Monday, December 28, 2009

I haven't felt like writing.  There, I said it.  I keep having these moments in my life and I say to myself "wow, I need to blog about this"...but I don't..because I don't feel like writing.  It's like my mind's frozen up, or something.

Well, the semester's grades came out and I did superbly well in all of my classes...even poli-sci!  A's in both college prep. and rock history and an A- in poli-sci!  Can you say WOOHOO!!!

Another bonus is that I've found a job.  Not the greatest but it resulted in one of those letters that I sent out a couple of months ago to all the local vets and doggy day cares, etc.  Surprisingly it is our vet that we go to that called and offered me a position of Kennel worker.  I can't remember the official title.  Basically I'll be walking the dogs, cleaning the kennels, and keeping the office neat and clean.  Hopefully I'll be able to see the vet techs that work there in action and get a better idea of just what they do!  There are more hours than I was hoping for...just short of 30...but the pay is much better than I'd hoped for so I guess that's ok.  We'll see how it goes when school starts again on the 25th of January and see if I can manage my higher workload classes with my job hours.

The upside to the new job is that it's a very physical one.  I'm on my feet almost the entire time...who am I kidding...I AM on my feet the entire time.  I feel pounds just aching to come off with that kind of activity!  Yay!  I've worked a full day already and will be returning after the holidays for my regular Friday thru Monday hours on the 8th of January.

The holidays have came and went with little fanfare.  DH and I were unable to afford gifts for ourselves or others this year so we didn't expect much in return.  We were surprised by a visit from santa's elves on xmas day, though.  (AKA Richard and Holly)  They came bearing some fun gifts...one of which was supposed to get DH out of his grumpy, scrooge demeanor.  It did for a few minutes anyway.

Richard and Holly are very old and dear friends of Kurt's from the town he graduated HS in.  I guess Richard was the first friend he made when they first moved there.  Whatever the story...bless them...they were so sweet and gave us two GC's to Macaroni Grill (or Chili's which we don't care for).  They were both a very high amount and gave me a good cry when they left.  These two people have given us at least one date night, if not two.  We haven't had one of those in so very long.  It was a very self-less act that they have performed and I'm positive that they will receive multiple gifts from heaven for it.  We're so grateful to have them both in our lives....and thank you to Facebook for helping to bring them that much more closer to us!

A couple of months ago I weighed a LOT...and I still do.  I've been listening to a weight loss, self-hypnosis CD every night in hopes that it'll rub off...and I'm looking forward to the exercise that I will get from working.  Here's hoping, cuz I'm tired of getting out of breath from climbing into bed, or walking into a store, or not being able to make it up a flight of stairs without pausing for a moment.  The life of a fat person is not fun...and it's not healthy.  I need to get on the ball.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I am down to two more classes in my EPY and Poli-Sci classes and officially none in my music class.  This is a bittersweet time in my life...my first semester back to school is over.  I'm relieved to not have to deal with politics anymore!  At least not pulling it apart and studying it.

Still not working.  I've contested the unemployment decision.  We'll see how that turns out.  I never thought in a million years that it'd take me this long to find something.  But it's still worth it.  I have to just keep telling myself that.  It's better to be back home with my husband again.

Farmville.



I knew there was a reason I didn't cave in for oh-so long.  It's a
hopelessly addicting online game on Facebook for those of you who don't
know.  I might even go so far as to call it evil.  Bleah.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Please, for the love of all that's good in the world...if you're fat at least have some respect for your appearance!!!

Let me explain.

Tuesday I was leaving my EPY class and walked around the corner where I was bombarded with white, billowy flesh falling out of too small of clothes.  This girl was sitting in this chair in incredibly too small of clothes and there was skin everywhere.  Her hair was greasy and unkempt and she smelled that horrendous smell of an unwashed fat person (we all know that smell).  WHY did she choose to be that way???  I've always been incredibly paranoid about my appearance...just because a person is fat doesn't mean that they have to fit the stereotype!  No wonder fatties have a bad rap!

So please...if you're fat you can still take pride in your appearance.  You can still dress in your CORRECT size.  In fact, PLEASE DO!!!  Dressing in smaller sizes only makes the fat rolls more distinct and as in this particular issue...visible to those who do not want to see it!

And for crying out loud...take a shower and use soap!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Sometimes I have so much to say that I can't say it at all.  School's going great.  That's not the problem I'm having these days.  It's more STILL my lack of income.  I just tried applying for unemployment and I'm not eligible.  I've been finding myself more and more stressed out these days as winter rears its ugly head.  Winter means $300/month power bills.  Winter means that try as we might we can't survive on Kurt's income alone anymore.  Winter means that I'm still angry at my mom for telling me to go into the ER because she'd help me pay for it and then reneged on her promise.  Winter means the holidays.  Winter means buying gifts for people with money that I don't have...or looking like a schmuck.  I don't mind being a schmuck...but this will be like the third year that I've looked like one.  Winter means not seeing my niece when she and my sister visit Utah over xmas because I don't have the money to go see them.

Winter means the end of my first semester back in college.  Winter means looking forward to Spring semester starting and new classes to enjoy.  Winter means new photos to take and explore with my camera.  Winter is winter.  It's simply a season.  It's my emotions and thoughts that can make it into either a good thing or a bad thing.

As of now...I choose to make it into a good thing.  Now...if I can just talk my inner critic into believing the same thing.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

After months of procrastination and fear of rejection I have finally put the letters to the vets/doggy daycares/pet stores in the mail.  It took my EPY class for me to figure out why I've been putting off printing them out and mailing them.  I've been fearing the rejection that I was certain was going to happen.  But I can't think like that anymore.  Now I KNOW that one of the letters will find SOMEONE who needs help in their animal business.  I can't afford for them not to.  I need work ASAP!  Before winter hits bigtime and skyrockets our power bill through the roof.

Pray, chant, sent vibes....or just send good thoughts.  I can use them all right now!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Of course I've always known that there were people out there like this...but I'd never actually ENCOUNTERED any of them first hand.  OK, that's not true...my exhusband is a major racist and homophobe...and I really hated that about him.  I mean, how embarrassing is THAT to live with???  Helloooo...EX-husband.  Anyway...I digress...

