There are a lot of drawbacks to being awake every night at 2am.

But there are positive things, too.

For instance, I was just sitting here at the computer with the door to the front open next to me, when I heard rain softly falling outside.  Rain wasn't/isn't on the forecast, and yet, here it is, softly falling.  If I were asleep, I'd have missed this beautiful experience.  So, I asked the dogs if they wanted to go outside with me, (of course!), and we all went outside and danced in the rain...twirling and laughing and having a good time.  OK, I twirled and laughed in the rain; they just stood on the porch under the roof and stared at me like I was insane!  It started to rain even harder, and the more it rained the more fun I had!

The point I'm making here, and yes, there's a point, no matter how vague, is that you should never be afraid to dance in the rain at 2am!  I don't think I've had that much fun in a very long time.  We're talking childhood.  I haven't danced in the rain, laughing and singing with my face lifted to the sky and my arms outstretched since I was a child.  And that, my friends, is a very sad fact.

Why do we throw away our fanciful charms that we had as children, when we grow up?

I'll tell you one thing...the next time I'm up at this hour, and it's raining, and it's summertime...I'm going out to dance in it!  AGAIN!

I've been fat all of my life.  ALL of my life.

I remember huffing and puffing across the field during the last day of school festivities.

I remember passing my peers in the hallways and hearing, "you're fat," beginning a long tape of negative self esteem.

I remember picture day and how I was never able to wear cute outfits for pictures because everything was too small.

I remember school shopping at JC Penny or Sears for clothes that were larger sizes, because they were the only ones who sold them big enough.

I remember getting a cool new shirt with flappy arms and geometric shapes and a really cool wide belt that was to be worn low on the hips and off center and hearing people talk about how fat it made me look.  And the belt never sat low on my hips because my hips held it up.

I remember never being asked out to dances.  Nobody wanted to dance with the fat girl.

I remember I hated clothes shopping.  Hated it.  With a passion.

I remember hating to go to the Diet Center every morning to get on their scales and see how poorly I did.

I remember shopping for swimsuits through the Sears catalog because nobody ever had my size.

I remember the doctor never addressed my obesity, instead telling me to eat better.

I remember when I first started starving myself to lose weight and how hungry I got.

I remember being followed around the halls of my high school by two bullies who made my life miserable by chasing me out to my car while making rude comments and noises.

I remember never feeling completely safe or comfortable in school.

I remember never looking up while walking the halls in high school, trying not to bring attention to myself, and knowing whenever I heard laughter or whispers that it was about me, and I was horrified and turned bright red.

I remember my best friends ditching me once we entered junior high school, because I no longer fit the cool image.  I was so confused.

I remember being such a good friend to people, giving everything and getting nothing in return.  I remember when I stopped giving, the friendships died because I wasn't needed, anymore.

I remember how that totally messed up my mind and heart.

I remember crying so hard, with a broken heart, wondering, "when, WHEN will it be MY turn to be in love??"

I remember wondering asking god, back when I believed in a god, why I was put on earth when nobody wanted me here to begin with.

I remember hating gym class, and eventually getting a doctor's note to be excused from it, because I was afraid of taking showers with other girls.  I knew they'd laugh and rumors would fly about just how fat and hideous I truly was.

I remember that I was never really happy in my youth.  And that is such a shame.

I remember finally realizing that I don't need to be skinny to be happy.

I remember realizing that I don't need to be perfect to be pretty.

I remember realizing that only I could make myself happy.

"Though the people that caused my anxiety over the years probably don't remember what they have said or did, I can never forget."

Inspired by this article.

Can you imagine...being in a relationship where you question daily whether or not your partner is attracted to you?

Can you imagine...looking at your best friend and wondering if they feel the same about you?

Can you imagine...being ashamed of saying anything out loud because it might make it that much more real?

Can you imagine...looking in the mirror every day and thinking to yourself, "this is as good as it's going to get."

Can you imagine...living with 200 pounds more on your frame than a human body was ever meant to carry?

Can you imagine...a father who disappears from his child's life for years on end?

Can you imagine...waking up each morning, sore, stiff, and wondering if today is the day that you're going to die?

Can you imagine...having the knowlege that you have never turned your partner on sexually?

Can you imagine...putting on a happy face every day, whether you feel like it or not, and pretending to like who you are?

Can you imagine...being in a sexless marriage because your partner just doesn't want to be bothered?

Can you imagine...being in love with an idea that will never come to fruition?

Can you imagine...seeing people around you in far worse shape and being so caught up in yourself that you don't see them?

Can you imagine....losing a child, either real or critter, and having the pain be so unbearable that you don't think you can move on?

Can you imagine...seeing a world through rose colored glasses, and then realizing that what you thought was real was so very, very wrong?

Can you imagine...being alone in a world where nobody knows you and you have no one to turn to?

Can you imagine...having your heart break on a daily basis because you're unable to have children?

Can you imagine...wondering if life is truly worth living when there's so much stacked against you?

Can you imagine...a mother who is more self-centered than she is caring?

Can you imagine...believing that you'll never be who you want to be?

Can you imagine...not dreaming anymore and just giving up?

Can you imagine?  I don't have to.  Do you?

I'm proud of myself.  Last night, around 1am, I was bored and restless.  I was watching a show on the computer and...well...bored.  You know how it is.  I wasn't hungry...but I felt like I should eat something.  So, I headed into the kitchen towards the junk food.  I stopped dead in my tracks and did an about face and headed to the fridge and pulled out some grapes.  High in sugar, so not the greatest for just before bedtime, but MUCH better than junk food.

Can I hear a hip-hip hooray, for me???  Don't worry, I've already heard it a few times in my head!

John Steinbeck said that, "We should remember our dying and try to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world."

Again, in the book that I'm reading, Bliss To You, it says that I can find my purpose in life by asking myself "what I enjoy most." Figuring that out should be easy, right? You'd think so. And part of it is I love animals; I love children; I enjoying being around people and meeting new ones; Just because I enjoy the latter, doesn't mean that I am going to go into sales, though. Also, because I enjoy the 2nd, doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be a parent (as we've covered in previous posts). And, yes, I am working on the first by going back to school. But are all of those what I want to be remembered for?

I know that I DON'T want to be remembered for being poor. I don't want to remembered for being sad all the time...or wishing for what isn't and what can't be. But just because I do something well doesn't mean that it's my life's purpose. Maybe my purpose is to die in order for someone innocent to live. Perhaps, it's to simply give food to someone who needs it; maybe help someone up, who has fallen down. Maybe it's to rescue abused animals and find them good, loving homes.

Whatever it is, I don't know what it is, yet. Or, maybe, I do...and I just haven't figured it out, yet.