Oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

I think I am starting to understand the true meaning behind those lyrics.  Bad luck?  Fate?  Life in general.  It is messed up.  No really, it is.  I have my good days and my bad days.  My good and bad years.  And the relentless, never-ending life of bad luck and always being THAT girl...in THAT situation.

Yes...I'm THAT girl in THIS situation.  I'm FAT.  That does not define me....unless I allow it.  And I allow it often.  I'm a happy person, overall.  But when I'm picked over for someone smaller, thinner and prettier than me...I can be a real bitch.  And annoyed.  And frustrated.  Sad.  There are all these emotions rolling around in me.  They go away for a while...but then they come back...rolling in like thunder chasing the wind.  It's life.  It's the way of it.  Can I ever get away from it?  Will I ever have all of my dreams fulfilled?  And more importantly when I die...can I say it was not in vain?  That falling in love with my husband...my best friend...my soul mate...was the greatest achievement of my life?  (He is!)  I don't want to die without impacting someone...without leaving a legacy of some kind behind.  I want people to say my name and think, wow, she was so cool.

I'm rambling.  I don't have a whole lot of clear things to write right now so you get my rambling, ramblingy, ramblings.  Aren't you guys so lucky?? 

I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog entries (other than my biggest fan-my husband).

Speak up if you read my blog!  Leave a comment.  I'll love ya for it!

So tomorrow night I will be embarking on my first Amtrak adventure to Reno.  I'm writing this now because I have no idea how much time I will have tomorrow afternoon after work to worry about entering another blog.  That's not to say that I may not create an entry from there...but I'm not planning on taking my laptop along so that's that.

I miss my husband, my pets...(even though I'll be leaving Peaches behind and missing her terribly).  I'll be having a lot of fun just being with my husband and celebrating our 8th anniversary (as of today!)

So here I sit...pondering over just how to pack the big ass suitcase full of stuff that I don't use here so that I can get it back to Reno.  Moving back one big suitcase at a time!

Oh...I can't forget my drugs.  God help me if I forget my anti-depressants and blood pressure meds.  I think I'd worry myself to death!  Haha!

So I was thinking about my past relationships and my current one with my husband and I realized that for some reason guys must think that a woman's largest erogenous zone is between her legs!  Seriously guys....it ain't!  OK, maybe ultimately it is...but to get us to the brink of a great orgasm it doesn't start with the main course....you need to make it through the appetizers and salad first before you get to the cuisine, no?  OK...enough food analogies.  Here's the deal.  And guys...all of you...listen up.  This is a valuable lesson that you need to remember.  When you've got a hot, writhing and naked woman in your bed do not zero in immediately on her clit.  PLAY with her body.  The mind is the largest erogenous zone....and the way to the mind is by touching her body...talking to her....make love with touch and words....tell her how nasty she is and how much it turns you on...run your hands around her breasts without touching the nipples...tease...lightly...tickle.  PLEASE do not make the mistake of touching her to see if she's remotely wet and if she's not within 60 seconds dragging out the lube.  Not gonna solve anything, guys!  Undress her slowly, nibble down the sides of her neck, listen to her breathing quicken and soft moans.  Allow her time to run her hands behind your neck...kissing you...down your chest...over your strong arms.  Making love is so much more than just a 10 minute ordeal.  Take the time to learn each other...whether you've been lovers for one week or 50 years!  There is nothing more erotic than knowing that you personally turn your lover on.

And being a large woman...well, there's just that much more to play with!  Large breasts, large thighs, large ass, large stomach...everything is bigger!  Everything is tastier!  Make your way down between her legs and make her beg to feel you inside of her!  Withhold, tease, you've got the ultimate weapon...use it.  Buy some toys...a feather and honey dust can go a long, long way.  Shop together.  Buy something you will both enjoy using together.

Ladies...don't forget your man is more than just a penis.  I've learned that one myself.  They, too, enjoy being touched and teased.  Licked, carressed, kissed.  Don't forget to communicate what you enjoy.  Don't forget to tell your lover how much you love them...and how attractive they are to you.  Trust me...you'll be rewarded ten fold!

Ever since I remember my mom had me on a diet.  I harbor a great deal of resentment towards her about that but I'm working through it in my own due time.  However, when you're the age of 5 and on a diet for being chubby it's not cool.  What I didn't realize at the time but realize now is that what my mom was telling me in her own passive aggressive way was that I was less than good enough for her.  I was on diets at 5, 6, 8 and on up into my puberty years.  I was never good enough...pretty enough.  Wouldn't it have been just as good to enroll me in a sports program?  Swimming?  Or maybe just tell me that I'm pretty as I am?  I don't understand what was going on in her mind...but it has taken years for me to realize that I AM ok, just as I am. 

