Wednesday, June 30, 2010

9 years ago

Nine years ago I married my best friend.  We've had a few rough patches and a couple REALLY rough patches...but, thankfully, we stuck them out and moved forward together.

Nowadays we're happy.  We're broke.  And we're still in love.

I look forward to many more anniversaries with you, Kurt.

 


Monday, June 28, 2010

Lazy summer days

I'm feelin' lazy and hot today...maybe because it's around 100 and, I believe, summer's officially here.  Or maybe it's just cuz I'm feelin' it.  Whatever it is...here's a lil something to make you smile!



Dear blog

Dieting sucks.

That's all.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I'm so awesome!

Everyone knows, by now, that I'm not happy with my overall health, in general.  I mean, that's why I'm trying to lose weight, right?

But, I thought I'd try something new....

What are the 10 things that I like MOST about me?

  1. My hair....it's long, it's gorgeous, it's down to my ass!  And ok, it's starting to get some grays along the hairline, but they're EARNED grays...so I'm ok with them being there.
  2. My smile.  My husband says it's the greatest thing he loves about me; I believe him!
  3. My youthful genetics.  OK, maybe some of it is also the fact that the fat in my face makes me not have wrinkles...but my mom's side looks young for their ages...so I'm gonna run with that part, too.  I haven't been carded lately...but when people learn my age they're usually pretty surprised.
  4. My sense of humor.  I have to have one to live with Kurt 24/7!  Seriously, though, I may not be a stand-up comedienne, but I can certainly hold my own.
  5. My love for animals.  Seriously...I'm one of those people who hate stepping on ants cuz I worry that their family is waiting at home for them to bring home the bacon!  I'm THAT bad!
  6. My acceptance of others, regardless of race, religion (ok, maybe the mormons are on my shit list, still, but there's a reason for that!), beliefs, sexual orientation, or creed.  Let's face it, we're all different.  It's what makes the world, and humankind in particular, so darn fun and exciting to learn about!
  7. Being short.  OK, there I said it.  I love it!  It makes me different.  How many people can say that they're under 5 feet???  I know a couple....but I know hecka lot more who are over it!
  8. I love that I'm good on computers.  Not at putting them together, heck no.  I'll leave that to the bigger dorks than me.  But I can generally find an issue that's in an OS and fix it...or find the answer quick!
  9. I love to talk...about me.  About stuff I'm passionate about.  I may not know all the idiosyncrasies about a topic...but if I'm passionate about it then I will learn.  I will do a lot of research and I will find out!  And then I will discuss it with anyone who is willing!
  10. My writing.  I know that this blog reads more like a journal than anything else...but it's out there for anyone to read.  And a lot of people do.  I like the idea of that.  I like that I rarely spell stuff wrong and that others ask me how to spell stuff.  And I love that I can write about things that make me happy, or sad, or angry....and know that I'll feel better after I do.
So there you have it.  My list of 10.  I'd love to read your top 10.  Please share.  Just be honest and have fun!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

My sweet boy...my lil green chicken...my sweetheart.  My lil guy.  The one to whom a good part of my heart belongs.  He's being mean.  To me!  Usually it's towards Kurt...I mean, he really doesn't like my husband.  But lately he's being mean to me.  And it hurts my feelings.  Don't roll your eyes!  This lil guy is my pal.  We've been through a lot together, he and I.  And when he lunges for me and wants to bite my face off...it hurts.  :(  I can't even pick him up without him biting a chunk of flesh off of me somewhere.  I'm CERTAINLY not gonna let him up on my shoulder next to my face!!!  I've been bitten enough by him on my face, thank you VERY much!

Normally he gets moody like this during his molts.  Well, it's not molting season.  Something that I HAVE done, that I shouldn't, is let his flight feathers grow out.  It's not because I've turned into a PETA advocate...but mostly laziness.  It's a pain in the ass to put both birds into their travel cages and haul them down to the parrot store for wing and nail clips.  It is!  But normally, if you keep their flighters trimmed, they tend to not cop such an attitude.  I'm hoping, maybe, that that is what his issue is.  We're gonna take them to get done today.