Today in my EPY class we talked about the GLBTQ community and how we can support them on campus.  Now, you're probably saying..."what's EPY?"  It's hard to explain, really.  Basically it's a college success class.  We use the book "On Course" but we also learn tolerance (ha!) and about the various things that the college offers us as students.  It's deeper than that but that's the most basic of definitions.  Anyhoo...back to today's class.  We had guest instructors today who announced that they were teaching the class.  They introduced themselves as gay and lesbian.  Immediately to my life is a woman who is around her mid-fifties, I want to say, and she immediately had a very cold feeling about her.  Normally she's a very happy woman with always something kind to say.  I didn't really think much of it because I'm not one to practice intolerance of anything but stupidity.  They began the class with a short little movie about a gay couple in a bar and how others reacted to them being there.  When it finished she had a massive scowl on her face and when I asked her if she was ok she said she was pissed.  I thought, great!  She's pissed at how this couple was treated in the bar.  No go.  She was pissed that we were covering this topic in class!  She was more than pissed.  She was livid!  They passed out blank pieces of paper to us and told us to write down any questions that we might have.  She passed hers on saying "I'm not doing this".  Then they passed out a paper with questions on it for our own viewing that basically gives you an idea of how tolerable or accepting you are.  She didn't even touch it...like it was poison or something.  They we began an activity where we all introduce ourselves and say that we're either lesbian or gay after our name.  It was just a role play but she up and left.  I understand that she may have been uncomfortable saying that she was a lesbian or whatever...but to honestly up and leave the class or behave the way she did was so uncool.  In this day and age...ESPECIALLY on college campuses you need to be tolerable of all kinds of people.  This woman is obviously not.  It irritated me to badly that after class I called my husband and vented to him about the small-mindedness of some people.  A true "sport" would have just said "hey, this is not my thing but I'll play along because it's only 1 hour and 15 minutes of my life".  It really angered me that she couldn't do that.  That she behaved as though she were in HS or even younger.  I had fun doing the role plays...and the rest of the class...even a few of the guys who were obviously uncomfortable...all played along and were great about it.  Why couldn't this one woman have been?

I know that not everyone has the same open mindedness that I do.  That more people should.  But it saddens me that she couldn't put aside her petty beliefs for one class.

*Sigh*

This ties in, also, to the civil rights chapter that we studied a few weeks ago in my poli-sci class.  There is nothing that makes my blood boil faster than people who get the short end of the stick...ESPECIALLY because of skin color.  OOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!  Don't get me going...I feel my blood pressure rising even now!  Seriously!

In the spirit of the 60's movement....make love not war.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Happiness

I was just sitting here waiting for it to be time to leave for my class when I realized that for the first time in a long time...I'm happy.  Not the happiest I've ever been nor the happiest I'll ever be...but I am content.  I am happy.  I have a wonderful husband whom I love dearly and who loves me in return.  I have a family who loves me and for the most part offers support in my decisions.  I have a crew of critters that totally rock and help me with my anxiety and stress in ways that they'll never understand and that only I will totally appreciate.

I am happy.  And that is nice.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Sonnett 33



Full many a glorious morning have I seen
Flatter the mountain-tops with sovereign eye,
Kissing with golden face the meadows green,
Gilding pale streams with heavenly alchemy;
Anon permit the basest clouds to ride
With ugly rack on his celestial face,
And from the forlorn world his visage hide,
Stealing unseen to west with this disgrace:
Even so my sun one early morn did shine
With all triumphant splendor on my brow;
But out, alack! he was but one hour mine;
The region cloud hath mask'd him from me now.
Yet him for this my love no whit disdaineth;
Suns of the world may stain when heaven's sun staineth.

-Sonnett 33
William Shakespeare

So I got my score back on my big poli-sci test the other day and surprisingly got a B on it.  He did say that the test scores will probably go up as he decides whether or not to grade on a curve and which questions he's going to throw out on account of a lot of people missing them.  So....I'm happy with a B!  I'm excited for the B!  I'm so glad it wasn't a C!  Yikes!  I have to maintain a GPA of 3.0 or higher to be eligible for financial aid so if I get an A in my two other classes I will come out ahead in my required GPA.  So here's to keeping my grades up!

I know I keep saying this but I am TOTALLY enjoying being back in school again.  Who knew???  Learning new things...interacting with others my own age or thereabouts...it's just FUN!  I highly suggest it to those of you who have been out of the loop for years like me to get back in the game...it's amazing at how much better you can do when you go into it with a positive attitude!

I've been having a lot of fun with my rock history class, too.  It's fun to say that I HAVE to listen to certain music for my studies.  And it's not bad stuff.  Not that I've really heard any music that's bad...just different.  But so far we're studying older stuff.  Blues, folk, gospel, soul...now we're at psychedelic rock.  Pretty nifty.  And the instructor is excited about his subject which makes it all that much better, as well.

My EPY class is fascinating as well.  It's teaching college techniques like study habits and positive thinking.  Last Thursday we were in the library learning about all of the cool stuff that is available to us as students not just in the library but online.  I was shocked and very impressed.  Sadly I wasn't able to find any information on my thesis for my poli-sci class...but I have a feeling I'll be able to use it a lot for my next classes.

As for the weight thing...well, nothing to really report there.  I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't been able to lose any more weight.  It's like I lost those 10 pounds once I moved back home and then nothing.  I know I should make time on the treadmill...but, ok, I admit that I hate getting all sweaty.  Bleah!  I'm just looking for excuses...I know.  I know.

Did you know that studies have shown that men become sexually aroused nearly every time they dream.


Friday, October 2, 2009

I'm pretty sure that I won't be alive to see what it's like fifty years from now.  But I wonder what kind of surprises it has in store for future generations.  I can't even begin to imagine.  I don't even really know if the country will still be the same as it is now...or if we'll have had another revolution to clean things up a bit and set things right.  Do you wonder?

What are some of the things you hope the future will bring to the generations following us?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Age happens

Watching my 9 year old retriever heave herself up to her feet to go outside and seeing her limping from stiff joints brings home the fact that she won't be with us a whole lot longer.  Her breed isn't known for long-term lives.  We tend to grow extremely attached to our pets and make them more family than some of our own human relatives.  And that's the way it should be.  It breaks my heart to know that someday she won't be with us anymore.

And then I start thinking about how time marches on whether we want it to or not.  Time.  Wow.  I swear it was just a few years ago that I was ten years old and entering fifth grade.  Where did it go???  And forget the fact that the years these days pass more and more fast.  Wasn't it just xmas a few months ago???  And here we are just a few months from it again!  Summers are shorter (at least it seems that way), winters are longer.  And life...continues to happen.