Some days are easier than others to understand that...I still have the occasional issue about not being good enough...especially when it comes to being with my husband.  I know he loves me...there is no doubt in my mind about that.  But I also know that I was never his "type".  Some people are attracted to fatties and some people aren't.  He isn't.  And so, while I have been with several men in my life...all of whom were very attracted to the fact that I was comfortable in my own skin...the one man who means the most to me I have the most problems with feeling adequate enough for.  I want him to see my personality and positive nature when we make love...but instead I see myself through his eyes.  Fat, unattractive, ugly.  And that hurts.  While men in my past love that I can climb on top and get all aggressive on them...I feel embarrassed and unattractive if I even THINK about doing it with him...let alone actually doing it.

This is not his fault.  He loves me.  And I love him.  Love is not the problem here.  Acceptance of myself...and of him...is.  I'm having problems.  Even now I'm crying while writing this because I feel ashamed that I feel this way.  Ashamed that I don't trust my husband enough to love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Ashamed that I don't give him the chance to.  God I want to.  I want to feel gorgeous and attractive in his eyes....and in the eyes of my parents.  Whom, I might add, still find me less than adequate.  My father reminds me that I need to lose weight almost every time I see him.  My mom...well, in her own way reminds me of the same.  My husband doesn't tell me any of that.  He just wants me to be healthy.  And that's all that I want, too.

I need to be loved, appreciated, accepted, and wanted without reservation.  Will I ever allow myself to do so?

I recently watched a movie, He's Just Not That Into You, and there's a quote from it...

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is...just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

I've seen this movie twice now and both times it was a little hard to get into from the beginning...but then, somehow, like an old battered blanket that you used to hate but now you can't imagine living without, it creeps up on you.  You're into it.  It makes me feel so thankful that I have a wonderful and loving husband who fell in love with who I am...flaws and all.  Extra pounds and crazy attitude.  He didn't fall in love with who I might be.  He didn't fall in love with a woman that he planned to get to lose weight.  He fell in love with me.  And never, in all the 9 years that we've been together, have I ever doubted his love for me.  Call me cheesy...but he really is my other half.  My soul mate.  He's my yang to my yin.  We're not the most perfect couple in the world...but after all of the guys I've dated and even an ex-husband....I know he's the one I was working towards in my life.  He's it.  He's the one.  And I will always and forever be grateful for his love, his patience, his slapstick and weird wit and his true acceptance of me...all of me.

This post is dedicated to my husband...and to all those other people out there who are searching for love and keep stumbling.  Please don't give up.  You'll find your ONE.  And when you do....it'll be amazing.  I know mine is.

I love you, Kurt.  Forever.

This blog has been an idea in the making for quite some time.  My life is pretty interesting sometimes and in order for my posterity or people generations in the future to believe what I write...I figure I'd best put it down (so to speak).

Now granted, my life is not the most exciting.  I've lived a lot, cried a lot, and fell in love a few times.  I'll cover a lot of that stuff as I go but really I want to concentrate on the present.  God knows I'm not perfect.  I have my faults and they are many.  I wish I were less complex but I suppose I'd be less interesting if I were...and if that were the case then I'd probably not be writing a blog!

So here I am.  My name, for privacy sake, is V-Dizzle.  For now anyway.  It's an inside joke between myself and my husband.  The only person on this world who knows my every secret and loves me anyway.  How many people can honestly say that?  I mean really?  Can you? 

Continuing on...I am 36 years of age, 4'11" (or 150 cm...approximately.  I think.)  I'm also almost 300 pounds.  Now imagine, in your mind, a chubby bug...and then what that bug would resemble if you stepped on it so that it was half it's size.  That is me.  Well, not a bug, but squashed...compact.  Short...but not petite...no matter WHAT my pants say that I purchase from Lane Bryant! 

I'm FAT.  F.A.T.  It's three letters.  I have no problem describing myself as such because that is what I am.  Some people gasp when I say it about myself and their instint is to tell me "you're not fat!"  Are they blind?  No.  They just think it's like a bad word....like fuck.  That's a bad word.  Fat?  Nah.  It's the truth!

I'm short.  People aren't offended by short.  Some think it's cute.  Some are annoyed by my asking them to help me reach something.  Most laugh it off.  I didn't get to be my age without coming to terms with the fact that the growth spurt that I was waiting on during puberty is never going to happen.  I'm cool with asking for help.  I like it.  I like being me...most of the time.  And THAT is what this blog is all about.

My life...as a short...fat...woman.

Welcome...save the feed.  Stay tuned.  This will hopefully be quite a ride!