But back to the original topic....Nemo's being mean to me.  I find myself getting my feelings really hurt when he does.  I know he loves me.  But it still hurts.  :(  Stupid, I know, letting a bird get to me the way he does.  But darnit...I love the little guy!



I feel...fishy

Kidding, kidding.  (Honest, B, I don't even taste it!)

Actually...surprisingly, the fish oil seems to be working for me.  And I feel my moods beginning to level out...I don't feel as many mood swings in me as there were.  But maybe I'm not really the one to be asking.  Haha.  I should be asking my husband...but he's sleeping...shhhh!

I weighed today and the scale didn't go up or down.  It stayed the same.  Sigh.  Probably the leftover pizza I had yesterday.  I'm still getting in 3L of water each day...and still peeing like a racehorse!  (Don't look appalled!  You KNOW what I'm talking about!)  I'm trying not to feel TOO bummed about it...after all, I've lost quite a few pounds this past week...I should be happy.  But I'm still a little bummed.  It almost makes me wanna whip out those laxatives and take a few.  Almost.  I'm not crazy!  Those things are expensive!  I can't afford that!  Haha.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Almost there!

That's all.  Just wanted to say it.  Just 1.5 more pounds to go!

Oh!  We ordered pizza last night...and I only had 2 pieces.  This is a huge deal for me, people!  I LOVE PIZZA!!!  Haha!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Acceptance

Recently on Facebook I've been messaged a few times from various people to let me know that they're following my blog and that they find themselves in the same boat as me.  Either short, fat, or both!  Hey...cool!

You know, it took me years to realize that I was never going to be a size 4.  Oh boy, did I ever want to be, once, but now...now, I'm happy to be me.  I'm losing weight so that I'm healthy...so that I can live a longer life, and possibly rectify the infertility issues before I'm 40.  But I will never be 100 pounds.  Hell, I don't even want to be 120 pounds!  My goal is 150...I've been less than that, once, but I'll be happy there.  Healthier, no doubt.  But I want to keep my curves.  I feel....sexy, with curves.  :)

But once upon a time I wasn't that way.  I wanted to be thin.  Thin was in.  Thin was what made you popular in high school.  Thin gets you jobs, dates, etc.  Thin gets you into clothes that you'd never wear otherwise.  Thin is just more acceptable by society.

Fuck society.  Accept who you are.  Love yourself.

The whole student loan thing....I think it's under control.  After attempting a few times to fill out the stuff online and having their site have a major meltdown in the middle...I think I'm all finished with it now.  I still haven't received word that I've got the amount that I asked for...but at least all the paperwork is done, now.  Well, the proverbial paperwork.  It's all online these days....even better.  No papers to shuffle and lose, ya know what I mean?

So anyhoo...next month is when they'll be doing the increases on the loans and so I should know then.  Dunno WHEN next month...but next month sometime.

I'm supposed to meet a friend at Starbucks in a few minutes to have a coffee and chitchat.  It'll be nice to have someone other than my husband, or the bartenders, speak adult to me!  :D  (No offense to any of you guys, but hey....a girl's got to have some variety in her life!)




The scale said 302.5 today!  The 200's are so close I can smell them!  I've been thinking of doing a cleanse tomorrow...even if my husband is home.  They never go so well when he's home cuz he eats the stuff I can't have.  At least when he's working I only have to deal with it at night.  But, regardless, I believe I will cleanse tomorrow.  That should put me over the mark.  Yay!!!  Then I'll need to set another short term goal for myself.  But, I'm not going to think about that until then.  Still concentrating on the goal I have set now.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

PCOS

How many of you ladies out there have PCOS?  Are any of you taking any meds for it, at the moment?  I've had it for many years, now, but I'm not taking anything...and was wondering if I asked my dr. for the necessary hormones if it helps clear up the skin problems?  I'm getting SO tired of having zits!  I feel like I'm a kid again...and it wasn't until something I read recently suggesting that progesterone helps curb that, that I thought...well no wonder!

So....let me know your experience!

Thanks!



And I'd lost 1.5 pounds!  Yay!  I'm seeing 300 getting closer and closer.  It's not far off now.  Just a few more pounds and I'll be there!  Come ON...let's get ON with it!

