Ya know...last night I was laying next to my husband in bed...he was
sound asleep...and I thought to myself..."I'm happy."  We're poor...but
money isn't everything.  We've been in better places monetarily in our
marriage but my little family is healthy and not starving.  We have a
roof over our heads.  And we have each other.  I am happy.

Lately I've been so up and down in my emotions and moods that often I don't know how I'm going to be feeling from one day to the next.  I'm glad that I'm taking antidepressants because I'm not sure how much worse off I'd be if I weren't.  And I've often told myself..."maybe life would just be easier if I weren't alive in it."  But last night I realized that I'm ok.  I'm going to be ok.  I'm going back to school and making a better life for myself.  I'm still searching for work (the vet position didn't work out) and we're poor as poor can be.  But as I held onto Kurt's hand last night in the dark I realized that I don't want to die.  I don't want my husband's heart to break like that.  I don't want my family's hearts to break.  And most of all...I want to see how my life turns out!

I haven't felt like writing.  There, I said it.  I keep having these moments in my life and I say to myself "wow, I need to blog about this"...but I don't..because I don't feel like writing.  It's like my mind's frozen up, or something.

Well, the semester's grades came out and I did superbly well in all of my classes...even poli-sci!  A's in both college prep. and rock history and an A- in poli-sci!  Can you say WOOHOO!!!

Another bonus is that I've found a job.  Not the greatest but it resulted in one of those letters that I sent out a couple of months ago to all the local vets and doggy day cares, etc.  Surprisingly it is our vet that we go to that called and offered me a position of Kennel worker.  I can't remember the official title.  Basically I'll be walking the dogs, cleaning the kennels, and keeping the office neat and clean.  Hopefully I'll be able to see the vet techs that work there in action and get a better idea of just what they do!  There are more hours than I was hoping for...just short of 30...but the pay is much better than I'd hoped for so I guess that's ok.  We'll see how it goes when school starts again on the 25th of January and see if I can manage my higher workload classes with my job hours.

The upside to the new job is that it's a very physical one.  I'm on my feet almost the entire time...who am I kidding...I AM on my feet the entire time.  I feel pounds just aching to come off with that kind of activity!  Yay!  I've worked a full day already and will be returning after the holidays for my regular Friday thru Monday hours on the 8th of January.

The holidays have came and went with little fanfare.  DH and I were unable to afford gifts for ourselves or others this year so we didn't expect much in return.  We were surprised by a visit from santa's elves on xmas day, though.  (AKA Richard and Holly)  They came bearing some fun gifts...one of which was supposed to get DH out of his grumpy, scrooge demeanor.  It did for a few minutes anyway.

Richard and Holly are very old and dear friends of Kurt's from the town he graduated HS in.  I guess Richard was the first friend he made when they first moved there.  Whatever the story...bless them...they were so sweet and gave us two GC's to Macaroni Grill (or Chili's which we don't care for).  They were both a very high amount and gave me a good cry when they left.  These two people have given us at least one date night, if not two.  We haven't had one of those in so very long.  It was a very self-less act that they have performed and I'm positive that they will receive multiple gifts from heaven for it.  We're so grateful to have them both in our lives....and thank you to Facebook for helping to bring them that much more closer to us!

A couple of months ago I weighed a LOT...and I still do.  I've been listening to a weight loss, self-hypnosis CD every night in hopes that it'll rub off...and I'm looking forward to the exercise that I will get from working.  Here's hoping, cuz I'm tired of getting out of breath from climbing into bed, or walking into a store, or not being able to make it up a flight of stairs without pausing for a moment.  The life of a fat person is not fun...and it's not healthy.  I need to get on the ball.

So this totally awesome job came up on Craigs List for an adoption counselor at the humane society about a week and a half ago.  So, of course I sent in my email.  I mean, it's totally perfect for me.  It was listed for part time hours and with animals.  I'm studying to be a vet. tech. so PERFECT for me!

So I sent in an email and didn't hear anything back.  So Friday afternoon I sent an email to them asking if they'd received my resume and cover letter and the following day I was asked to come in this morning for an interview.  I was stoked!  So today's interview went really well.  Tomorrow I'll be going in at 10:30-7pm to do a shadow shift where I'll hang out with another adoption counselor to see what the basic day to day is like, etc.  I'm really excited.  I really hope this works out for me because it's just perfect.  The only drawback is the pay.  It's minimum wage.  I've never have a minimum wage job in 20 years.  LOL.  But it's more than I'm bringing in now which is absolutely NOTHING.

