Monday, January 25, 2010

So I was thinking the other day about how lucky I am to actually have a "home" to return to.  So many people, my husband included, moved around so much during their childhood that they don't have a particular place that they call home...I'm lucky in that respect.

When I talk about "home" in any fashion...going, back, yada yada...I immediately have one place in mind.  The house where I grew up.  Well, technically I was two years old when we moved there but it's close enough!  My mom and step-dad still live there.  When I was living there for a year and a half not long ago my mom came very close to selling it to purchase a house that would be easier for her/them to navigate as they grew older.  But they realized that it would be cheaper to just upgrade the house now as opposed to sell it as a loss and buy something else with a whole new mortgage.  And so...while it's had numerous face lifts since I was last there it is the same house, the same neighborhood where I grew up.  The same front and back yards.  I love to lay in the grass in the backyard and close my eyes and remember how it was when I was younger.  I let my mind wander to the numerous pets that are buried under the bushes and back to all of the birthday party scavenger hunts we had.  The easter eggs we found.  The mud pies we made before the grass was ever laid.  The tents, the picnics, the summer fun and the winter snow forts.  So many memories in one small 1/4 acre of land.

I remember the long summers as a kid playing kick the can in the cul-de-sac up the street with all the neighborhood kids until we couldn't see through the black night anymore.  I remember playing in the irrigation ditches and orchards across the street and picking wild asparagus.  I remember the cows and horses.  I remember so much.  And I feel so bad for those who don't have the same kinds of memories that I do.  Who can't join facebook and find all the people that they grew up with.  Because, really, some of those memories of mine that revolve around home...are the best ones in my life.  And I'm so glad to have glad to have somewhere to retreat to in my mind when I need to think of a happy place.

I'm so glad that I can always go home...and know where home is.

I am so bad at actually eating more than one meal.  It's going to be something I work at along with getting in enough water.

4 Wendy's Jr. Bacon cheeseburgers (I know, I know)
1 Venti Cafe vanilla frappaccino

2 cups of cooked white rice with gravy

So far...not enough water to even equal a bottle and no treadmill.

The beginning

So here I am...a new year, another start.  I've been here so many times that I can't even begin to count the number anymore.  It's sad, in a way...but one day, hopefully, I will make my goal. 

A few posts ago I posted the latest and greatest in ideal weight calculators and mine said that I should be looking to reach at least 180.  I can do that!  It's realistic...and I'd be happy there!  I'm serious!  I don't WANT to be all skinny minnie...I  just want to be able to walk to class without being out of breath...shoot...even change my clothes without being out of breath!'s that bad.  I'm not exaggerating!

And so....I'm going to start taking accountability with my blogging.  I won't be weighing in every day but every other week.  I will also list what I eat that day as well as how long I walked on my treadmill.  I'm going to set my goals in 10 pound increments.  Some days that will be all that I post.  Others you'll get multiple entries like today.  It's basically whatever happens that day.

So here goes....first, the pics.  Yes, I'm outside without a coat and yes that's snow falling.  And was cold!  Haha.

Starting Weight: 310
Goal Weight: 300
End Goal Weight: 180

Today was the first day back to school after winter break.  New semester, new classes. 

Now, as a fat girl there are two things that I was concerned with with the new semester.  The first being parking.  Although I had it perfected with last semester I was worried about the new building and new time.  I know, I know...I worry about the oddest things...but seriously, this was one of the main things that I was concerned about.  Being uber fat makes walking long distances hard.  My lungs get all worked up, I turn all red in the face, huffing and puffing...wait, am I talking about the distance between my lounge chair and bed or between the parking lot and classes.  Both!  So I worried about this.  I worried for naught.

The second thing that only a fat person of my stature has to worry about is squeezing into those small desks.  I had two classes last semester that I had to do that with.  It was rough.  I always felt like I was squeezing into jeans that are two sizes too small...tugging, pushing, get the idea.  So when I reached my math class and saw that it was tables I was elated!  One class down!  And the class and instructor isn't so bad, either! 

After math is English...and when I peeked through the window on the door to THAT classroom I was not so jubilant as the desks were desks...and not tables.  *Insert frowny face here*  When I went in I saw the little table on wheels with the comfy chair and headed towards it.  They're always in the front row anyway and so it was perfect!  (I'm a front row kind of gal.)  So I didn't need to worry about wedging myself into a small spot yet again.  Woohoo!

After all was said and done I really believe that I will have a positive experience with these two classes.  Tomorrow I have diversity and we'll see how that one goes.  It's on the ground floor so it shouldn't be too much of an issue...and the parking lot is one that I'm familiar with.  Go me!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

When I was a child

All my days were filled with endless wonder

When I was a child

I would lie on the dew-covered grass and search the vast evening skies for falling stars

When I was a child

My friends and I would venture deep into the woods and tell tales of the grim reaper

who with sickle in hand icily searched for his next victim

we weren’t afraid, he came only for the old, not us

When I was a child

I would look to my mother’s arms for warmth and my father’s eyes for approval

When I was a child

I wondered when will I be grown
Now I’m an adult

and I wonder can I ever be a child again
(Thanks to my niece, Ashleigh, for allowing me to use a photo of her!)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I'm happy

Ya know...last night I was laying next to my husband in bed...he was
sound asleep...and I thought to myself..."I'm happy."  We're poor...but
money isn't everything.  We've been in better places monetarily in our
marriage but my little family is healthy and not starving.  We have a
roof over our heads.  And we have each other.  I am happy.

Lately I've been so up and down in my emotions and moods that often I don't know how I'm going to be feeling from one day to the next.  I'm glad that I'm taking antidepressants because I'm not sure how much worse off I'd be if I weren't.  And I've often told myself..."maybe life would just be easier if I weren't alive in it."  But last night I realized that I'm ok.  I'm going to be ok.  I'm going back to school and making a better life for myself.  I'm still searching for work (the vet position didn't work out) and we're poor as poor can be.  But as I held onto Kurt's hand last night in the dark I realized that I don't want to die.  I don't want my husband's heart to break like that.  I don't want my family's hearts to break.  And most of all...I want to see how my life turns out!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

We've all seen them online.  We plug in our age, weight, height and it tells us what weight we're supposed to be.  According to 1979 or earlier standards.  That's right.  The formulas used in those are all from pre-1979.  I had no idea!  I was stumbling earlier today and found this great ideal weight calculator that is based more on today's realistic formulas.

Check it out here!