I've had to sparingly use my weight loss shakes over the past month due to budget cuts so I'm not getting in the right amount of healthy calories that I should be.  Add that to that old plateau from a while back and going off of Phentermine (I've got a new Rx from my doctor that I'm waiting for payday to fill) and I've put on a few pounds again.  No, I've not gained it all back.  In fact, when I went to the dr. a couple of weeks ago I'd only gained back 7...but still, who wants to see the damn scale go up and not down, right?

The good thing, though, is that although I've been off of my blood pressure meds for several months now my BP was low when I went in.  Instead of being something in my old usual range of around 130-something / 90-something it was 113/73.  I was stoked to say the least!

One of my classes that I'm taking in the fall is an aerobics class.  I'm really super excited to start.  It's probably gonna kick my ass to start but I'm down for it!  Most definitely!

Happy 4th, peeps!  Hope you're having a better time than I am!

I had typed up a big ol' update a few days ago and then my program crashed and I lost it.  Ugh.  So here I go again.
Firstly, let me apologize for disappearing as I have.  It's been a crazy past couple of months.  Seriously.  I'm not making that up!
The Spring semester has ended and I'm in my 2nd week of summer break.  I'm so stoked for this break.  I thought math was going to break me, I swear!  I thought last semester was rough, well kick it up a few notches and that's the difficulty of this last class.  And it's only going to get worse!  I'll be living at the tutoring center in the Fall; that'll be that.
Of course I did swell in both my Writing Fiction and Digital Photography class.  I've got some great photos that I need to put into frames and hang up now.  We're talking some kickass pictures!  Not because of the class...but because I had time to actually go through pics from the past year and print them out in class.  So nice when you have a great photo printer worth thousands of buckeroos at your disposal!
As far as weight loss goes...the plateau that I'd hit really hit me hard.  Not only was I not losing weight, but I was losing momentum in a big way.   I was trying not to, but when you don't lose for well over a month, you lose steam.  Needless to say, I fell into the typical rut that those who lose weight fall into for a while.  It didn't help with all of the stress going on from school and such, either, and I easily started to give a day up here and there with exercise...until finally I wasn't exercising at all.  NOT GOOD when trying to lose weight.
No fear, fellow fatties, I'm back.  Well, technically I never left, but I'm back for a few months again.  Regularly until school's back in again.  You know how it goes.  I'm back on the treadmill daily.  Forcing myself to not take Sundays off again so that I get back into the habit again.  When I feel I'm good and ready, I'll give myself that one day off again.  Until then...I'm full force and gung-ho.  It's not fair that us fatties have to always worry about falling off of the wagon, so to speak.  No matter if we reach our goal...we always have to be in hyper-awareness mode of what we're eating, how much, and when....we will never be free from being fat, not really.  Not fair at all.  In fact, it downright sucks.  I want to be one of those people with the magic metabolism.  Of course I will never be...so here I am, doing what I can with what I've got.
Still no work to be found and we're entering summer where the pickings are slim in the bank, as well.  We're usually tight during the summer until my first part of my student loan comes through.  I really wish I could find SOMETHING.  I am trying to keep busy in the meantime.  I'm still volunteering a lot at the SPCA, we're in the process of moving to a new location.  Bigger and better.  Yay!  I'm also involved in animal transport and have done a few of those now, as well.  Which leads me to my next big news...
K and I would love to introduce you to our new family member...merry Mary.

She's part Chow-Chow part Golden Retriever.  She's got the sweet and loving personality of a Golden, and the fluffiness of a Chow.  We couldn't have been more lucky in a new family member.  She's Emily's age, 11 years, and so she's old and creaky.  Her hips are not what they used to be, I'm sure, and she stumbles or loses her balance from time to time...but she's got lots of kisses and love for anyone she meets and Emily and Peaches are slowly getting used to having her as part of our family.  Mary came into our lives through my transporting some doggies from Battle Mountain County Animal Shelter which is about a 3 hour drive East of Reno.  I didn't leave home expecting to be bringing home a new family member...but she was going to be put down if I didn't pull her, and nobody's shown any interest at all in her being's that she was so old.  K and I have a soft spot for older doggies...they need a loving home in their final years.  That's the least that we can do for them.  So Mary came home with me, along with the two other dogs that I was transporting.  We took her to the vet within a day of her arrival and she got all of her shots and then took her to the groomer where she was thinned out and shampooed.  After that, it was like her entire demeanor went from blue to perky.  She literally prances and dances and shakes her head in joy.  She's such a blessing to us...and will continue to be so.
So that brings me to today.  Now.  Things are pretty much the same as usual.  K celebrated his 51st birthday and so we had a dinner/movie date...something that we haven't done for months and months since there's just not money for that kind of thing.  It was nice to get out with my sweetie pie and just be together without worrying about the kids.
So that's what's been happening with me.  As I mentioned, now that it's Summertime, I will be updating on a more regular basis again.