The good thing about it all is that animals don't care if you're fat or thin.  They just want to be loved.  And I definitely have plenty of that.  And I'd get to work with the public in a special time of their life...adopting an animal to become part of their family!  How freakin' cool is that????

I'll keep you updated!

I threw out my back a week or so ago.  It's the first time I've done that before and it's a real pain in the ass.  Or back.  Whichever.  I guess I'm lucky that it hasn't happened before now what with all the weight I'm carrying around.  I went to the doctor yesterday and he loaded me up with meds.  I wish there were some other way to deal with it than that.  I've never been keen on taking a crapload of medication for one thing or another.

Anyhoo...Kurt said I have to learn to not stress so much.  That I can only do all that I can do and nothing more.  With that being said...I'm trying not to worry so much about the job front.  Although it'd sure be nice to have a few extra bucks to hit happy hour on the weekends.  We might go Sunday night, though.  We had a little extra money come in from my last work check from before I moved so that's nice.

As I sit here at work on my final day here I'm torn between various feelings of excitement, trepidation and sadness.  It reminds me that life is not without closing doors and opening windows, so to speak.  Often they're not of our own accord and sometimes they are.  I'm going into this situation with my eyes and mental state open to a new life ahead of me. 

I will miss the people that I have met and created friendships here over the past year and a half but I look forward to forging new friendships with new people back home...and for getting on with my life with my husband.  As a family again.  It's time.  We've both grown so much from this time apart.  A fragile marriage has been rebuilt with even stronger ties and for that alone I am grateful for the last couple of years.

I never imagined myself moving back home for a recuperation period in my life.  In fact, I always said I'd never return here to live again.  That shows me to never say never!  I'm grateful for my mom (as annoying as she can be) and my step-dad for taking me in when I most needed change in my life...and for allowing me to stay for as long as I have in order to grow.  I still want to kill my mom sometimes but the distance will definitely help with that!  I will miss my step-dad the most.  He's been very supportive of what I've been trying to achieve with my life.

I do look towards the future with a little fear in that I will need to start job hunting yet again.  And for us fatties it's a difficult task, indeed.  There is so much discrimination in the business world when it comes to that kind of thing.  But I have a few ideas as to how to approach the situation and hopefully one of them will yield positive results.

To my co-workers that I am leaving...thank you for accepting me.  There are others who were better at it than some but I was enveloped with a sense of security which was what I needed at the time.  My life was chaotic and I found peace at work.  A lot of people don't like working there...I truly enjoyed getting up each weekday at 4am to go in...my friends are there.  And I'm thankful for Facebook in that I can have the chance to keep in touch with them.

So...with my days coming to an end here in my hometown I say goodbye to my past...and welcome to the future.

So today was the first day back to work after my extended weekend.  And I handed in my notice of resignation.  When I came here I never dreamed in a million that I'd be here this long.  I wasn't supposed to be.  It was to be a break from my "life" such as it was back then.  A few weeks at the most.  Maybe find a job through the holidays and that was it.  And then I began working for the company that I do.  I liked it.  Brainless, monotonous....entertaining and fun.  I loved interacting with the people and with my co-workers.  And so it was with great fear and trepidation that I turned in my letter today to my boss.  I almost started crying.  I will miss it there.  In my cubicle on the 2nd floor.  I will miss the people that I work with and the familiar.  I won't miss the discrimination and gossip-mongering.

I am afraid that I am committing job suicide by quitting but this has been needing to happen for some time.  I can only hope that I am able to find work quickly once I return back home.  It has me excited...and very, very scared.  I don't like being out of work...and I don't like the thought of being out of work in these hard times.  I must press on!

I just watched a movie trailer about a woman whose life changes drastically because she makes a decision that cost her just 10 minutes of her life.  One was where she caught the subway and the other was where she missed it and had to wait 10 minutes for the next one.  The one where she catches it...she gets home and catches her man in bed with another woman.  In the other...she gets home, the woman is gone, and she's none the wiser.  Which would I rather be, I wonder. 

As someone who often asks herself if her life would be any different had I chosen to not marry when I was 21 but instead stayed in school and gotten a degree, followed by a good job, etc. etc.  Where would I be now?  I used to be very religious back then.  Over the years, some of which were when I was married to my ex-husband, I discovered that religion was not the answer for me.  Would I have a grand job?  Still live in the same state that I lived in back then or would I have moved around and had the worldly experiences that I've had in a different manner?  Was it my destiny to live my major life experiences or would they never have happened had I made any other decision back then?  Would I be a different person or would I be the same?  I'd like to think I'd be the same person.  That I am defined by the sum of my experiences to quote an old cliche.

I like who I am.  I don't want to be anyone else.