Yes, all thoughts of keeping an updated blog since last April have of course flown out the window.  No longer will I promise to keep anything updated as long as I'm in school.  Summer has come and gone and I'm back in classes once more.  Math (of course), English and Photography (again).  The first because let's face it, I think I will always be taking math, the second because I need it to achieve my general associates and the last because I have a lot of printing that I need to do and this is the easiest and cheapest way to go about it!  Seriously!

I've went off of my antidepressants.  The reason why I went on them 5 years ago no longer holds true so I figure it's time to live life without them again.  I'm doing well, although I'm hoping my anxiety doesn't get the best of me.  I worry.  I fret.  It's who I am.

The kids are all doing great.  Emily and Mary are both getting older and it hurts my heart to see them so stiff legged and not well.  This past summer we thought we'd do Emily a favor and buy her a little wading pool and she ADORED it.  However I was neglectful and never dried her ears out after she went swimming and now she has a raging infection in one of them.  Of course I discover this tidbit on the Friday afternoon BEFORE a long holiday weekend so the next available appt was for Wednesday afternoon.  I feel absolutely terrible for letting it get as bad as it is.  She never complains about it so I never suspected…and who lifts their doggies ear up on a regular basis to peer inside?  So she's in a world of discomfort right now and I feel so bad because of it.

The kitties are awesome….all 7 of them although I think I need to figure out a different way of feeding Miss Athena upstairs because she's in such a small room all the time she doesn't get as much exercise as she needs and so she's getting a couple extra unneeded pounds on her.  I don't like abusing my critters in the manner in which I myself am afflicted so I'm researching on the best way to handle that.  Maybe a different kitty food and only feeding twice daily.  We'll see.

So that's that.  I guess my life is pretty dull and therefore doesn't really NEED a lot of updates at the moment.  Maybe someday.

Today I turned 40 years old.  I think back to me 20 years ago and think, wow, things are sure a lot different from what I'd had envisioned in my head.  Would I change some things?  I'd love to say yes…but in reality, no.  If anything had went differently I'd not be who I am today.  Does that mean that I don't regret some of the choices that I made?  Of course not.  But I like who I've become, I like where I am now, and I love what I'm doing with my life.

Am I sad that I don't have any human kids?  Sometimes.  But what can I do?  It is what it is and it is what it is.

Happy birthday to me.

So much has happened since I last checked in.  Well, it seems to me that so much has happened but to others it's probably just another day...

Kurt and I bought a house.  It's adorable, it was well in our price range and the backyard is HUGE for the kids.  Best of all, we're saving over $300/month in mortgage payments as opposed to what we were paying for rent.  Gotta like that!

The downside is that it's a fixer upper.  Not really a DOWNside so much as its a work in progress.  The walls all throughout need to be painted, that's on the top of the priority list.  As well as adding an additional power outlet in each room.  It's an old house, built in 1949, so it's original wood flooring and quirky doors and such but the best part is that it's ours.

We've also added 5 (yes 5) kittens to our family.  It started out with the 2 that I kept that I fostered last summer, and they're almost 6 months old now...and then I temp fostered 5 kittens in December and we had to keep 3 of them (we wanted to keep them all but we just couldn't).  So now we've got 5 kittens all under 6 months.  2 are almost 6 mths and 3 are 8 weeks.  ALL of them are freakin' adorable.  And, since I've handraised them all, from bottlefeeding every 2 hours 24/7 to teaching them to eat solids and use the litter box, I'm mommy to them...they're lap kitties and love snuggles.  I adore them.  :)

Mary and Emily still aren't getting along so we're not even trying to push it with them.  We keep them separated at all times now, which means that we'll need to put off fostering children until (god forbid) one of them crosses the rainbow bridge.  We can't have any accidents with leaving doors open or whatnot.  We switch days as to who gets to spend the majority of the daytime in the main part of the house and who's separated...they both get time in the main part during the day but we switch them out so that they get time with not just me but Kurt, too.