Going back to school was one of the greatest decisions that I could have made and I'm absolutely loving it and my classes.  I'm looking forward to having a career eventually instead just a job.  I'm looking forward to knowing that I'll be happy with my life.  I'm looking forward to having steady and good income...and vacations!  In this respect...I sure wish time would move faster...because I want to get on with living!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Remember back in the 70's when your mom would send you out to play with your friends on  Saturday all day and never see you until it got dark?  And even then you'd call home and beg to stay overnight at a friend's place?  Remember when there were no cell phones and instead when our mom's wanted us home for dinner she'd stand outside and call our name?  Remember when the norm was to play kick the can until dark with the neighborhood kids and everyone was friends and nobody judged anybody else?  Remember when there was no AIDS or worry about stranger danger?  Remember when phones had rotary dials and you had to wait for it to finish rotating back before dialing the next number?  Remember when our parents rarely visited our kindergarten class, if ever?  Remember when we began school each day with the pledge of allegiance?

Where are those days?  What happened?  WHY did what happened happen?  Did humans just evolve into evil?  Do we want to see others hurt that much?

How sad that our children today will never experience that which we did as children at their age.  How sad that kids today have to beware and alert for danger around every corner.  How sad that childhood innocence doesn't last nearly as long as it should.

Thank goodness.  I was really stressing that test!  I didn't do TOO bad on it.  Not great..but I don't think too bad, either.  I suppose we'll see when I get it back on Monday or Wednesday.  Cross your fingers!  I have to maintain a B average if I want to keep getting financial assistance so this is a must.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Learning rocks!

OK so when I first decided to go back to school I was skeptical somewhat on how I'd do.  Would I be the only older person in a sea of youth or would I fail all of my classes in spite of the fact that I studied very hard?  I had a lot of negative tapes running around in my mind...I still do sometimes.  They're not all gone.  For instance...I'm taking a political science class.  I totally love it.  I love learning about the constitution, federalism, the framers....but when I read the chapters I'm completely lost.  I have no idea what they're saying.  Which is disappointing because it's causing me to believe that I won't do well on the first test (next Wednesday).  I WANT to do well.  I study well and hard.  I'm doing very well in my other classes...more than very well...I'm totally rocking!  But I'm still a little scared about the poli-sci class.  I'll let you know how I do next week on the test when it happens.

Something that kind of bugs me about that particular class, as well, is that I swear everyone doesn't want anything to do with the fat chick.  They'll all pass a paper around for us to write on for role call but it will go all around me (literally) without actually being handed TO me.  I kind of made a comment the other day that I was too big to be invisible.  There were a few shocked stares but still...no paper.  I'm not sure how to read that.  Is it a big deal?  Should I just let it pass by?  I dunno.  I mean, I'd really like to get to know some of these people because they're smart...and I could do well to study with them a time or two.  Maybe I'll ask around today when I go to class.

I took another history of rock music test yesterday and totally aced it.  I knew every question and the bonus ones.  Can you say A++?!  Hahaha.  I really enjoy that class and enjoy studying for it.

Well that's it for now...I actually took a moment amidst my homework to type this out.  I best get back to studying.

Friday, September 11, 2009

In Remembrance

The day the world stood still....we will always remember...and we will always survive to see a new day.



Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day
Out in the yard with your wife and children

Working on some stage in LA

Did you stand there in shock at the site of

That black smoke rising against that blue sky

Did you shout out in anger

In fear for your neighbor

Or did you just sit down and cry


Did you weep for the childre

Who lost their dear loved ones

And pray for the ones who don't know

Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble

And sob for the ones left below


Did you burst out in pride

For the red white and blue

The heroes who died just doing what they do

Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer

And look at yourself to what really matters


I'm just a singer of simple songs

I'm not a real political man

I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you

The difference in Iraq and Iran

But I know Jesus and I talk to God

And I remember this from when I was young

Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us

And the greatest is love


Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day

Teaching a class full of innocent children

Driving down some cold interstate

Did you feel guilty cause you're a survivor

In a crowded room did you feel alone

Did you call up your mother and tell her you love her

Did you dust off that bible at home

Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened

Close your eyes and not go to sleep

Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages

Speak with some stranger on the street

Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow

Go out and buy you a gun

Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watching

And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some stranger

Stand in line and give your own blood

Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family

Thank God you had somebody to love


-Alan Jackson


Thursday, September 10, 2009

So I first posed the idea of mac salad to my husband a few weeks ago when we were buying groceries.  I told him I needed tuna to put in it...and frozen peas.  And onions.  And miracle whip.  Now...he was less than impressed with the tuna idea..."who puts tuna in mac salad?" he asked.

I DO!!!

And I do because MY mommy did.  I don't know where she got it from cuz she didn't have a mother...but she did have a grandmother...but not sure if it came from that direction or not.  Needless to say...I want to pass down this yummy tradition to my children so they can do the same with theirs.

And all of this leads to the passing down of things...be it recipes, jewelry, traditions...isn't it amazing how families do this?  And how comfortable it feels to have creature items around when you're feeling melancholy and blue?  My mom has given me jewelry that belonged to her grandmother and mother...I want to pass these on someday, too.  I want that opportunity.  I want to tell my children about the items...the recipes...and let them know where it started...who wore them...I hope I get that chance.

So why do we pass down traditions?  How does something silly and simple become a tradition?  When we first do it do we say "this is going to be a tradition?"  Rarely.  It just becomes one.  Because it IS silly...because it IS simple.  Because whatever IT is...it feels good to us.  Thank goodness for traditions...thank goodness for heirlooms. 

And thank goodness for Mac Salad!!!

Monday, September 7, 2009

I'm such a staunch advocate of adopting our pet family members.  Whether it's from a private party or an organization like the Humane Society or various other animal rescues.  We adopted both of our dogs and we haven't been happier with our choices. 



The above is Emily.  She's a flat-coated retriever.  We adopted her shortly after her first birthday from the local humane society.  We'd showed up there looking for a small to medium size dog and found her.  I still remember walking the aisles and seeing all those dogs with the sad eyes...and she was cowering in the corner looking so sad.  We both fell instantly in love with her.  We almost didn't get to adopt her, though, because when the HS called our landlady to see if we could bring her home with us she told them no and that she didn't want a dog that big at our home.  We were so sad.  We had to say goodbye to her...and it ws such a terrible feeling because we KNEW she was supposed to be a member of our family.  You see...she'd already had three homes before us.  She'd been abused and was very shy and skittish around people.  Nothing breaks our heart more than a dog with an abusive background.  But say goodbye we did.  When we got home we had a message from the HS saying that our landlady had called them back and said that it was ok.  Apparently she's a sucker for a homeless doggy, too!  It was already too late to return that same day so we had to wait overnight.  By the time we got there after work the next day we were so excited!  We've had Emily since late 2001 and our lives have been completely blessed by having her in our lives.