I actually cheated a bit yesterday.  I had a pint of ice cream...ice cream is my weakness.  If anyone has any suggestions as to how to manage THAT one, I'd be much appreciative!  Then last night around 1am I had a little debbie.  It doesn't really matter which one (mostly cuz I can't remember the names of them) but I did it.  It makes me wonder if my weight loss would have been better today had I not had those two items.  I'm not going to dwell on it, though.  I also drank a ton of water, yesterday.  And I'm not dumb...I know that the big weight loss in the beginning is water...but still, it sure looks good on the scale.  And it's nice to see it go down instead of up, for once!

I'm not sure if Summer's here, or not.  The temps have actually been nice...too nice for this time of year.  We're talkin' low 80's as highs and upper 50's for lows.  Can you say NICE!  I'm sure it won't last.  Summer is just late in getting here...which had BETTER mean it'll be late leaving...but you know how trampy mother nature is...she'll probably release winter early...like snow in September, or something.  Bleah!

Anyhoo...I was listening to my summertime playlist (which is da bomb!) that I ONLY bring out for summer play, and thought I'd share a song with you guys.



Monday, June 21, 2010

Her name was Timber Lynn.  Timber, because my sister wanted something odd.  Lynn...for me.

She was one of the two that my sister lost to the state and then adopted out many years ago...and I think about her often.  I can only hope that one day both her and her brother will find me.  I want them to know that they were (and are) always loved.

I don't have many pics of her because she was a baby when I got married and moved away.  The pics from my first wedding were lost...long story.

So here she is...such a sweetheart.

Wherever you are, Timber Lynn...I love you and miss you.



Yummm...tasty!

OK, so maybe not this particular "shake" but this morning's was!

I'm back on the Isagenix after being off for about a month due to...well, you guys all know.

I'm starting over, too.  Mostly cuz I'm off of my meds now...and the fact that I've been off for a month.  It's a good time to just anew.

Ya know...I'd be happy to just lose 10 pounds and get below 300, right now!  I don't like being over the big 3.

Anyhoo...I'm drinking my afternoon "shake" and I've added my daily veggies to it...so it tastes kinda...well, green.  For lack of a better word.  It's not disgusting...but it's not yummy to the tummy, either.  Haha.

Anyway, just updating.  I also updated the ticker at the top...after all this time I'm only starting a pound heavier than the last time that I'd weighed.  Not too bad.  I feel a lot heavier...I feel bloated.  Bleah.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I tried

You know...I finally got a hold of my dad a few minutes ago.  I think I'd have been better off had I not.  He really needs to quit with his whole attitude because I'm the only family he's got that's on his side.

He answered and I expressed my surprise and shock that he did.  He proceeded to tell me that he never answers his phone nor looks at it because nobody ever calls him.  So I tell him, if nobody ever calls maybe when it DOES ring he should look at it because it's probably important!  Then I proceeded to say that I'd been trying to contact him via email for the past several weeks, as well.  He tells me that he didn't get them.  When pressed he claims it didn't say my name.  He has the same Mac that I do...and I put myself in his address book...if he gets an email from me it says my name.  He claimed it didn't and therefore he deleted it.  Sigh.

I started to say that I was planning a trip out there to see him but he interrupted me and said he knew why I was calling, to wish him a happy fathers day, there I'd say it and don't need to now and it's over with.

I asked him why the attitude and he claimed he didn't have one.  Sigh.

I told him that we were wanting to go over the hill to see him again in a few weeks and he said that we can stop in and say hello and leave if we want but he wasn't going to go out to eat with us again because he needs to lose weight.  Uh yeah....if we go out to eat he never needed to order the huge ass steak and potatoes and shit.  I've always ordered salads!

Needless to say the phone call ended 4 minutes after it began...with my blood pressure sky high (still is!) and me pissed off at him.  I'm trying to reach out to him...but if he doesn't want it then fuck him.

  I have two dads.  The first one being the one that I've known all of my life.  My bio dad.  He disappeared from my life for 14 years.  He finally resurfaced again a couple of years ago.  His reasons were vague but they're all I have.  Shortly after reconnecting he "disappeared" again for a few months.  Having already thought he was dead at one point, I didn't really think much about it.  After getting in touch with him yet again, I found out that he'd been in the hospital for a couple of months.  Now, the last I heard from him was April 3.  The day after my birthday.  He replied back to an email where I asked if he'd be interested in seeing his granddaughter when she came to visit me and my husband.  He said he would be.  And I haven't heard from him since.  I've been trying to contact him for a few weeks now.  To no avail.  I've tried to call him on both his home and cell number today...to wish him a happy father's day.  No answer.