The new semester is starting now.  With buying a house and all last semester I was just not very present at all in my brain so hoping that this coming one will go over better for me.  This semester I didn't get to class sign ups in time so I'm taking math (of course), which I've already taken but I'm re-taking it so that I'm better able to grasp the concepts.  I tried taking the next class but I was so lost and ended up dropping it.  I'm also taking 2 art classes.  I know, I know.  Ceramics, which I hate, and Advanced Digital Photography.  It should be an interesting semester!

Something else that is happening for us is that Kurt and I signed up with Big Brothers Big Sisters so we'll be getting our "Littles" in a couple of weeks after our FBI checks come back.  Can't be too careful when it comes to working with kidgets.  We're really excited to work with kids who need a good role model and mentor.

I've had to sparingly use my weight loss shakes over the past month due to budget cuts so I'm not getting in the right amount of healthy calories that I should be.  Add that to that old plateau from a while back and going off of Phentermine (I've got a new Rx from my doctor that I'm waiting for payday to fill) and I've put on a few pounds again.  No, I've not gained it all back.  In fact, when I went to the dr. a couple of weeks ago I'd only gained back 7...but still, who wants to see the damn scale go up and not down, right?

The good thing, though, is that although I've been off of my blood pressure meds for several months now my BP was low when I went in.  Instead of being something in my old usual range of around 130-something / 90-something it was 113/73.  I was stoked to say the least!

One of my classes that I'm taking in the fall is an aerobics class.  I'm really super excited to start.  It's probably gonna kick my ass to start but I'm down for it!  Most definitely!

Happy 4th, peeps!  Hope you're having a better time than I am!

Have you ever wondered what your life would have been like had you taken a right instead of a left?  Went straight instead of turned around?  Took one job offer instead of another?

I'm involved these days with dog rescue and transport and fostering.  I'm still volunteering at the SPCA but it's not as often due to my new interests!  I probably make a couple trips each month to Battle Mountain to pull doggies on death row and bring them back to either temp foster or hand off to a new foster family.  It's a satisfying way to feel as though I'm doing something good for the critters out there.

Unfortunately, our newest member that we adopted after my first trip out there has a fascination like you wouldn't believe for birds.  It ended up as Daisy's demise as Mary got a hold of her purely accidentally and killed our birdie.  :(  We've been without Daisy for about 3 weeks now and we still cry when we think about her.  I miss my baby birdie girl.

That being said, it's July now.  And with July in the desert comes high temps.  It just makes me glad we don't live down in Southern NV.  I don't think we'd be able to survive without A/C down there.  It's bad enough up here!  The dogs are listless during the day and perk up in the evening when it gets cooler outside.  Shoot, if it weren't for creepy crawlies outside I'd camp out with blankets at night!  But I don't have a hankering for sleeping with earwigs or firebugs.  Bleh.

I had typed up a big ol' update a few days ago and then my program crashed and I lost it.  Ugh.  So here I go again.
Firstly, let me apologize for disappearing as I have.  It's been a crazy past couple of months.  Seriously.  I'm not making that up!
The Spring semester has ended and I'm in my 2nd week of summer break.  I'm so stoked for this break.  I thought math was going to break me, I swear!  I thought last semester was rough, well kick it up a few notches and that's the difficulty of this last class.  And it's only going to get worse!  I'll be living at the tutoring center in the Fall; that'll be that.
Of course I did swell in both my Writing Fiction and Digital Photography class.  I've got some great photos that I need to put into frames and hang up now.  We're talking some kickass pictures!  Not because of the class...but because I had time to actually go through pics from the past year and print them out in class.  So nice when you have a great photo printer worth thousands of buckeroos at your disposal!
As far as weight loss goes...the plateau that I'd hit really hit me hard.  Not only was I not losing weight, but I was losing momentum in a big way.   I was trying not to, but when you don't lose for well over a month, you lose steam.  Needless to say, I fell into the typical rut that those who lose weight fall into for a while.  It didn't help with all of the stress going on from school and such, either, and I easily started to give a day up here and there with exercise...until finally I wasn't exercising at all.  NOT GOOD when trying to lose weight.
No fear, fellow fatties, I'm back.  Well, technically I never left, but I'm back for a few months again.  Regularly until school's back in again.  You know how it goes.  I'm back on the treadmill daily.  Forcing myself to not take Sundays off again so that I get back into the habit again.  When I feel I'm good and ready, I'll give myself that one day off again.  Until then...I'm full force and gung-ho.  It's not fair that us fatties have to always worry about falling off of the wagon, so to speak.  No matter if we reach our goal...we always have to be in hyper-awareness mode of what we're eating, how much, and when....we will never be free from being fat, not really.  Not fair at all.  In fact, it downright sucks.  I want to be one of those people with the magic metabolism.  Of course I will never be...so here I am, doing what I can with what I've got.
Still no work to be found and we're entering summer where the pickings are slim in the bank, as well.  We're usually tight during the summer until my first part of my student loan comes through.  I really wish I could find SOMETHING.  I am trying to keep busy in the meantime.  I'm still volunteering a lot at the SPCA, we're in the process of moving to a new location.  Bigger and better.  Yay!  I'm also involved in animal transport and have done a few of those now, as well.  Which leads me to my next big news...
K and I would love to introduce you to our new family member...merry Mary.

