Oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

I think I am starting to understand the true meaning behind those lyrics.  Bad luck?  Fate?  Life in general.  It is messed up.  No really, it is.  I have my good days and my bad days.  My good and bad years.  And the relentless, never-ending life of bad luck and always being THAT girl...in THAT situation.

Yes...I'm THAT girl in THIS situation.  I'm FAT.  That does not define me....unless I allow it.  And I allow it often.  I'm a happy person, overall.  But when I'm picked over for someone smaller, thinner and prettier than me...I can be a real bitch.  And annoyed.  And frustrated.  Sad.  There are all these emotions rolling around in me.  They go away for a while...but then they come back...rolling in like thunder chasing the wind.  It's life.  It's the way of it.  Can I ever get away from it?  Will I ever have all of my dreams fulfilled?  And more importantly when I die...can I say it was not in vain?  That falling in love with my husband...my best friend...my soul mate...was the greatest achievement of my life?  (He is!)  I don't want to die without impacting someone...without leaving a legacy of some kind behind.  I want people to say my name and think, wow, she was so cool.

I'm rambling.  I don't have a whole lot of clear things to write right now so you get my rambling, ramblingy, ramblings.  Aren't you guys so lucky?? 

I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog entries (other than my biggest fan-my husband).

Speak up if you read my blog!  Leave a comment.  I'll love ya for it!

Sometimes I get into a funk and ask myself..."why did I have to be fat?"  As with most families there are chunkier members than others but it's mostly the older ones...with age and all that.  I have a few fatties in my external fam...and I suppose that is where I get it from.  Some random fat gene handed down.

Why me, Fat Gene????  Why me????

...makes you want to be dead!  Or at least close to it!

Have you ever wondered why you have the self assurance that you do?  I mean...really, truly wondered?  I've discovered that everyone, to one degree or another, is a product of what others tell them that they are.

Would I believe I was the most amazing about beautiful person on Earth had I grown up being told that?  Possibly.  But would I believe it?  Now I'm rambling...and I'm not even drinking!  Nor have I taken sleeping pills yet!

While I was laying down and drifting off in my nap time yesterday I had two ideas to write about for the blog.  I wrote about one...and the other has escaped me.  As much as I've tried to remember...it's gone.  I knew I should have jotted it down on my iPhone...but I honestly didn't think I'd forget.  Serves me right for assuming that one!