This is Peaches.  She's the newest edition to our family and I adopted her last December from a private party.  She was 11 months old and had already had a litter of pups.  Needless to say shortly after I brought her home I had her spayed.  I don't want to build the pet population when there are plenty of pets who already need homes.  She's a Chix (Chihuahua mix).  I adopted her when I was still living out of state and really needed a lap dog to help me get through my extreme depression.  She did the trick.  She's always so happy and bouncy and funny.  She makes me laugh so much.  We're so much better with her in our lives.

Adopt...don't buy.  Please!  You won't regret it!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

OK so you all know that insomnia is a major side effect of my anti-depressant medication that I'm taking...and sadly it's one that affects me in a major kind of way.  Bummer.  I've tried every prescription and over the counter meds that you can think of...including natural methods like melatonin and counting sheep.  (The sheep never work...they end up running off in my thoughts and I have to chase them down...how sleepy is THAT???)

So I've been basically up for trying anything.  Warm milk, warm tea, cold tea, milk with chocolate, standing on my head drinking warm milk...ok, so that last one I made up.  But it's always been quite bad.  I would go to bed and toss and turn for hours...literally.  3, 4 or 5 hours later I'd still be lying there awake.  This wasn't an occasional thing but EVERY night.  So if you're smart you'd notice that I'm speaking of this in the past tense...and that is because I've discovered something far better than the best prescription pill there is.  It's called Binaural Beats.  Google it.  Look it up or click on the link I just provided.  It's real and it works!  It's the ONLY thing that works for me.

So if you're interested in learning more...or possibly want to try it send me a message and I'll give you a link to download it.  I promise you won't regret it!  And no...I'm not getting paid by anyone to advertise...I just want people to know that after trying EVERYTHING to sleep...this is what works for me.  And others might be in the same boat.

I had no idea I'd suddenly become so busy once school started.  I'm only going 3/4 time but I feel like suddenly all my extra minutes are just...gone!  *Poof*  Who knew???  So because of that I've been remiss at blogging lately...and for that I am sorry. 

I've made it one of my number one goals to keep the entries up whenever I have a moment.  Of course that also means contending with my husband telling me that he doesn't want me on my computer whilst he is home.  Ahhh the married life.  I'm not sure where the boundaries lie.  Because now I feel as though I'm not supposed to study while he's home either...and I study on my computer.  Let's face it...when it comes to the Federalist Papers numbers 10 and 51 I need the computer to break it down for me.  The old school English language is beyond me.  Why do they have to be so long-winded about things?  Can't they just say outright what it is they're proposing without confusing the heck out of everyone?  Or did everyone speak like that back then?  And if so....they must have all been a smart bunch of people.  Granted we ARE talking about the founding fathers of America...and that they created only the greatest document in world history.  So maybe they WERE all smarty pants...it doesn't mean that I am!  At least not in the same sense!  A smart ASS maybe...but not a smarty PANTS!

That all being said I will add that I love learning this stuff.  If I can find the time to learn when DH isn't home, that is.  Or maybe I can study but not surf?  Again...that line is very gray...maybe I'll just have to discuss with him more about it.  So anyway...my third class doesn't start until September 15 so I'm basically just doing the two classes at the moment.  My political science class and my history of rock music.  The former I'm loving because suddenly the things that I could have cared less about when I was 16 are quite interesting...and then there's the fact that I went back East a couple of years ago and actually saw where a lot of the stuff I'm studying took place.  I mean how cool is that???

And then the rock music history class.  There are a lot of people in there who are there for an easy A...and they said so.  How sad for them...because I'm really loving the class.  We're studying old school blues and jazz and ragtime right now...and we'll be moving along to the Elvis era here shortly.  I'm really having fun with it.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Irena Sendler


Irena Sendler









There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena. During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an 'ulterior motive' .. She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being German.) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids..) She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.. During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.



In 2007 Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize ... She was not selected.



Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.  





63 years later

















It is now more  than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe  ended. This is in memory of the  six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10  million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests  who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned,  starved and humiliated with the German and Russian Peoples looking the other  way!



Now, more than ever, with Iraq , Iran , and others, claiming the  Holocaust to  be 'a myth,' it's imperative to make sure the  world never forgets, because there are others who would like to do it again.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

First week down

So my classes for the week are finished.  I had a lot of fun...and I believe I will do well in them.  My Political Science class is a little scary but I just need to pay attention.  I've never been one to delve into politics but this is a good place to start!

My other class...History of Rock Music seems as though it will be fun, too.  It's very, very long...almost 3 hours.  But it's only once a week.  So that makes it nice.

I'm still jobless...and still looking.  Tomorrow I have a list of things I need to get done...and Friday I'm hoping to start putting some things together for a yard sale.  We have so much crap in our tiny place that we just can't move around much at ALL!  And since we'd really like to invite my dad here for a visit we'd like to get things cleaned up...as much as we can without a vacuum cleaner, that is.  Ugh.

The days are still hot but the nights are getting cooler...signifying an end to summer's festivities and the beginning of autumn.  The chatter and shrieks from the children across the street at the Elementary school reach my ears in the mornings and I have to smile.  This is home...and it's great to be back. 

It's funny...a good friend of mine moved here to Reno a couple of years after I did and she always hated it.  Me...well, I love Reno.  I love the busy, big city feel and the small town way of life.  Take away the casinos and it'd be Anytown, USA.  But the sound of the train horn blowing at 1am downtown still makes me remember the hot nights I used to spend drunk with my friends stumbling around town to different clubs...dancing into the wee hours.  This is a fun town...and I'm so glad myself and my husband call it home.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A new addiction

I know I haven't written in a few days.  Shame on me!  Shame, shame, shame!  I've been actually prepping for school and getting in the final paperwork, etc.  So I'm taking 9 credits which equals out to 3 classes (3/4 time).  One class is a college prep class that teaches you how to take notes, etc.  Funny, though...it starts 3 weeks after the start of school.  But on Monday and Tuesday I'll be attending night classes.  On Monday and Wednesday it will be Nevada history and the constitution and later the college prep class.  Then on Tuesday evenings for almost 3 hours...my humanities class, the history of rock music.  I'm stoked for that one.

