can't say it at all.  School's going great.  That's not the problem I'm having these days.  It's more STILL my lack of income.  I just tried applying for unemployment and I'm not eligible.  I've been finding myself more and more stressed out these days as winter rears its ugly head.  Winter means $300/month power bills.  Winter means that try as we might we can't survive on Kurt's income alone anymore.  Winter means that I'm still angry at my mom for telling me to go into the ER because she'd help me pay for it and then reneged on her promise.  Winter means the holidays.  Winter means buying gifts for people with money that I don't have...or looking like a schmuck.  I don't mind being a schmuck...but this will be like the third year that I've looked like one.  Winter means not seeing my niece when she and my sister visit Utah over xmas because I don't have the money to go see them.

Winter means the end of my first semester back in college.  Winter means looking forward to Spring semester starting and new classes to enjoy.  Winter means new photos to take and explore with my camera.  Winter is winter.  It's simply a season.  It's my emotions and thoughts that can make it into either a good thing or a bad thing.

As of now...I choose to make it into a good thing.  Now...if I can just talk my inner critic into believing the same thing.

So I got my score back on my big poli-sci test the other day and surprisingly got a B on it.  He did say that the test scores will probably go up as he decides whether or not to grade on a curve and which questions he's going to throw out on account of a lot of people missing them.  So....I'm happy with a B!  I'm excited for the B!  I'm so glad it wasn't a C!  Yikes!  I have to maintain a GPA of 3.0 or higher to be eligible for financial aid so if I get an A in my two other classes I will come out ahead in my required GPA.  So here's to keeping my grades up!

I know I keep saying this but I am TOTALLY enjoying being back in school again.  Who knew???  Learning new things...interacting with others my own age or thereabouts...it's just FUN!  I highly suggest it to those of you who have been out of the loop for years like me to get back in the game...it's amazing at how much better you can do when you go into it with a positive attitude!

I've been having a lot of fun with my rock history class, too.  It's fun to say that I HAVE to listen to certain music for my studies.  And it's not bad stuff.  Not that I've really heard any music that's bad...just different.  But so far we're studying older stuff.  Blues, folk, gospel, soul...now we're at psychedelic rock.  Pretty nifty.  And the instructor is excited about his subject which makes it all that much better, as well.

My EPY class is fascinating as well.  It's teaching college techniques like study habits and positive thinking.  Last Thursday we were in the library learning about all of the cool stuff that is available to us as students not just in the library but online.  I was shocked and very impressed.  Sadly I wasn't able to find any information on my thesis for my poli-sci class...but I have a feeling I'll be able to use it a lot for my next classes.

As for the weight thing...well, nothing to really report there.  I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't been able to lose any more weight.  It's like I lost those 10 pounds once I moved back home and then nothing.  I know I should make time on the treadmill...but, ok, I admit that I hate getting all sweaty.  Bleah!  I'm just looking for excuses...I know.  I know.

Did you know that studies have shown that men become sexually aroused nearly every time they dream.

Remember back in the 70's when your mom would send you out to play with your friends on  Saturday all day and never see you until it got dark?  And even then you'd call home and beg to stay overnight at a friend's place?  Remember when there were no cell phones and instead when our mom's wanted us home for dinner she'd stand outside and call our name?  Remember when the norm was to play kick the can until dark with the neighborhood kids and everyone was friends and nobody judged anybody else?  Remember when there was no AIDS or worry about stranger danger?  Remember when phones had rotary dials and you had to wait for it to finish rotating back before dialing the next number?  Remember when our parents rarely visited our kindergarten class, if ever?  Remember when we began school each day with the pledge of allegiance?

Where are those days?  What happened?  WHY did what happened happen?  Did humans just evolve into evil?  Do we want to see others hurt that much?

How sad that our children today will never experience that which we did as children at their age.  How sad that kids today have to beware and alert for danger around every corner.  How sad that childhood innocence doesn't last nearly as long as it should.

