Alright....now that this whole month is behind me, I can concentrate, once again, on my life as it stands today.

I'm fully off of my antidepressant medication.  I'm not sure that that is a good thing because it was also controlling my anxiety, and goodness knows that I tend to worry about everything...which, in turn, doesn't work well with my high blood pressure!  Isagenix is supposed to help with all of that...so beginning on Monday I'm starting over again.  Before, I hadn't realized that my meds were counter-working with the Isagenix and preventing me from losing weight.  I'd never given it much thought before about the side effects of Celexa and how it can make one gain weight.  NOT what I wanted whilst trying to LOSE weight.

So, of course, over the course of about 1½ months I weaned myself off of my anti-d's and would like to say that I feel all the better for it...but there was definitely a reason I was taking them.  The anxiety is bad now.  And my mood is not good.  It's like I'm looking on as someone else takes control of my voice and I've turned into a bitch!  Seriously.  I'm not a fun person to be around, anymore, and I don't like it.  I don't like who I've become.

Some say that when they're taking antidepressants they feel as though they don't have control over their emotions.  I had more control over mine.  Now, it's as though they're running rampant through me and I can't stop it no matter how hard I'm trying.

But...as I mentioned before, Isagenix is supposed to help with that sort of thing.  So I'm going to give it some time to work.  I just wish I'd have picked a better time to do it.  No job, now maybe no student loan for school in the fall, old hospital bills that I can't afford to pay...it's all one thing after another.  Some days I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.  And then comes the suicide thoughts.  They're not as bad as they once were...back when my marriage was at a rocky point...but they're there.  I tell myself that I'm to blame for not bringing in any money so maybe if I remove myself from the equation....

Now, I'm not saying the above to get a rash of people telling me that that isn't the way to go, etc.  I know that.  I don't want to die.  But I DO want to go to school and have enough money to do so!  I want to better my life by getting a job in an area that I love.  I can't do that at this point in my life.  But geez...just a part time job of 20  hours or less at minimum wage....you'd think I'd be able to find something.  But noooo....it's quite frustrating.

Monday begins the Isagenix regimen again.  After a month of mediocrity and half-assed attempts at trying to stick to it while dealing with a cross country trip to Oklahoma and back and then having my niece and mum visit here in Reno.  It's time to get back on track.  I'm prefacing it all by getting back on track with my water intake.  I've been doing meh to okay when it comes to water...but I want to get back to drinking at least 4 Litres each day.  They say you're supposed to drink half of your weight in cups of water.  So if you weight 120, theoretically you should be drinking 60 6-oz cups of water each day.  So I have a LOT of water to drink!  Haha.

The rest of my summer is going to be humdrum.  No real plans.  My excitement has already  happened and that's good when it comes to changing my eating habits.  It'll also make me stick to my exercise regime and not allow me reasons for excuses.  I know that exercise releases endorphins, which make me happy...so that'll probably help with the anti-depressant/anxiety issue, as well.