I got on the scale this morning, and, as you might have noticed my ticker in the top right, I lost a whopping SIX pounds this past week! 

Now people, before you get all concerned, I'm eating!  Sometimes, I think I'm eating too much.  But I'm changing my habits.  No longer do I head to Starbucks for my frappaccino after classes during the week, nor do I hit McD's several times a week.  I eat healthy dinners that my husband prepares on a daily basis (ok, ALMOST daily), smaller portion sizes, healthy desserts like peaches and nectarines and grapes, as opposed to ice cream.  HOWEVER, I am not denying myself my favorite things.  Once each week, on Saturdays, I treat myself to McD's.  I get a caramel frappé, three mcdoubles, and a large fry.  Normally, I am only able to finish the fries and a burger, sipping on the frappé most of the evening, leaving two burgers left over for whenever. 

I bought two pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream almost a month ago, and ice cream, ladies and gents, is my weakness.  I have only ate one pint of the two!  I'm just not craving it.  And when I think about wanting something sweet, I go to the fruit in the fridge before I go to the ice cream.  OR, we also have Minute Maid's frozen juice bar that are a treat, as well.  I'm not depriving myself.  I'm not starving by any means.  I'm getting in around 1000 calories per day, give or take. 

I am exercising on a regular basis, walking at the correct target heart rate speed, as opposed to going as fast as I could, as far as I could, in the least amount of time that I could.  In doing this, I'm burning fat instead of muscle.  All calories are not alike!  Burn the right ones!

I'm getting my water in.  It was one of my Hot 100 goals, and I've been doing awesome at it.

Another goal was to put the most effort that I could possibly give towards school and my family.  Well, my family is fine, however, I didn't do so well on my first spanish test.  Oh, I passed, that's not the issue.  But it was with a C+.  What the hell???  I can do much better than that.  And it's because I didn't study nearly as much as I should, for it.  So, that's my goal this week, in particular, to get my flash cards created and work on those.  I need to learn the conjugations that we've went over, backwards and forwards.  No excuses!

So that's it for the week.  Obviously, I've gotten a lot of things off of my chest in the past couple of days.  Woohoo!  It's my mutli-posting again!

The other day I was watching the first season of Drop Dead Diva's second episode, The "F" Word.  She reiterated what I've been telling people for many years now...it's OKAY to say that you are FAT, if that is, indeed, what you are!  Don't fluff it up by calling it various other adjectives like large, full-figured, yada yada.  We are what we are....do we believe that by calling it something else that it will make it less so; or that others will believe we're less fat if we call it by another name?  I used to think that way a very long time ago.  I could never call myself fat.  I was so embarrassed by it, and I would turn red as a beet if anyone so much as LOOKED at me, let alone called me fat.  I'd end up in tears, more times than not.  But it wasn't until I was in my 30's that I began to accept myself as being who and what I was.  I accepted that I will NEVER be a size 4.  Hell, I'll never be a size 10!  But that's ok.  I'm becoming more and more healthy by choosing the right foods to eat, the right amounts to eat, and by exercising on a regular basis.

When I first began to accept myself, I took a picture of me and did a bit of photoshopping to it and came up with the following image:

I'm not saying that it's healthy to be fat.  Far from it.  But being fat doesn't mean that you can't enjoy life, enjoy being you, and love every moment of it all.  And if people give you that LOOK, and we all know what that is, look them straight in the eye and tell them.... "I know I'm fat, but I'm cool with that!"  Nothing makes a person speechless, embarrassed, and chagrined, than being confronted with what they thought they'd never be confronted with...because they felt that they were somehow superior to us.

Be proud, be you!

One of the blogs that I follow, Donut Therapy, mentioned this awesome challenge happening over at another blog, Log My Loss.  Now, some of you may know that I'm rather competitive with myself.  I don't mind so much competing against others, because, essentially, why do I care what other people think???  This is my journey, my goal, my loss, my life - should I really care about competing with others?  No.  However, and this is a big HOWEVER, I do compete with myself.  I wonder if that makes as much sense written out as it does in my head....  I don't feel TOO bad when I don't lose..or when I gain a little...but I do feel a little bit bad.  So anyway, I'm rambling.

Basically, this challenge is about the last 100 days of the year.  I will let Steve, from Log My Loss, explain it to you better. 

"What is the Hot 100?  The Hot 100 is a challenge focused on the last 100 days of 2010.  September 23, 2010 starts the clock.  From that day forward there are exactly 100 days left in 2010.  One hundred days to make this your year.  One hundred days to achieve your goals.  One hundred days, each and every one of which can be a great day!"

I DO want to mention that, although he mentions September 23, he's giving everyone until October 1 to be in the game.

And so, as I mentioned, this isn't a challenge against others...but WITH others.  Hopefully, with all of the great support available out there, we can ALL achieve our goals.  Now, part of the Hot 100, is that I need to set some goals for myself.  At least three.  That's easy enough, so here goes....