She's part Chow-Chow part Golden Retriever.  She's got the sweet and loving personality of a Golden, and the fluffiness of a Chow.  We couldn't have been more lucky in a new family member.  She's Emily's age, 11 years, and so she's old and creaky.  Her hips are not what they used to be, I'm sure, and she stumbles or loses her balance from time to time...but she's got lots of kisses and love for anyone she meets and Emily and Peaches are slowly getting used to having her as part of our family.  Mary came into our lives through my transporting some doggies from Battle Mountain County Animal Shelter which is about a 3 hour drive East of Reno.  I didn't leave home expecting to be bringing home a new family member...but she was going to be put down if I didn't pull her, and nobody's shown any interest at all in her being's that she was so old.  K and I have a soft spot for older doggies...they need a loving home in their final years.  That's the least that we can do for them.  So Mary came home with me, along with the two other dogs that I was transporting.  We took her to the vet within a day of her arrival and she got all of her shots and then took her to the groomer where she was thinned out and shampooed.  After that, it was like her entire demeanor went from blue to perky.  She literally prances and dances and shakes her head in joy.  She's such a blessing to us...and will continue to be so.
So that brings me to today.  Now.  Things are pretty much the same as usual.  K celebrated his 51st birthday and so we had a dinner/movie date...something that we haven't done for months and months since there's just not money for that kind of thing.  It was nice to get out with my sweetie pie and just be together without worrying about the kids.
So that's what's been happening with me.  As I mentioned, now that it's Summertime, I will be updating on a more regular basis again.

I know, I know, I've been terrible with writing lately, dear blog, but I have a good reason. M-A-T-H. That's right, math. It's kicking my ass right now and I've been trying to use spare moments to study. I've even stopped going over to the SPCA so much and use that time to study. I have a test coming up on Wednesday and I will admit that I'm worried. The material that it's covering is stuff that I'm just not grasping as fast as I'd like and, well, that creates a lot of stress in my life. The other day I had a break down in a coffee shop that I was studying at. I just started crying because I didn't understand what I was doing and I didn't know how to make myself understand. It's a very frustrating feeling. Needless to say, I've made tutoring appointments for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday before classes to go over all of it in the hopes that I'll be able to grasp it a little better.

As far as weight loss goes, I'm still stuck in my plateau. Or I have been, anyway. Tomorrow is my weigh-in so we'll see how I've done this week. It's getting pretty discouraging, to be quite honest. In three months I've lost about 10 pounds, whereas the previous 3 months I lost a LOT more.

So that's it, blog. I told you I had a good reason for being gone for so long. When it comes down to it, studying has priority over pretty much everything else, as of late. I will tell you, though, that I'm looking forward to summer break when I can hang out at the SPCA more and worry less about math. Blah.