  My other dad is Randy.  Randy's awesome.  I've known Randy for about 6 years.  Just before he and my mom got married.  I'd have to say that Randy has been there more for me emotionally than my bio dad ever has.  I'm so lucky that he's in my mom's (and therefore MY) life.  He's offered to help my husband and I in many ways.  He's very giving.  He gains pleasure through helping others.  He's not jealous.  He's supportive.  He's just....Randy! 

So...to my two dads...happy father's day.  I wouldn't be who I am today without either of you.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

So, since I've been off of my anti-depressants, I've realized just how much I really need them to help me with my moods.  I am such a bitch when I'm not on them!  But I want to give Isagenix a chance to work, because it's supposed to help with all of that, so I looked up natural ways to deal with depression and was rather surprised to see that fish oil was shown to help with depression.  There are actually a lot of websites that cover it...it's not just one of those fly by night, sort of deals.  Apparently it works.  Not with everyone, of course.  Not every medication works for every person.  I think I'll give it a shot and see how it works!

Kurt and I recently had some money trouble.  No, not anything where either of us is going to end up buried in a cement slab at a construction site, but still...trouble for us.  When you're living paycheck to paycheck, there's just never any extra wiggle room for those unexpected expenses that always seem to crop up from time to time.  Especially in between school loans (like now) when money is super tight.

Kurt's car registration is normally due in April.  But, for whatever reason, we didn't get the reminder card in the mail, and it completely slipped out minds.  Jump ahead a couple months; I ask Kurt if he remembered to register his car since I didn't remember him taking it to get smogged this year.  He thought he remembered...but wasn't sure.  (Being old does that.)  When we got home and pulled up behind his car we saw that, sure enough, it hadn't been renewed.  So, we had to get it renewed during the next paycheck...which was, consequently, when mine was due, also.  So, not only did we have ONE out-of-the-norm expense, but we had two.  It put us in the negative in our checking account, and now we're racking up fees, as well.

We have no backup plan.  We have no outside resources.

Kurt's folks are very old and have been on social security for years.  They spent all of their savings on their house in Tucson and can barely afford the medications that my MIL is taking for her osteoporosis.  He's working a part time job at Walmart as a greeter for minimum wage.

My parents, well, my mom and step dad, are more well off.  Not rich, by any means, but living comfortably.  My mom's recently retired and my step-dad's working full time for the US Postal service, where he's worked for a really, really long time.  Needless to say, they're making more money than my in-laws...and definitely making more money than Kurt and I.  So, I called my mom for help.  A loan.  For 1½ months until my student loan comes in.  I've borrowed from her before and paid it back when I said I would, so she knows we're good for it.

Unfortunately, my mom isn't like most other moms.  I love her.  Don't get me wrong.  She's my mom, and I'd do anything for her.  But, I wish she'd say the same about me.  How to describe my mom....self-centered, self-righteous, jealous.  I didn't want to go to her to ask for money.  I had to about a year ago, and made myself sick after talking to her.  Literally.  She makes me feel like complete shit for asking for help.  She makes it about her.  And she doesn't want just MY thanks, she wants Kurt to thank her, too.  I tell her that we're married, we speak for each other...  In her mind, it doesn't work that way.  Why can't she just help us without the build-up, without the hype.  Why can't she understand and realize that it's embarrassing for me, as an adult, and my husband, as the provider of our family, to ask for help?  She doesn't even want to see things from that perspective, because all I'm doing, in her mind, is putting her out.

She's agreed to loan us the money.  And we're both truly grateful for that.  But whenever she acts this way it seems to drive an even bigger wedge between her and I.  It makes me just not want to be around her...or have anything to do with her.  And it makes me sick to my stomach that I had to ask for her help.

Trust me when I say this....it will never happen again.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Car problems.

Need I say more?

OK, I will.

Car problems that includes the "service engine soon" light...and car's up for registration (eg inspection) by the end of next month.