But my new addiction is a web site called bidz.com.  Very fun...and lots of things.  You should try it!

I haven't been getting any exercise yet.  The back room is so dang hot lately cuz of the high temps in the 100's so I don't even like going back there to let the dogs in the backyard (the front yard works fine plus on Wednesdays and Saturdays I have the sprinkler on and they like to play in it.)  So I haven't been walking on the treadmill but I do walk more than I did in Utah.  It's quite a ways to get from the parking lot to Kurt's work and we also took a walk a few blocks up to 7-11 the other night.  I love walking at night.  The crickets chirping and cool air and dark night make for a romantic ambiance.  And I do love my husband!

I do have to admit that I'm getting tired of sweating after walking 10 steps, though.  Or being majorly out of breath after walking up a flight of stairs.  It has me worried...and it has Kurt worried, too.  And I hate sitting in my recliner chair and feeling the sweat gathering under my chin in my neck fold.  *Sigh*

The "kids" are great and are happy as ever....I don't think they ever aren't.  Well much.

So I've been reading this book lately called "Such a Pretty Fat" by Jen Lancaster.  She writes fat fiction/non-fiction.  More like biographies.  Anyway...VERY funny.  Some of you may have read her book "Bitter is the New Black".  There are times that I start reading at night after Kurt's already asleep and start laughing so hard that I have a hard time laughing quietly and have to put the book down.  I highly recommend it.

We both like to read books together and we recently finished a book called Middlesex.  It's about a hermaphrodite that grows up female and after finding out that her plumbing was NOT normal decided at the age of 14 to start living as a male.  It's interesting...sad, funny, insightful.  I would recommend that one as well.  We're about to start a new book but at the moment I can't remember the name of it so I'll post about it later.

I've been suffering a lot of insomnia lately.  I go to bed with a sleeping pill in me and end up tossing and turning for hours...literally.  Last night Kurt gave me a trazadone and made me a cocktail hoping that that would help.  I was definitely tired...but when I tried to fall asleep...nothing but tossing and turning.  I got out of bed and watching a couple episodes of CSI and the latest Weeds and tried going back to bed and tossed and turned till 4:30am.  The alarm goes off at 6:30am.  Needless to say I didn't get much sleep and while I'm tired now I'm afraid if I go in there I will just toss and turn some more.  It's a side effect of my anti-depressants but I'd rather live with it than deal with suicidal thoughts.  NEVER a fun feeling.

So that's my life up till now. 

Monday, August 17, 2009

So first thing this morning I made some calls regarding my classes that I'm going to be taking.  I really needed to get into an English and math class but overall it just isn't happening.  I'll just have to sign up for those next semester.  I'm still taking 9 credits, though.  The classes that I decided on are all over the schedule but I had to take what was available.  So I have an introduction to college class, Nevada history and the constitution, and the history of Rock music.  I think the last one is gonna rock.

Then Kurt and I hit the grocery store and only spent $100 for 2 weeks worth of food.  This making our meals instead of buying them is pretty cool!  Who knew???  Homemade (kind of) spaghetti sauce with adding our own spices is much yummier than buying the jars.  Just saying.

And then we treated ourselves to a movie.  We went and saw Julie/Julia.  It was so good.  Very entertaining and enlightening.  I'd recommend it.  My husband really enjoyed it, as well.

So I was trying to think about where I want to see this blog go.  I mean, yes it has to do with me...and I'm short and fat...but I don't have a lot of individual experiences that have to do with either fact.  Not daily, anyway.  So what am I really doing here?  I'm not terribly funny as a writer...I just write about what's going on in my head...and heart.  Is that bad?  Boring?  Do people really want to read about that stuff?  Do people ENJOY reading about my every day life?  I'm not sure I would.

I've been watching the 3rd season of the L word this past week on netflix instant queue thing.  It's pretty good.  I think they're in their 5th season now...I kinda fell behind for a while.  My life is nothing like that...and not in the sense that I'm not a lesbian...but more that my life does not consist of drama, drama, drama.  If it DID I would have more to blog about!  Maybe once school starts and I start working again....if that EVER happens!!!  Argh.

So when I first moved back I'd lost 10 pounds but then hit a plateau.  I need to start the treadmill again.  Exercise is always a good idea.  If I could just motivate myself to drag my ass out of the recliner and make the trek into the back room where it's located.  Back in the oven.  Blasted heat sucks the life right out of me!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Being unprepared

Once upon a time my husband and I had a nice nest egg happening.  We were both making good money and was able to build up a savings.  It was nice.  We didn't worry about money.  We didn't worry about buying food or paying bills.  We were able to take a vacation every year and things were good.

Of course life changes...evolves.  And when that happens sometimes we're not always prepared for the outcome.  I was never prepared for being as poor as we are now.  I know it's for the greater good...with me going back to school and finding a career that I will enjoy for the rest of my professional life.  But in the interim...being poor SUCKS.  SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS!

Friday afternoon my husband calls me up after work and says he's going to be late in getting home because one of his tires went flat.  (There's two bald tires on his car so this wasn't surprising news.)  So he put the donut on and came home.  He doesn't want to drive his car with that on there and we can't afford even a used tire at the moment so it's sort of waiting for money to start coming in again before we replace it.  So last night I was taking my husband over to his friend's house for gaming (my husband is a D&D freak) and we stopped at the corner store for him to pick up some beer for while he was there.  He ran in while I waited in the car with the windows down and sunroof open.  (No, he didn't rob the place.)  He came back out and I went to start my car and nothing happened.  Nothing.  No power.  No lights.  No sounds.  Absolutely NOTHING.  One car already in commission and now this happens to my newer car?!  This can't be happening, I was thinking.  Argh.  So here I am in my PJ's (because who knew I would have to get out of the car when I was just taking him to his friends) getting out of the car and peering under the hood (that my husband had to have someone help him open since neither of us are mechanically savvy) trying to see something that looked like it might be out of place.  Keep in mind...we're not car people.  We're not motor-heads, by any means.  EVERYTHING under there looks foreign to us.  So my husband wiggles the battery cables and stuff and I go back and get in the car...which is by then beeping at me that I left the keys in it.  So I knew I had power again.  It started up and we were on our way.