It's official! I'm a one woman show...well, me and my ass, that is. It's disappearing! Those pounds might not be coming off as fast as I'd like, but my ass is sure diminishing by the day. As a woman who is intimately in the know about her body, I know all of my lumps, curves, bubbles, jiggles and smooshiness. And I know my ass. And it's smaller. Much smaller. In fact, if my ass gets much smaller I'm gonna have to go ghetto with my jeans and buy a belt to keep them up around my ass. I like my booty...I hope it doesn't disappear altogether! My arms seem to be shrinking these days a little bit, too. I can deal with that. My arms are huge. I hate them. And of course my thighs are disappearing. I used to be pretty much wedged behind the steering wheel of my car once upon a time...now I fit loosely and comfortably. NOW I fit in the desks at school...not that I sit at them. I prefer the big girl table. Cuz I'm a big girl. And I wear my big girl panties. OK, I'm digressing...

I'm gonna have some news in the next day or two. So stay tuned. This amazing disappearing ass lady is on a roll and on her way down, down, down to downtown...

OK, now I'm really digressing. Sorry!

I'm in my photography class, which I find distinctly unchallenging....so I'm bored. So I'm blogging. But now, I must go.

Have you ever said to yourself, "I'll just have a bite of ice cream (or whatever your weakness is). One bite won't hurt." So you take the bite, find that you've lost weight at the end of the week and think, "Wow, even though I had that bite of ice cream, I still lost weight! Cool!"

So the following week another opportunity comes up and you tell yourself that just one bite won't hurt, after all it didn't the week before...and then it happens a few times per week, then once a day, then to the point where you eat the whole piece of cake, or whatever. Before long the weight stops come off, you ask yourself where the problem is because you're doing everything that you're supposed to.

We've all been there. We're all human. We're all trying to lose that weight. (Well, most of us are, anyway.) The problem with unconscious self-sabotage is that we tend to allow those extra bites of food to become the entire piece because something, deep inside our mental pscyhe, wants to protect us from being hurt. Protect us from the harmful issues that surround us in the world. If you're like me, you've been fat all of your life (or a good portion of it) and it's what we know...what we're familiar with. The unknown is a scary place for anyone, whether it's in visiting a new restaurant, country, or being 100 pounds lighter than we used to be.

For most of us, our entire identity is built on who and what we've been for most of our lives. For me, it's being short and fat. That's also why I've told myself that I don't want to be thin...instead, I just want to be a healthy plump. My goal weight is 50 pounds heavier than any medical professional will tell me that I am supposed to be at, however it's a good deal less than what I used to weigh. However, I will still be chubby...thus keeping myself still within a comfort level that I am familiar with.

Make realistic goals for yourself. Exercise, eat right, be positive. Don't give in to that internal self wanting to fight to stay with the familiar by allowing yourself that whole piece of whatever. Keep the bite to just a bite...and you'll be so much happier with yourself when you do.

Hitting a plateau several weeks ago was tough, but I still figured I'd eventually start losing again. Here it is, a while later, and I'm still maintaining at the same weight. And for once, this morning I didn't feel at all motivated to get up and get on the treadmill. I found myself asking myself, "Why bother when it's not going to help anyway?" I've been doing everything I'm supposed to, eating the right foods, avoiding the wrong ones, allowing myself tastes of what's bad for me so as to not sabotage everything that I've worked for so far. And still...nothing. The scale doesn't budge.

I have over 100 pounds remaining. I need to find somewhere within me, the will to want to lose. Because right now, as it stands, I'm just not feeling it.

Recently I voiced my opinion on Facebook of my disappointment that my mom has become more conservative as she's gotten older. Saddened at this, my once liberal mom no longer believes in a lot of things that she once did. There are a number of factors that I attribute this change to, since who we are is molded a great deal by what we are surrounded with. She resides in Utah which, as most of the country knows, is quite conservative. Obama didn't win in Utah, I can tell you that! Most, I won't say all since that's just ridiculous, military people are conservative. My step-dad's ex-military, I imagine he'll always be involved somewhat in that life since it's hard to leave almost 30 years of your life in your past for good.