No money to fix whatever it's issue is if it's huge.

Maybe I'll spend my remaining 20 bucks in the bank for a cheap hit man to put me out of my misery.

Remember back when you were young and chubby and so darn self-conscious about the whole deal, that when someone called you fat it was mortifying and distressing and hurtful?  What happens now?  Does it matter who's saying it?  Does it matter if it's a man or woman?  Child or adult?  Teenager?

I'd love your input.



I've come to terms with it.  I call myself fat...why on earth can't others?  I mean, all one has to do is look at me and know it's a fact.  It's not as though I can argue the point!  It doesn't hurt, anymore.  And if it's a child, it's all the better because I can help them see that even if I AM fat, I'm still an awesome person.  I love kids...they're so refreshingly honest and moldable.

So tell me how you used to react and if it's changed at all.  I wanna know!



Back on track

Alright....now that this whole month is behind me, I can concentrate, once again, on my life as it stands today.

I'm fully off of my antidepressant medication.  I'm not sure that that is a good thing because it was also controlling my anxiety, and goodness knows that I tend to worry about everything...which, in turn, doesn't work well with my high blood pressure!  Isagenix is supposed to help with all of that...so beginning on Monday I'm starting over again.  Before, I hadn't realized that my meds were counter-working with the Isagenix and preventing me from losing weight.  I'd never given it much thought before about the side effects of Celexa and how it can make one gain weight.  NOT what I wanted whilst trying to LOSE weight.

So, of course, over the course of about 1½ months I weaned myself off of my anti-d's and would like to say that I feel all the better for it...but there was definitely a reason I was taking them.  The anxiety is bad now.  And my mood is not good.  It's like I'm looking on as someone else takes control of my voice and I've turned into a bitch!  Seriously.  I'm not a fun person to be around, anymore, and I don't like it.  I don't like who I've become.

Some say that when they're taking antidepressants they feel as though they don't have control over their emotions.  I had more control over mine.  Now, it's as though they're running rampant through me and I can't stop it no matter how hard I'm trying.

But...as I mentioned before, Isagenix is supposed to help with that sort of thing.  So I'm going to give it some time to work.  I just wish I'd have picked a better time to do it.  No job, now maybe no student loan for school in the fall, old hospital bills that I can't afford to pay...it's all one thing after another.  Some days I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.  And then comes the suicide thoughts.  They're not as bad as they once were...back when my marriage was at a rocky point...but they're there.  I tell myself that I'm to blame for not bringing in any money so maybe if I remove myself from the equation....

Now, I'm not saying the above to get a rash of people telling me that that isn't the way to go, etc.  I know that.  I don't want to die.  But I DO want to go to school and have enough money to do so!  I want to better my life by getting a job in an area that I love.  I can't do that at this point in my life.  But geez...just a part time job of 20  hours or less at minimum wage....you'd think I'd be able to find something.  But noooo....it's quite frustrating.

Monday begins the Isagenix regimen again.  After a month of mediocrity and half-assed attempts at trying to stick to it while dealing with a cross country trip to Oklahoma and back and then having my niece and mum visit here in Reno.  It's time to get back on track.  I'm prefacing it all by getting back on track with my water intake.  I've been doing meh to okay when it comes to water...but I want to get back to drinking at least 4 Litres each day.  They say you're supposed to drink half of your weight in cups of water.  So if you weight 120, theoretically you should be drinking 60 6-oz cups of water each day.  So I have a LOT of water to drink!  Haha.

The rest of my summer is going to be humdrum.  No real plans.  My excitement has already  happened and that's good when it comes to changing my eating habits.  It'll also make me stick to my exercise regime and not allow me reasons for excuses.  I know that exercise releases endorphins, which make me happy...so that'll probably help with the anti-depressant/anxiety issue, as well.

I suck at goodbyes.  Especially when it's someone I love.  A lot.  Someone like my niece.

My posts this past week, as they have this entire past month, have been sporadic because my niece and mum have been visiting.