I know I haven't written in a few days.  Shame on me!  Shame, shame, shame!  I've been actually prepping for school and getting in the final paperwork, etc.  So I'm taking 9 credits which equals out to 3 classes (3/4 time).  One class is a college prep class that teaches you how to take notes, etc.  Funny, though...it starts 3 weeks after the start of school.  But on Monday and Tuesday I'll be attending night classes.  On Monday and Wednesday it will be Nevada history and the constitution and later the college prep class.  Then on Tuesday evenings for almost 3 hours...my humanities class, the history of rock music.  I'm stoked for that one.

But my new addiction is a web site called bidz.com.  Very fun...and lots of things.  You should try it!

I haven't been getting any exercise yet.  The back room is so dang hot lately cuz of the high temps in the 100's so I don't even like going back there to let the dogs in the backyard (the front yard works fine plus on Wednesdays and Saturdays I have the sprinkler on and they like to play in it.)  So I haven't been walking on the treadmill but I do walk more than I did in Utah.  It's quite a ways to get from the parking lot to Kurt's work and we also took a walk a few blocks up to 7-11 the other night.  I love walking at night.  The crickets chirping and cool air and dark night make for a romantic ambiance.  And I do love my husband!

I do have to admit that I'm getting tired of sweating after walking 10 steps, though.  Or being majorly out of breath after walking up a flight of stairs.  It has me worried...and it has Kurt worried, too.  And I hate sitting in my recliner chair and feeling the sweat gathering under my chin in my neck fold.  *Sigh*

The "kids" are great and are happy as ever....I don't think they ever aren't.  Well much.

So I've been reading this book lately called "Such a Pretty Fat" by Jen Lancaster.  She writes fat fiction/non-fiction.  More like biographies.  Anyway...VERY funny.  Some of you may have read her book "Bitter is the New Black".  There are times that I start reading at night after Kurt's already asleep and start laughing so hard that I have a hard time laughing quietly and have to put the book down.  I highly recommend it.

We both like to read books together and we recently finished a book called Middlesex.  It's about a hermaphrodite that grows up female and after finding out that her plumbing was NOT normal decided at the age of 14 to start living as a male.  It's interesting...sad, funny, insightful.  I would recommend that one as well.  We're about to start a new book but at the moment I can't remember the name of it so I'll post about it later.

I've been suffering a lot of insomnia lately.  I go to bed with a sleeping pill in me and end up tossing and turning for hours...literally.  Last night Kurt gave me a trazadone and made me a cocktail hoping that that would help.  I was definitely tired...but when I tried to fall asleep...nothing but tossing and turning.  I got out of bed and watching a couple episodes of CSI and the latest Weeds and tried going back to bed and tossed and turned till 4:30am.  The alarm goes off at 6:30am.  Needless to say I didn't get much sleep and while I'm tired now I'm afraid if I go in there I will just toss and turn some more.  It's a side effect of my anti-depressants but I'd rather live with it than deal with suicidal thoughts.  NEVER a fun feeling.

So that's my life up till now. 

So first thing this morning I made some calls regarding my classes that I'm going to be taking.  I really needed to get into an English and math class but overall it just isn't happening.  I'll just have to sign up for those next semester.  I'm still taking 9 credits, though.  The classes that I decided on are all over the schedule but I had to take what was available.  So I have an introduction to college class, Nevada history and the constitution, and the history of Rock music.  I think the last one is gonna rock.

Then Kurt and I hit the grocery store and only spent $100 for 2 weeks worth of food.  This making our meals instead of buying them is pretty cool!  Who knew???  Homemade (kind of) spaghetti sauce with adding our own spices is much yummier than buying the jars.  Just saying.

And then we treated ourselves to a movie.  We went and saw Julie/Julia.  It was so good.  Very entertaining and enlightening.  I'd recommend it.  My husband really enjoyed it, as well.

So I was trying to think about where I want to see this blog go.  I mean, yes it has to do with me...and I'm short and fat...but I don't have a lot of individual experiences that have to do with either fact.  Not daily, anyway.  So what am I really doing here?  I'm not terribly funny as a writer...I just write about what's going on in my head...and heart.  Is that bad?  Boring?  Do people really want to read about that stuff?  Do people ENJOY reading about my every day life?  I'm not sure I would.