Oddly, when I posted that on Facebook, it wasn't my mom who replied to the post, but my step-dad, who called it bullshit and subsequently accused me of living in "fairyland". I'm a little puzzled at this one...what exactly IS fairyland. Let's take a look at Webster's dictionary and see what it has to say...

Interestingly enough, Webster's has no idea what I'm talking about! The only results I'm able to find are put out by Wikipedia, which is never the most reliable source of information since anyone could log in today and change the wording to the Star-Spangled Banner to the lyrics from Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and call it right. The closest thing that I can find to it is put out by Princeton University. Unsure if that's THE Princeton, or if it's something else entirely. Anyway, it says: "fantasy world; something existing solely in the imagination (but often mistaken for reality)".

Does that mean that MY beliefs are what he considers imaginary? Does the fact that I believe in our president of the United States, the man whom I voted for, mean that he doesn't support him? What American doesn't support their president??? Isn't there a word for that? I can't think off hand (damn meds with the side effect of memory loss!) Anyway, if I live in an imaginary land, does that mean that I'm imagining being poor? Will I wake up tomorrow only to find that I'm a gajillionire and living in Bora Bora? Or maybe school is a dream and I'm still stuck at my old job that I hated. Fairyland... Hmmm, quite interesting.

Unfortunately, I'm now going to have to censor what I say on my own Facebook page, because goodness knows I don't want to be accused of living in a "fairyland" again. Sigh. And just when I thought it was safe to release the breath I've been holding.

It's always difficult when you don't share the same beliefs as the ones that you love. I imagine that the best that I can do is set it all aside and just love them anyway. Because I do. I love my mom, and I love my step-dad, even if he said I live in fairyland! Cuz I know that he doesn't mean any harm in it, that it was an instinctual reaction in sticking up for my mom.

I know they both read my blog on a regular basis, so mom, Randy....from my fairyland to yours...I love you both, and I'm looking forward to seeing you guys next month! :)

Many people, after having read my previous post about my Cosmo boy, have accused me of being selfish for feeling so heartrendingly sad to see him go. Let me assure you, once again, that I am ECSTATIC that he has found a wonderful home. He's now got a permanent playmate with their big dog (who was/is well taken care of, I noticed), parents who will love him and give him lots of scritches and tummy tubs to his little heart's content.

But let me try to explain how and why I feel the way that I do. I spend hours each week at the SPCA. Most of the pups there are adopted within a couple of weeks of arrival, so I don't form as close of a bond with them as I do with the "long timers" who've been there for a few months. There are 4 dogs that I can think of off hand who have been there as long as, or shortly after, I've been volunteering (since before xmas). Kermit, Tobi, and Archie are all kids who were there before I got there. Cosmo arrived, I believe, the same week that I did. His paperwork claimed that he'd been found wandering the streets as a stray. As soon as I looked into his sweet and soulful eyes, I knew that there was more to his beautiful spirit than just being a dog. Of course, I always know that these critters are MORE than just an animal....I call them my kids. My extended family of children. Anyway, his eyes, they were so full of wisdom and sadness. I don't know how long he was without a home, if he ever had one, but I knew that he was going to be one who needed some time to find the right forever home. I took him under my wing. I would sit for sometimes over an hour in his kennel with him, telling him stories, whispering secrets, telling him about my life, school, my various problems. He never judged, he never told any other doggies (or people) about my issues. He just listened, patiently, understandingly. He knew what I was feeling. I absolutely know that for a fact. I even cried a few tears in the thick fur around his neck as I held him close for hugs and support. He would just look at me with those deep eyes, and I knew I had a kindred soul with me. That I had a greatness in my presence.

I know many of you think that I'm crazy for saying all of this about a dog. But if you had gotten the chance to know Cosmo the way that I did, you'd understand.