1. Keep up with my current water intake.  My current goal is 2.5 Litres per day.  Sometimes I drink a little more, most of the time I drink a little less.  I need to stay on top of it.  It's hard to do when I'm in class part of the week.  The instructors frown on jumping up to pee every 10 minutes!  But, I'll learn to deal with it.
2. Keep up with my current treadmill goal.  I've successfully made it to the point where it's become a habit, and one that I enjoy, but some days are much harder to get my arse on there than others.  I'm sure most of you understand where I'm coming from with this!
3. Whatever I do, no matter what happens, I will maintain a positive attitude towards not only my weight loss journey, but my school, family, and money issues.  When I allow the rest of my life to take over my mind,  it affects the rest of what I'm setting out to accomplish.  This needs to stop.

So that's it.  You can click on the links within this post to go check out the challenge info, or you can find (and click) on the link in the sidebar, to the right.  I hope to see you joining this challenge with myself, and many others, as we all share the common goal of wanting to be healthy.

Let's hear a "BOOYAH!!!"

Do you fellow fatties ever have people just look at you in disgust?  No longer do they actually SAY anything to your face about how fat you are...but instead just look at you with a mix of "I'm so glad I'm not you" and, "stop eating donuts, you fat pig!"  Seriously....get off it.  If I'm this fat...I don't need your snooty looks reminding me.  I am reminded practically every moment of every day...from the time I wake up in the morning with a sore back to the time I crawl into bed at night with aching knees, feet and ankles.  I don't need you to remind me that I'm fat!

You know what you REALLY need to do?  You need to reevaluate yourself.  Seriously.  If you want to put forth the effort into shooting iced daggers towards me, just stop.  Ask yourself why are you even bothering?  Am I bothering YOU?  Am I in your way?  Am I taking up half of your airline seat?  The answer is no.  I don't fly anymore because I know I"m too fat.  Besides...it's freakin' embarrassing asking for the damn seatbelt extender!  So why are you bothering wasting negative emotions on me; someone you don't even know?  No, I get that you didn't SAY anything...but you were the kid back in my formative years who never missed an opportunity to do so!  You're the one who stalked me through the halls, oinking at me, laughing at me, harrassing me, and making me feel like I was inferior to you.

Guess what?  I'm not.  In fact, I'm quite smart.  What have YOU done with YOUR life, I might ask?  I'm absolutely, positively happy with the choices that I've made in MINE.  Are YOU?

So before you look at me like I'm the scourged, epitome of evil....take a moment to reflect on just what it is that you're angry at me for.  My guess?  Jealousy.  Because I don't have to worry about being a size 2....ever.  Why bother try to achieve the unachievable?  To me...it's a waste of MY time and my energy.  I have far more important things to be spending it all on.  Work, family, learning, growing.

So go ahead...have at it.  But if you're meaning to make me feel bad?  Don't bother, because....

I am rubber, you are glue....

(Note: This is not an event that has happened to me recently, but instead one of many instances of this sort that happened to me when I was young.  I write about it in support of others who may not be as strong as I am now, to help them stand up and to give them a voice.  Or at least let them know that they're not alone.)

Along with clarity comes conviction.  At least for me it does.

That night in the rain did something to me.  Short circuited my brain, maybe?  Maybe!  But whatever it did, it's changed me.  Maybe it was so that I would begin the long road of letting go of dreams and starting to create new ones.  Whatever it was, I'm in a better spot mentally.  No longer do I look at my sweet, darling husband and resent the fact that he doesn't want to touch me...because, quite frankly, I'm not sure what I'd do if he did!  I don't have the energy to do much, anyway!  We are in love and that is what matters.  People search their whole lives looking for what we have together...and I'm going to try to remember that.

I've been exercising.  For the past 2 days I've been exercising for 30 minutes each day.  I know it's not a habit yet...and the ritual is still so very new that it can still be broken.  But, here's where the conviction comes in.  I don't want to stop exercising!  Oh, I do look forward to the end of 30 minutes...but at the end of it, I feel great!  I feel accomplished.  And I feel as though I'm doing something to make my body stronger so that I can live longer and make that difference that I spoke of in my previous post.

Along with the exercise I've been sticking more closely to my food intake.  Some days I don't ingest as many calories as I should...but I'm working on it.  I know a common misconception is that fat people eat too much...my problem is that I don't eat enough.  At least of the good stuff.  Sometimes I eat too many brownies, or pieces of cake, or cookies, or, or...ICE CREAM!!!  My weakness is carbs and desserts...but I'm working through that, as well.  I'm trying to recondition my brain to realize that string cheese is just as good (and it is!) as a brownie.  I'm trying to teach my brain that grapes are so much better than a cookie.  I can't change my mindset overnight...but I'm working on it.  And already I'm feeling better about myself.

For the past several months I've been in a slump mentally and certainly physically.  Well, no more.  I'm finished with slumps.  My goal is to lose at least 25 pounds by the 31st.  Think I can do it?

I know I can!