I've been watching the 3rd season of the L word this past week on netflix instant queue thing.  It's pretty good.  I think they're in their 5th season now...I kinda fell behind for a while.  My life is nothing like that...and not in the sense that I'm not a lesbian...but more that my life does not consist of drama, drama, drama.  If it DID I would have more to blog about!  Maybe once school starts and I start working again....if that EVER happens!!!  Argh.

So when I first moved back I'd lost 10 pounds but then hit a plateau.  I need to start the treadmill again.  Exercise is always a good idea.  If I could just motivate myself to drag my ass out of the recliner and make the trek into the back room where it's located.  Back in the oven.  Blasted heat sucks the life right out of me!

Once upon a time my husband and I had a nice nest egg happening.  We were both making good money and was able to build up a savings.  It was nice.  We didn't worry about money.  We didn't worry about buying food or paying bills.  We were able to take a vacation every year and things were good.

Of course life changes...evolves.  And when that happens sometimes we're not always prepared for the outcome.  I was never prepared for being as poor as we are now.  I know it's for the greater good...with me going back to school and finding a career that I will enjoy for the rest of my professional life.  But in the interim...being poor SUCKS.  SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS!

Friday afternoon my husband calls me up after work and says he's going to be late in getting home because one of his tires went flat.  (There's two bald tires on his car so this wasn't surprising news.)  So he put the donut on and came home.  He doesn't want to drive his car with that on there and we can't afford even a used tire at the moment so it's sort of waiting for money to start coming in again before we replace it.  So last night I was taking my husband over to his friend's house for gaming (my husband is a D&D freak) and we stopped at the corner store for him to pick up some beer for while he was there.  He ran in while I waited in the car with the windows down and sunroof open.  (No, he didn't rob the place.)  He came back out and I went to start my car and nothing happened.  Nothing.  No power.  No lights.  No sounds.  Absolutely NOTHING.  One car already in commission and now this happens to my newer car?!  This can't be happening, I was thinking.  Argh.  So here I am in my PJ's (because who knew I would have to get out of the car when I was just taking him to his friends) getting out of the car and peering under the hood (that my husband had to have someone help him open since neither of us are mechanically savvy) trying to see something that looked like it might be out of place.  Keep in mind...we're not car people.  We're not motor-heads, by any means.  EVERYTHING under there looks foreign to us.  So my husband wiggles the battery cables and stuff and I go back and get in the car...which is by then beeping at me that I left the keys in it.  So I knew I had power again.  It started up and we were on our way.

We would have been in some serious trouble had there been a real problem with my car.  We can't afford to pay for car repairs and didn't have another car to fall back on.

Have I mentioned how I HATE being poor????  I HATE being poor!!!

Oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

I think I am starting to understand the true meaning behind those lyrics.  Bad luck?  Fate?  Life in general.  It is messed up.  No really, it is.  I have my good days and my bad days.  My good and bad years.  And the relentless, never-ending life of bad luck and always being THAT girl...in THAT situation.

Yes...I'm THAT girl in THIS situation.  I'm FAT.  That does not define me....unless I allow it.  And I allow it often.  I'm a happy person, overall.  But when I'm picked over for someone smaller, thinner and prettier than me...I can be a real bitch.  And annoyed.  And frustrated.  Sad.  There are all these emotions rolling around in me.  They go away for a while...but then they come back...rolling in like thunder chasing the wind.  It's life.  It's the way of it.  Can I ever get away from it?  Will I ever have all of my dreams fulfilled?  And more importantly when I die...can I say it was not in vain?  That falling in love with my husband...my best friend...my soul mate...was the greatest achievement of my life?  (He is!)  I don't want to die without impacting someone...without leaving a legacy of some kind behind.  I want people to say my name and think, wow, she was so cool.

I'm rambling.  I don't have a whole lot of clear things to write right now so you get my rambling, ramblingy, ramblings.  Aren't you guys so lucky?? 

I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog entries (other than my biggest fan-my husband).