Over 2 months passed by... With each dog who left the shelter with their new people he would look hopefully out the gate of his kennel...wondering when it would be his turn. I could read his mind, we had that much of a connection. I assured him that his family was going to be so special that they needed just a bit more extra time to find him than the others did. So he wanted patiently with me. We became closer...the more secrets shared, the closer our bond became. With each opening of the door, we'd both look up, in hopeful earnest, to see if THIS time it was for him.

I was so lucky to be there a few days ago when it WAS for him. And I almost wasn't! I was planning to run some errands that would take most of the afternoon that day. I left the house, got into the car, and would remember something else that I'd forgotten and have to run back in. Before I even left the front of my house, I'd been in and out of my car three times! My first stop was the grocery store to pick up some things and my meds. The first thing I realized was that I'd forgotten a coupon that I'd had in my hand before I left for a free product. I chalked it up to just one of those days and headed toward the pharmacy. They were closed for lunch and wouldn't be back for another hour. It was at the point that I realized that I was probably not supposed to run my errands that day, that I was supposed to be at the SPCA instead. So I headed over to the shelter, camera in hand, as always, and went straight to Cosmo. I sat down in the kennel with him and spent over an hour with him, snapping pics, talking, laughing, playing, giving tummy rubs. The next thing I knew, his number was up. His new family was there. It was time. I was supposed to be there so that I could say goodbye to my Cozzy. And that was the most precious gift that I could have ever received. That extra time to just say goodbye. I cried in his fur that day, when his new family was doing the paperwork. And I cried when I gave him his final hug as he was leaving out the door. I will miss my Cosmo very much...but I do look forward to forming another special bond with another critter soon.

If I'd known that my Emily had been as loved as Cosmo was when I adopted her, I'd feel so much better remembering the history of adopting her. Loving the critters is a good thing. And I'm better for it.

Yesterday my sweet, sweet boy, Cosmo, was adopted and left the shelter. He'd been there almost as long as I've been volunteering, and he didn't show well at the gate of his kennel, so everyone was kind of expecting that he'd be there for a while. So I took him under my wing. He became my sweet buddy, my best pal at the shelter. I whispered in his ear secrets that nobody else knows and I rest assured that he will never tell. It was in his eyes that I found solace on my bad days, so full of deep wisdom and soul. He was more than a friend to me, my Cosmo boy, he was one of the greatest buddies that I will ever know.

I cried when I said goodbye to him, and I cried later after going to bed, alone in the dark. My heart knows that he will be happy in his new home, with his new family, but I am saddened at the fact that I will never again see his face light up when he sees me walk in the door, his tail thumping lightly on the floor. His new people are very nice and he has a playmate in their 9 month old New Finland puppy (a very slobbery and sweet puppy). I gave him one last and final hug as they were leaving out the door; I whispered to him that he will always be loved by me, and that I would never forget him, his infinite and quiet wisdom, his thoughtful regard for me when I needed a sweet and sloppy kiss on the face. I would never forget the hugs that we shared, the big and solid body, so warm and jiggly (private joke between he and I), and his love.

Cosmo, I know you will love your new family, but know that I will always love you and will never forget you.

Adieu, my sweet friend, adieu.

One of the random problems that I'm encountering after losing almost 60 pounds is the fact that all of my clothes are falling off. Now, that can be a good thing if I could afford purchasing new clothes. However, I'm unable to do that!!!

For instance, this morning I decided that I'd had enough of an ill-fitting brassiere. I knew I had alternate ones from a previous weight loss foray, but I was pretty sure that I didn't have any that were the proper size that I needed. So, I'm rifling through my lingerie drawer, checking sizes on tags and then tossing items aside haphazardly when I find a fancy bra that I used to wear under a shrug that resembles more of a skimpy top than anything else. It's padded (of course), and has little red cherries on top of a white background and red ruffley lace along the edge. Needless to say, it's not your everyday wearing kind of dealio. Not normally anyway.

It is now!!! It was the right size! So, till I'm able to purchase a more normal brassiere, this one is going to have to do.