Maybe it's because I know what is in store for my niece.  No matter what steps I take to attempt to rectify her current situation with my sister...she still has to go back at some point.  And I knew that when I kissed and hugged her goodbye yesterday that it might just be the last time that I do so.  Not because I'm afraid that something will happen to her physically...but I'm afraid that whatever steps I DO take will be met with retaliation from my sister by not allowing me to ever see my niece again.  Or until she's older and makes up her own mind.  But I'm afraid that the mindset she'd be under then will not be one of positive feelings and memories.  Or possibly the latter but she just won't care.

So...when I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a gargantuan squeeze yesterday afternoon I started to cry because I knew it might be my last.  My last time to hug her, the last time to kiss her, the last time I hear her tell me she loves me in person.  (Ah hell...now I'm teary-eyed again!)

Those of you who know me closely know that I've lost a lot in the way of children in my life.  Fertility issues, nieces and nephews, etc.  So when I said goodbye to my niece it brought back a whole slew of emotions while I wondered what she has in store for her in life.  Whatever it is, it can't be good.  I will do what I can.  And then I must let go and let life take control.

Be well, sweet niece, of mine.  I love you.  And I will see you soon.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Remember me

I just finished watching a movie called Remember Me.  It was dark, arty, and not too bad, actually.  But the end really had me going.  The very end.  When you realize what the whole movie has been building up toward.  That "oh shit" moment, when you realize exactly what is going to happen.

I'm still sitting here pondering the movie.  Still wondering why, how, when, what....

Watch it.  Don't give up on it if it seems too dark or slow.  Trust me on this.  Netflix has it.  Or you can, like me, download it.

We've all heard the cliché that time heals all wounds, right?  I used to believe that, but now I'm not so sure, anymore.  Of course, this is referring to my niece again...I can't help thinking of her right now at this very vulnerable time in her life.  I know that the direction she points herself all depends on her and what's inside...but with the environment that she's surrounded with on a daily basis, the odds are certainly not in her favor that she's going to grow up to be a successful, vibrant young woman.  They just aren't.  And that's the way it is.  Unless she's taken out of that environment and placed into a loving, supporting one.

It is times like this that I wish my life was in a very different place than it is right now.  Most others my age are settled into a life...they are where they want to be.  School has been over, most have a home, a kid or two, yada yada.  When you write the list down I do have many of those things...but there are so many others that I don't have.  And if I DID...I'd be able to provide a safe haven for my niece in these trying times of her life.  Oh who am I kidding...most of her life is trying and very few moments are good.

Is it fair that she's growing up in all of that?  Is it fair that she walks in cat shit on the floor every day?  Smells cat urine every day?  Is surrounded by 30 cats every day?  Has to deal with a drunken mother every day?  It's NOT fair.  But it's the hand she's been dealt.  I knew that fact as soon as my sister told me she was pregnant years ago!  And that's why I never wanted to become involved.  My sister will not ever let me or my mom see my niece again if she finds out that we do something to send the authorities sniffing around, again.  Do we risk that?  For what will, quite possibly, fail anyway?  For what will, most LIKELY, fail?

But then I have to stop myself....because those thoughts are selfish.  Those thoughts are thinking of me.  That's being concerned with what I want and not my niece's best wishes.  Of course, it's good for her to have the reprieve, as well.  Visits from grandma and grandpa, summers with them, phone calls with me.  It's good for her to have that support system to help her when times get so rough.  Right now she can't do anything...but in a few, short years, she will be able to.  But in a few, short years she may not care anymore.

Time...it's an enemy in this case.  My niece is a pawn in a game that my sister started years and years ago.

This is proof, to me, that a god does not exist.  If one did, my niece would never be in such a situation.  Nor would any other child.

I'd like to think karma will get my sister, one day.  But then I think, what can it possibly do to her that it hasn't already?  She wouldn't care.  Nor would she even understand the comeuppance. 

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Last year when I started school I went to their loan "workshop" (more like meeting) to learn about the ins and outs of loans and financial aid and what I need to do and how much I can take out a loan for.  At the time I chose to go through Fannie Mae.

A few weeks ago, before I left for Oklahoma, I received an email letting me know that I was denied any FAFSA help because of our income (based on me working half of 2009) and only awarded $3500 for a loan for this upcoming school year.  That won't even get me through one semester, let alone two!