Speak up if you read my blog!  Leave a comment.  I'll love ya for it!

I threw out my back a week or so ago.  It's the first time I've done that before and it's a real pain in the ass.  Or back.  Whichever.  I guess I'm lucky that it hasn't happened before now what with all the weight I'm carrying around.  I went to the doctor yesterday and he loaded me up with meds.  I wish there were some other way to deal with it than that.  I've never been keen on taking a crapload of medication for one thing or another.

Anyhoo...Kurt said I have to learn to not stress so much.  That I can only do all that I can do and nothing more.  With that being said...I'm trying not to worry so much about the job front.  Although it'd sure be nice to have a few extra bucks to hit happy hour on the weekends.  We might go Sunday night, though.  We had a little extra money come in from my last work check from before I moved so that's nice.

I was talking with some co-workers a while back and I brought up the subject of wondering what life would be life had money or a money system never been invented.  If life existed with everyone helping everyone else with no intent to gain because there would never be envy.

If people never started "trading" way back thousands of years ago.  If people didn't need money now.  There would be no recessions, no mortgages, no keeping up with the joneses.  Life would be so much more simple and pleasant.  Life would be different.

Think about it...how would it be?

Comment...talk amongst yourselves...I'd love feedback!

When one door closes another one opens.  Or so the saying goes.

I said goodbye to the past year and a half of my life yesterday morning and headed back home.  I look back and see how much my life has changed in just that small amount of time.  How much that I'VE changed.  It's scary that I was so different to begin with.

When I got to my hometown where my folks live I was beaten down and almost hopelessly lost as a cause.  I had so much going on against me that I didn't know if I'd ever make it up.  And, I admit, there were times when I was suicidal.  I'm not ashamed of the fact...it just reminds me of how much I've changed since then.  When I think about whether I'd have changed any of it...part of me wishes that I could take back the last 5 years and do them over.  But then again...I don't.  I like who I've become.  I like what I plan to become.  I love my family and my critters.

I know I'm not who I thought I'd be 25 years ago...but I'm so much more.  And I'm so grateful for that.

As I watched in the mirror my folks waving goodbye I realized that it was time.  This chapter is over.  I'm ready to start the next one.  And when I wiped the tear from the corner of my eye...I knew I was making the right decision.  And I'm so grateful for my husband who never gave up on me...and always knew the woman I have always been.

So tomorrow night I will be embarking on my first Amtrak adventure to Reno.  I'm writing this now because I have no idea how much time I will have tomorrow afternoon after work to worry about entering another blog.  That's not to say that I may not create an entry from there...but I'm not planning on taking my laptop along so that's that.

I miss my husband, my pets...(even though I'll be leaving Peaches behind and missing her terribly).  I'll be having a lot of fun just being with my husband and celebrating our 8th anniversary (as of today!)

So here I sit...pondering over just how to pack the big ass suitcase full of stuff that I don't use here so that I can get it back to Reno.  Moving back one big suitcase at a time!

Oh...I can't forget my drugs.  God help me if I forget my anti-depressants and blood pressure meds.  I think I'd worry myself to death!  Haha!

Sometimes I get into a funk and ask myself..."why did I have to be fat?"  As with most families there are chunkier members than others but it's mostly the older ones...with age and all that.  I have a few fatties in my external fam...and I suppose that is where I get it from.  Some random fat gene handed down.

Why me, Fat Gene????  Why me????

...makes you want to be dead!  Or at least close to it!

Have you ever wondered why you have the self assurance that you do?  I mean...really, truly wondered?  I've discovered that everyone, to one degree or another, is a product of what others tell them that they are.

Would I believe I was the most amazing about beautiful person on Earth had I grown up being told that?  Possibly.  But would I believe it?  Now I'm rambling...and I'm not even drinking!  Nor have I taken sleeping pills yet!

While I was laying down and drifting off in my nap time yesterday I had two ideas to write about for the blog.  I wrote about one...and the other has escaped me.  As much as I've tried to remember...it's gone.  I knew I should have jotted it down on my iPhone...but I honestly didn't think I'd forget.  Serves me right for assuming that one!