I had such good intentions to blog more over the holiday break....and I suppose that I didn't do TOO bad, but certainly not nearly as great as I wanted to. Such is my life. I've been fairly busy with volunteering at the SPCA and am totally loving it. Anyhoo, the new semester begins tomorrow. Math, Writing Fiction, and Digital Photography. I'm really looking forward to it. This is going to be a great semester...I can feel it!

I've started volunteering at the SPCA in Reno. I really enjoy it so far and am able to finally get my cat fix in since K's allergic and we can't have one of our own. The dogs are awesome to play with and walk and the atmosphere there is hopeful. I enjoy being there...and I feel like I'm actually doing something good with the time that would otherwise be spent playing online or worrying about money!

This particular little lady has captured my heart. Her name is Fuzz and she loves to snuggle and be close. She eventually took a cat nap laying back in my arms, cradled like a baby.

Dear blog...

I'm so sorry that I've neglected you so much this past month, or so. Things have been kind of crazy in my life. And even when it wasn't crazy, I just didn't feel like blogging about it. Finding the right words to define something that I have no idea how to define is kind of hard...so sometimes, I just have to say enough for now. Of course, I have kept up on every single Hot 100 posts...even whilst on holiday over Thanksgiving. (I'm aiming to get those peppers!) Ha.

The semester ended a couple of weeks ago with me receiving a 4.0 GPA. I was pretty excited about this fact, because doing so well in math has helped me have a more positive attitude about it all. I'm actually starting to actually LIKE math. *Gasp* Yes, I did say like. I like how there's no gray areas in math....it's cut and dried. This is how you do it, this is the answer. There are no exceptions. Yada yada. I'm surprising myself at how much I'm truly enjoying it.

The last month of the semester I was also working on my English paper...and it was the hardest one that I've had to write, so far. I was stressing over it and just really hoping that it was good enough for an A. I struggled with it...but, alas, I shouldn't have. Everything turned out just fine.

I randomly got a call from my dad about a month ago, as well. He was drunk at the time, and it was hard to talk to him like that. Apparently it's been colder than he's used to where he lives and since he only has warm weather clothes, he doesn't go out in it. So instead of getting his daily exercise and social time he stays holed up inside and drinks beer and smokes all day. This is not a good activity for anyone...but especially him. It prevents him from having any human contact, as well as all that beer is causing him to put on weight again. And he's going just a little senile, as well. He has these crazy conspiracies about people out to get him.

Anyway, during the conversation I asked him if he had decided whether or not he was going to come to Reno to visit us over xmas. He started rambling on about how he doesn't owe Reno anything and Reno doesn't owe him...and that he left Reno on a bad note. Now, when my dad and I first started talking again after so many years, he kept telling me that there were things that he wanted to tell me about that time...but that he was waiting for the right time. Suddenly, I think he believes he's already told me. When I asked him why he left Reno, he told me, "I've already told you, Shauna, but you just never listen..." I told him that he hadn't told me anything about what went on when we hadn't seen each other...and once again, in his drunken slur and booze induced, über emotional way, he once again tells me that I never listen to him when he talks. Where the hell does he get that shit from??? Maybe when I was 14 and thought I knew more than he did...but that's certainly not the case NOW!

Needless to say, it really affected me and now I'm afraid to call him to talk because I worry that he'll start on another tirade again. I didn't see or talk to my dad for 14 years...I had no idea where he was, or what he was doing. I had no idea if he was even alive. I'm enjoying getting to know him while we're both adults, but this crap with him thinking this stuff about me is over and above....

The holidays are rarely good for me these days. With each year that passes, I see my friends' kids growing up, celebrating xmas, settling into a quiet suburbian life, whilst K and I are struggling with my being unemployed and going to school. We don't celebrate xmas because we have no money. People say that it's about giving and not receiving.... Well...we don't have money to give...therefore we don't receive. We received 2 gifts this year, one from my mom and step-dad, and one from our wonderful friends, Richard and Holly. The generosity from the latter never ceases to amaze us. K and Richard essentially grew up together and it hasn't been until we added them both on Facebook that we began to be more involved with them and their lives, and vice versa. My mom and step-dad sent us a check with a note to spend it on something fun for ourselves. Well, most of us know what happens with checks. It gets deposited in the bank and bills get paid. I tried to explain to her that we need things from our wish list...and that there were plenty of GC's on there to choose from...but alas, we got a check...which went towards our power bill, I believe. :) Hey...it was used for a good cause, at least.