So I ask them how I can apply for a larger loan and they tell me that since they're moving over to a new system they're cutting Fannie Mae out of the game and doing it directly...and I can only get what they award me for a loan.  I was shocked.  Last year I was told that once I do all the initial paperwork I'd be able to take out a loan for up to 10k per school year, if needed....which increases when I move up from Freshman status to Sophomore, etc.  Now they're telling me I can't take out a loan anymore for any more than what they grant me.

I think fate has it out for me.  I mean, seriously.  I am not working.  TMCC says that my "family help" will be almost $13,000.  What family???  Where is all of this money supposedly coming from when we are barely squeezing by and living paycheck to paycheck?  So I filled out the paperwork for a loan increase and will have the answer by the end of next month.  They also said that I can file for an income review but that I can't do that until October, forcing me to miss Fall semester.

I just can't seem to catch a break.  No job, no job prospects, Kurt's income cutback, AND the stupid hospital denied by request for charity financial help AGAIN by saying that I make too much money!!!  WHERE the FUCK is the money that all these people are thinking that I have???  I mean REALLY!!!  If someone can find it I'd sure enjoy having it so that I can stop stressing myself sick over not having enough money in the bank to cover either utilities or food for the month...but not both in the same month!

I'm so tired of my life being in the shit.  I'm attempting to improve things by going back to school so that I can eventually move ahead in life.  But fate (and TMCC) seems to not want me to succeed.

What can I do???

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Last night I was sitting on the bed in the room where I'm sleeping while here at my mom's place when my niece came in.  She sat down next to me and we started talking about random things.  Out of the blue she asked me if I knew why she didn't have her dog anymore.  (They'd had a dog until a few months ago.)  I told her that I knew that something had happened and that her mom felt the need to get rid of it.  I didn't want to go into details with her.  I guess that was me being naive when it comes to my niece.  She proceeded to tell me the most horrific story of what happened when they lost the dog.

My niece was feeding the dog chicken bones with a little meat on them still and when the dog took one of them it got her finger, as well.  Purely accidental.  My niece's finger needed a band-aid because it did draw blood but it wasn't due to any sort of vicious attack.  I cannot stress that enough.  Everything was fine for the next several hours...back to whatever normal is in that house.  Then later, after Ashleigh had went to bed because she had school in the morning, around 1am, my sister came in and woke her up and made her go outside to watch as my sister shot the dog with a pellet gun.  Repeatedly.  Over and over.  Once in the head, once in the chest, once in the side, etc.  Ashleigh said it was trying so hard to get away and my sister just held it down and kept shooting it.  My niece was crying and begging her mom to stop but my sister, being drunk and "oh so right", insisted that the dog needed to be put down because it bit my niece.

The following morning my niece couldn't wake up in time to make the bus because she was exhausted and traumatized from the previous night's events and got yelled at for it.  And a few hours later, around 11am, when my niece went out to feed the animals she discovered that the dog was slowly bleeding to death...and it was still alive.  My sister forbade her from going near the dog.  Finally, many hours later when her dad came home he went out and shot it in the head with a shot gun and put it out of it's misery.

This is my sister for you.  And this is my sweet niece.  My sister will never change.  And my niece now has this memory burned into her mind for forever.  This is something that no child should ever have to experience.  It is bad enough when a pet dies from human error, or old age....but to be put to death for the reason I named above....in front of a child, no less...it's abhorring, it's so wrong, and it makes me want to take a shot gun to my sister.

I've tried for so many years to distance myself from what I knew was going on with my niece and sister because of what's happened in the past.  But after my niece told me this...I absolutely know for a fact that she needs out of that environment.  NOW!

There is something wrong with my sister.  She's just not mentally sane.  There's some short circuits somewhere and they scare me.  SHE scares me.  And I'm an adult.  And her sister!  My niece has had to deal with this for years! 

It also seems as though Ashleigh knows a lot about sex, sex toys, men's genitalia, playboy, and knows absolutely NOTHING about maturation, puberty, menstruation, or boobies.  I talked to her a little bit about the latter and she told us the former last night.  I want to kill my sister.  Some people just don't deserve to live on this earth...especially if they have children.  My niece can still be saved from a life that follows in the footsteps of her mother.  But changes need to come NOW.  Not later.  Now!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I have a new found respect for my 9 year old niece, Ashleigh. My sister is just a very unhappy person in general and I'd almost even dare say that she's bipolar. Her moods are so night and day, hot and cold and we just never know what she's going to be like from one moment to the next - what will trigger her moods.