We would have been in some serious trouble had there been a real problem with my car.  We can't afford to pay for car repairs and didn't have another car to fall back on.

Have I mentioned how I HATE being poor????  I HATE being poor!!!

Friday, August 14, 2009

So how is it that I ingest far too few calories in a day and still either gain or maintain the same weight?  Granted I don't get a lot of exercise...ok, no exercise beyond day to day stuff...but still.  What the heck is my body thinking???  Less equals more weight loss...no?  Sometimes I just don't get body chemistry.

My crazy husband

Picking up a bag of nuts that was sitting in the seat of the car he says, "Oh, can't forget my nut sack!"

Snickering.  Silly husband.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My wonderful and helpful husband sent me this info...I found it fascinating and useful so I am going to share it with all of you.  I don't usually blog other's info like this but in this case I think it's ok.


By Jennifer Nichol







Eat Foods High in Fiber


Celery and cabbage have long been touted as "calorie
burning" foods, simply because the energy used to digest these
foods is greater than the energy, or calories, ingested by eating
the foods. An added benefit of these foods is that they are fibrous
and filling, which means you will feel satisfied faster and on many
fewer calories that other food choices. Keep in mind, however, that
you don't want your caloric intake to be too low to cause a
drop in metabolism. When your metabolism drops, you will retain
more weight as the body responds to what it thinks is a period of
malnutrition.

Vitamin C is also believed to be a calorie burner and a weight
loss booster. Foods that are high in Vitamin C and also high in
fiber and low in calories include oranges, tangerines (fresh, not
canned), grapefruit (which are 90 percent water!), limes and
lemons.


Eat Low-Fat Dairy Products


Recent studies have been pointing to the fact that dieters who
eat at least two to three servings of low-fat dairy products a day,
like cottage cheese and yogurt, lose weight faster, keep it off
longer, and lose more weight in the belly area than dieters who
don't include dairy products in their diets.



Easy lunch additions include single-serving sizes of low-fat string
cheese, individually wrapped low-fat cheese wedges, milk cartons
(not just for elementary school cafeterias anymore) and even
fat-free sour cream in place of other condiments.


Choose Foods Rich in B12


Eggs, milk, low-fat cheese and cereals that have been
vitamin-enriched are all good sources of vitamin B12. Some sources
state that B12 increases the body's fat-burning ability. Every
gram of fat equals 9 calories, so when you burn fat, you burn
calories, too. Vitamin B12 is also known to fight fatigue and speed
up the metabolism, which are benefits that can give a boost to any
dieter.


For more about burning up calories and losing weight, check
out livestrong.com/eat-well/.




About this Author


Jennifer Nichol has been a contributing editor of food and wine
for Inside Roseville Magazine and was editor of Piper Jaffray's
eFinance Weekly. A fresh food and healthy living advocate, Nichol
is currently writing a book about raw living and the art of
meditative exercise.





Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Recently I revisited a rather unpleasant part of my past that. Let me explain...

I can honestly say that I've healed from the experience.  I've dealt with my past and I've overcome it.  I can look back at it from an impassive standpoint as though I'm doing nothing more than reading a bad novel.  I feel a bit of sadness and some sympathy.  But I can "see" the facts for what they are and have moved on. 

Sadly I cannot say the same about the other party.  There is so much bitterness and hatred on their end.  And I've learned through another party that slanderous lies have been told.  The years, while healing to me, have worked opposite for them.  In fact, over time, the lies have snowballed into something quite disastrous.  It is unhealthy for someone to carry that much hate in their soul. 

Why don't people let go and move on?  It's been ten long years.  Isn't it time?

Monday, August 10, 2009

OK, sometimes I really get irritated when a conversation goes something like this.

Friend: We should go to an amusement park sometime.
Me: Nah.  They're no fun when I can't ride the rides.
Friend: Why can't you ride the rides?
Me: Because my ass doesn't fit in the seats.
Friend: Why?
Me (with a disgusted look on my face): Hellooooooo...I'm fat!!!

Being fat is a fact of life.  I can say the word without getting embarrassed or pissy about it.  And I expect those around me to be able to do the same.  I mean...it's obvious.  It's not a secret that I'm trying to hide.  How can I?!  I'm 150 pounds overweight.  It's a LIT-TLE hard to hide that, don't you think?

So why do my friends (or acquaintance--because we DID establish in previous posts that I have no friends here) get all squeamish or uncomfortable when I say it?  If anyone feels that way should it not be me?  Take a page from my book, my friend, and just accept it.  News flash!  I KNOW I'M FAT!!!!!!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Newsflash

It hadn't occurred to me until tonight that I have no friends here in Reno.  None.  In fact, I don't really have but one good friend at all these days and she doesn't live in Nevada.  And the reason all this occurred to me was that my husband is off doing his Saturday night thing with his friends...and I'm home alone.  Bored.  Very bored.  I was home bored last night, too.  When he went to his book club meeting...with his friends.  My only friend here is my husband.  This sucks.  It really does.  Everyone has moved away.  I want some friends again dammit!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Rolling thunder

Oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

I think I am starting to understand the true meaning behind those lyrics.  Bad luck?  Fate?  Life in general.  It is messed up.  No really, it is.  I have my good days and my bad days.  My good and bad years.  And the relentless, never-ending life of bad luck and always being THAT girl...in THAT situation.

Yes...I'm THAT girl in THIS situation.  I'm FAT.  That does not define me....unless I allow it.  And I allow it often.  I'm a happy person, overall.  But when I'm picked over for someone smaller, thinner and prettier than me...I can be a real bitch.  And annoyed.  And frustrated.  Sad.  There are all these emotions rolling around in me.  They go away for a while...but then they come back...rolling in like thunder chasing the wind.  It's life.  It's the way of it.  Can I ever get away from it?  Will I ever have all of my dreams fulfilled?  And more importantly when I die...can I say it was not in vain?  That falling in love with my husband...my best friend...my soul mate...was the greatest achievement of my life?  (He is!)  I don't want to die without impacting someone...without leaving a legacy of some kind behind.  I want people to say my name and think, wow, she was so cool.

I'm rambling.  I don't have a whole lot of clear things to write right now so you get my rambling, ramblingy, ramblings.  Aren't you guys so lucky?? 

I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog entries (other than my biggest fan-my husband).