It's funny, really, but ever since I met my step-dad he'd started giving me a Starbucks gift card every xmas. Then last year he forgot and I mentioned it to him over Thanksgiving while we were visiting. He said he could have swore he'd sent me one last year and that he'd be sure to remember this year. What he doesn't realize is that THAT is the ONE thing that I look forward to every year. Not money, not anything else. The one thing that I have found the most enjoyment in was the Starbucks card that he used to send. What can I say? I'm a SB girl! So I was pretty excited for this year's card...I thought for sure that he'd send me one. But he didn't. I know that I should never expect something like that...it makes me seem rather frivolous and greedy...but I couldn't help (and still can't) but feel let down and despondent about not receiving one. When one doesn't even receive a gift of any sort from her husband, there are very few things that one can look forward to....that was mine.

Add to all of that the fact that I'm married to scrooge, whom doesn't appreciate even decorating or carols...and it makes for a very sad and very depressing time of year. I'm very happy to see the end in sight so that we can get on with our lives....and hopefully this year will bring more cheer than this last one.

We attended an xmas eve Christian service with our friends, Richard and Holly, and had a fun time. We went over to their house afterward and had pizza and eggnog and rum. The company was fun, the atmosphere was certainly more pleasant than at our house, and for once, I felt a bit of the spirit of the holiday. It was good.

Being home with my mom and step-dad, it reminds me of how much I don't want to be like my mom.  At least personality-wise.  She can be pretty fake, at times.  She likes to give and take.  It's difficult, sometimes, to live with it....but it is who and what she is.  I don't know her any other way.

When she was dating my step-dad, she went on hikes with him in the mountains, took long walks, did a lot of outdoor activities with him.  Once they got married, she developed a less than desirable dislike for the very things that she did while dating him.  I wonder if she knows that that can be cause for legal annulment...misrepresenting yourself.  I know that she's got problems with her feet...but she's had those problems for years and years.  She had them while dating him.  She just didn't complain, and she always participated in their dates wholeheartedly.

Something silly that still goes on, is that she got a new SUV a few years ago.  She put a downpayment on it, approximately half of the price, and now he is making two payments per month on it until it's paid off.  Unfortunately, although he's paying half of the car's total, she rarely allows him to drive it.  He mentioned once that it's like asking your controling parent to borrow the car and getting the run around.

In spite of all of that, my step-dad seems to genuinely love her, and for that, I'm glad.  She needs someone in her life to complain to, laugh with, and experience the twilight years of her life with.  I just know that I hope I don't get like that with my husband.  Here's to the future!

I've caught a cold somewhere. It's had me dragging for the past couple of days, and I still am not up to par. I've been living with Vicks on my upper lip to clear my sinuses. My head is all achy and stuff from being all stuffy. It's a bummer...but I'm glad it's happening this weekend instead of next weekend over Thanksgiving.

But...in spite of feeling like complete shit...I've still been exercising every day! Still doing my 60 minutes on the treadmill, 6 days per week. I was telling my husband the other day that it's habit now...my day doesn't feel complete until I have exercised. And I love the feeling of those endorphins zipping through my body during and right after I get on the treadmill....it's like a natural high! I love the euphoria!

Exercise...it does a body good!

I've been maintaining just the bare bones of my blog lately, and I feel rather guilty because of it.  I'm sorry, dear blog, for neglecting you.  I realize that you need to keep up with my life, too.

That being said....finals are coming up, which pretty much means I'll be absent as I have been for at least another few weeks!  Sorry, dear blog, but I can't help it!

Branching off....I'm doing really well in my classes!  Pretty sure I've got an A in math, and know that I've got one in English.  I also just signed up for Spring classes, math, writing fiction, and digital photography.  I'm really excited for them.