We started this week visit out by diving right in and painting her living room and hallway and ended it with doing a complete 180 on Ashleigh's room. When we began it was bare wood flooring, cat shit and piss on the floors, it STUNK, it had cobwebs, it had bugs I'd never seen before, and it was just a terrible room for a little girl to go to gain sanctuary from the world...and trust me, she needs such a place. BADLY.

Someone mentioned recently that a call to child services is in order. And after this week and seeing how Lisa handles things around here and how filthy it is and how far away from any sort of emergency services it is I would have to agree. I believe once we get back to Utah we should make a phone call to the local CS and let them know what's going on. Ashleigh will be away from it for a month...but maybe, and I'm not even going to allow myself to hope, she won't have to come back here to this hell hole.

This has been a huge eye opener for me. This entire experience. Seeing just exactly what my niece is going through on a daily basis is unbelievable. I thought I had it bad as a kid with a perfectionist for a mother...but my niece has it 100 times worse. I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away.

My niece just came back in here after my sister just yelled at her for not cleaning up cat shit that was on the floor or for getting the load of laundry out of the dryer (there was no load, by the way). She was sad...very sad. I asked her what was wrong and she almost started to cry. She said (with no prompting from me, I might add) that she didn't think it was fair that her mom hasn't gotten up from the couch all day and is making her clean it up. (This is not a little girl exaggerating, this is fact.) She proceeded to unload all of her feelings whilst sitting at the foot of the bed about how her mom is always yelling at her and telling her to do things and how her mom never gets up from the couch and never cooks, or lets her see her friends, or plays arts and crafts with her, or doesn't really do much of anything with her other than watch TV. She told me that unless my sister was drinking she was mean and yelling at her all the time. (While I've been here this past week my sister has consumed about 4 30-packs of beer. In one week!) My heart is breaking for my sweet, sweet niece who is entirely too young to be going through this sort of crap and has grown up far beyond her sweet years, way too fast. I asked her to come sit up next to me and I put my arm around her and she leaned into me and just started to cry. Of course that undid ME. And then not 5 seconds went by before my sister yells out "ASHLEIGH GET IN HERE!" and it all started again.

I am biased, yes. I will admit it. But if I was seeing first hand this kind of thing happening with ANY child I would be concerned and report it. I must do the same with my niece. I simply can't let my sister get away with this sort of behavior. And, for the record, my sister does not have a good track record with her kids. She lost custody of her first baby and never saw him again until he was 19. She completely lost custody of her 2nd and 3rd kids to the state and they were adopted by another family, altogether. And now, Ashleigh.

My sister was reported once before by a teacher who reported that Lisa threw a spoon at Ashleigh and clipped her cheek. Ashleigh was living in foster care for a month, but after taking the required parenting classes and fooling everyone who mattered...she was able to get my niece back. But that's just it...my sister can put on a huge front. She'd be great in Hollywood because she sure can deliver her lines. And she fools everyone. I learned early on in my teens not to trust her and I never will. She's never a person of her word and that's just the sad fact.

My niece deserves to be in a home with loving parents (or caregivers) who will respect her and love her and show her that in many ways. My niece tells me that her mom never tells her that she loves her. Who DOES that???? She never gives her hugs or kisses unless my niece comes to her for them, never compliments her. She just yells at her from the couch while the TV is running and she's got all her cats surrounding her. She loves the damn cats more than she does my niece! Another sad fact. And, since I know my sister, it's really true. *Sigh*

I've went all these years telling myself that I just couldn't get involved in this. That was the reason that I didn't want to visit my sister here in Oklahoma/Arkansas before now. I knew if I did that I'd need to do something about it. My sister would go ballistic if she finds out that I/we will be reporting her to the authorities and so we will need to do so very carefully. If she knows that it is us and gets my niece back, we will never see my niece again.

Dammit, my niece needs someone to stand up for her and be her voice because she's too young to do it herself! I will be that voice for her. I will help this sweet child find her footing again in life so that she can be the child she needs to be...and not the adult she's had to be.