Speak up if you read my blog!  Leave a comment.  I'll love ya for it!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Catching a break

So this totally awesome job came up on Craigs List for an adoption counselor at the humane society about a week and a half ago.  So, of course I sent in my email.  I mean, it's totally perfect for me.  It was listed for part time hours and with animals.  I'm studying to be a vet. tech. so PERFECT for me!

So I sent in an email and didn't hear anything back.  So Friday afternoon I sent an email to them asking if they'd received my resume and cover letter and the following day I was asked to come in this morning for an interview.  I was stoked!  So today's interview went really well.  Tomorrow I'll be going in at 10:30-7pm to do a shadow shift where I'll hang out with another adoption counselor to see what the basic day to day is like, etc.  I'm really excited.  I really hope this works out for me because it's just perfect.  The only drawback is the pay.  It's minimum wage.  I've never have a minimum wage job in 20 years.  LOL.  But it's more than I'm bringing in now which is absolutely NOTHING.

The good thing about it all is that animals don't care if you're fat or thin.  They just want to be loved.  And I definitely have plenty of that.  And I'd get to work with the public in a special time of their life...adopting an animal to become part of their family!  How freakin' cool is that????

I'll keep you updated!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Sometimes

I threw out my back a week or so ago.  It's the first time I've done that before and it's a real pain in the ass.  Or back.  Whichever.  I guess I'm lucky that it hasn't happened before now what with all the weight I'm carrying around.  I went to the doctor yesterday and he loaded me up with meds.  I wish there were some other way to deal with it than that.  I've never been keen on taking a crapload of medication for one thing or another.

Anyhoo...Kurt said I have to learn to not stress so much.  That I can only do all that I can do and nothing more.  With that being said...I'm trying not to worry so much about the job front.  Although it'd sure be nice to have a few extra bucks to hit happy hour on the weekends.  We might go Sunday night, though.  We had a little extra money come in from my last work check from before I moved so that's nice.

So it's been almost 2 weeks since moving here and I'm still jobless.  I was so hoping that I'd have found something...anything...by now.  So much for wishing, eh?  I'm hoping the next week will bring me good luck!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I know it's just been a little more than a week but I really was hoping I'd have found work by now.  As every day goes by I feel more and more discouraged.  All I need is something with 20 hours a week.  I'm not asking for uber high pay or benefits.  Simply a few hours each week doing SOMETHING.

I've prepared a letter to go out to local vets in hopes that they'll need help washing cages or walking dogs or something.  Here's hoping it works.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Have you ever went clothes shopping for plus sizes or know anyone who has?  Why is it that there are so many synthetic materials (read polyester) in fattie clothes?  Do we look like we need to step out of a 70's fashion mag?  No.  Then WTF???  We sweat enough in the summer months that we don't need the added bonus of wearing non breathable material.  I mean really people!

I PLEAD with the clothing manufacturers of the world....the world consists of more "overweight" people than underweight these days.  Make something fashionable and comfy for us!  I BEG of you!

I do a lot of shopping at Lane Bryant.  I like the classy looks and styles and that they're tailored for my type of body.  However, 80% of it is synthetic.  A little breathable fabric would be great in 100+ temperatures.  Who can I talk to about this unthinkable act?  Or maybe ask WHY???  Because really...just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm not fashion conscious or enjoy a nice silk against my fat rolls.  C'mon clothes designers out there!  Get with the proggie!  Fat people like to spend money, too!

So far so good

I've been busy today.  Got my final paperwork in to the school for
financial aid and made an appointment with a staffing agency for work
for Wednesday.  Oh that reminds me...I need to also make an appointment
with my dr. here so that I can get my meds refilled.  And call my dr in
Utah and get my records transferred.  Moving is a pain sometimes.  But
worth it!



I've been trying to find this dr. that a friend referred me to a couple
of years ago here.  I can't find the paper with the name on it
anywhere!  Argh!  And finding a random physician in Reno is such a pain
in the ass.  It's like throwing a dart and seeing where it lands.  I
don't MIND the dr I'm seeing now...my hubs and I have been seeing him
for several years now.  But I'd prefer someone closer to home.  Ahhh
well.  I guess it's not in the cards.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Friday night I went out with my husband drinking at our fave bar.  We had a ton of fun.  We always say we're just going for happy hour and end up staying a little past.  The guys behind the bar are so much fun...it's hard to leave in the middle of it all.

I learned the following day, as I always do, that my 36 year old body cannot party like it was 26 anymore!  Ugh!  I've turned into a lightweight on my hiatus away from here...it's time to step it back up a notch!

I was talking with some co-workers a while back and I brought up the subject of wondering what life would be life had money or a money system never been invented.  If life existed with everyone helping everyone else with no intent to gain because there would never be envy.

If people never started "trading" way back thousands of years ago.  If people didn't need money now.  There would be no recessions, no mortgages, no keeping up with the joneses.  Life would be so much more simple and pleasant.  Life would be different.

Think about it...how would it be?

Comment...talk amongst yourselves...I'd love feedback!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Blind Phil: Are you ok?  You sound like you've ran a marathon!
Me: I'm fat, Phil!  I walked in from the parking lot!

I'm such a sarcastic bitch sometimes.  Hehe.  He was at my wedding...he wasn't blind then.  He knows me!

Moving on

When one door closes another one opens.  Or so the saying goes.

I said goodbye to the past year and a half of my life yesterday morning and headed back home.  I look back and see how much my life has changed in just that small amount of time.  How much that I'VE changed.  It's scary that I was so different to begin with.

When I got to my hometown where my folks live I was beaten down and almost hopelessly lost as a cause.  I had so much going on against me that I didn't know if I'd ever make it up.  And, I admit, there were times when I was suicidal.  I'm not ashamed of the fact...it just reminds me of how much I've changed since then.  When I think about whether I'd have changed any of it...part of me wishes that I could take back the last 5 years and do them over.  But then again...I don't.  I like who I've become.  I like what I plan to become.  I love my family and my critters.

I know I'm not who I thought I'd be 25 years ago...but I'm so much more.  And I'm so grateful for that.

As I watched in the mirror my folks waving goodbye I realized that it was time.  This chapter is over.  I'm ready to start the next one.  And when I wiped the tear from the corner of my eye...I knew I was making the right decision.  And I'm so grateful for my husband who never gave up on me...and always knew the woman I have always been.

Friday, July 17, 2009

New Beginnings

As I sit here at work on my final day here I'm torn between various feelings of excitement, trepidation and sadness.  It reminds me that life is not without closing doors and opening windows, so to speak.  Often they're not of our own accord and sometimes they are.  I'm going into this situation with my eyes and mental state open to a new life ahead of me. 

I will miss the people that I have met and created friendships here over the past year and a half but I look forward to forging new friendships with new people back home...and for getting on with my life with my husband.  As a family again.  It's time.  We've both grown so much from this time apart.  A fragile marriage has been rebuilt with even stronger ties and for that alone I am grateful for the last couple of years.

I never imagined myself moving back home for a recuperation period in my life.  In fact, I always said I'd never return here to live again.  That shows me to never say never!  I'm grateful for my mom (as annoying as she can be) and my step-dad for taking me in when I most needed change in my life...and for allowing me to stay for as long as I have in order to grow.  I still want to kill my mom sometimes but the distance will definitely help with that!  I will miss my step-dad the most.  He's been very supportive of what I've been trying to achieve with my life.

I do look towards the future with a little fear in that I will need to start job hunting yet again.  And for us fatties it's a difficult task, indeed.  There is so much discrimination in the business world when it comes to that kind of thing.  But I have a few ideas as to how to approach the situation and hopefully one of them will yield positive results.

To my co-workers that I am leaving...thank you for accepting me.  There are others who were better at it than some but I was enveloped with a sense of security which was what I needed at the time.  My life was chaotic and I found peace at work.  A lot of people don't like working there...I truly enjoyed getting up each weekday at 4am to go in...my friends are there.  And I'm thankful for Facebook in that I can have the chance to keep in touch with them.

So...with my days coming to an end here in my hometown I say goodbye to my past...and welcome to the future.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

On being short

Sometimes I wish I was tall.

That's all.  Just wish I were taller.

Bah humbug!


Is America really the land of opportunity for everyone?  I don't think so.  It's the land of opportunity for those with money to make things happen.  If you're poor...you can't afford schooling or manage to get a good job that allows you to not only save but move up in the world.  You're stuck.

Land of maybes....yes, sure.  Land of opportunity for the rich?  Definitely.  And that, my friends, pisses me off.  How did America get this way?  When did it become this way?  Back when it was founded it was meant to always be full of opportunities.  How sad that it is no longer like that.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Touch is so nice

There is one thing good that has come of my stay here and that is that I've been a regular at getting massages at the local massage college.  Cheap and wonderful.  I know many big people who don't like the idea of getting a massage due to bad body image...do not let that stop you...PLEASE!!!  Professional massage benefits everyone...all body types.  It's soothing, relaxing, releases bad toxins that build up and it's generally just a very good experience.  I wish more fatties like me would get out there and do it.  Support massage therapists...support yourself!  You deserve to pamper yourself every once in a while!

So I guess you can guess that I had a great massage earlier this evening.  The girl who did it was about halfway through her studies so she was pretty good.  I asked for something  nice and relaxing and when I asked for her to go deeper she obliged.  I think in all the times I've went for massages I've only had one really terrible one.  And even the worst ones you get something out of....who doesn't enjoy touch?  Massage?  What's funny is that they always have issues with draping my legs.  I have uber fat legs cuz of my shortness and they have problems with the sheet tucking behind my knees.  Haha.  I end up helping them out most of the time.  Although the girl today learned by the last time she did it.  She had it DOWN.  I was impressed!

Go get your massage!  Massage is always a good idea!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Amtrak

OK so here's my update on Amtrak and how well they deal with fat people's needs in particular.

First off...everyone was so friendly.  I never encountered any unfriendlies at all.  That was a relief in and of itself.  Nothing is worse than traveling with fat haters.  The conductors were awesome.  I didn't do much walking around going to Reno on the train.  It left at almost midnight and I was plum tuckered out.  Remember, my bedtime is normally at 8pm!  I did, however, have to go pee.  Whew.  Not a small feat!  Amtrak's normal size toilets are NOT, I repeat, NOT, made for fatties.  At all.  I could barely manage wedging my ass into the little space.  It's smaller than a jet toilet if you can imagine that.  It was bad.  And since it was frowned upon to use the toilets in other cars I had to make do with what was available....and that was just shitty.  No pun!

It was also COLD.  Not just cold, cold.  But FRIGID.  I think they had the A/C set to 50F!  It was freezing.  And silly me, not having been on a train before, wasn't really aware of what all to bring.  Now I do!  A BLANKET!!!!!!  I was lucky that I'd thrown a light sweater on on my way out the door to meet the train or I'd have been a popsicle by the time I arrived.

On my return on Amtrak I got a little braver.  For those of you looking to travel by train I do suggest this mode.  But be curious and ask questions.  Do not accept things as they are.  The second time around I asked where the nearest handicap toilet was and thankfully it was in my coach!  Woohoo!  Much better!  You can move around in there!  I also went down to the snack car and bought a sandwich and water.  They DO take credit and debit cards, people.  You do not need cash!  I had my blanket that I'd brought from home and I crashed hard on the way back.  I was so tired I kept waking up to my snores.  (Sleep apnea is such a pain.)

So, for those of you looking into traveling by Amtrak I highly suggest it.  The seats are side by side and for the most part if they see a single person traveling alone they don't bother with you and allow you to have both seats to stretch out on.  The footrests come up like a recliner chair and there are foot rests as well.  For the price...it was certainly worth it and I will do it again.


So today was the first day back to work after my extended weekend.  And I handed in my notice of resignation.  When I came here I never dreamed in a million that I'd be here this long.  I wasn't supposed to be.  It was to be a break from my "life" such as it was back then.  A few weeks at the most.  Maybe find a job through the holidays and that was it.  And then I began working for the company that I do.  I liked it.  Brainless, monotonous....entertaining and fun.  I loved interacting with the people and with my co-workers.  And so it was with great fear and trepidation that I turned in my letter today to my boss.  I almost started crying.  I will miss it there.  In my cubicle on the 2nd floor.  I will miss the people that I work with and the familiar.  I won't miss the discrimination and gossip-mongering.

I am afraid that I am committing job suicide by quitting but this has been needing to happen for some time.  I can only hope that I am able to find work quickly once I return back home.  It has me excited...and very, very scared.  I don't like being out of work...and I don't like the thought of being out of work in these hard times.  I must press on!


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

So tomorrow night I will be embarking on my first Amtrak adventure to Reno.  I'm writing this now because I have no idea how much time I will have tomorrow afternoon after work to worry about entering another blog.  That's not to say that I may not create an entry from there...but I'm not planning on taking my laptop along so that's that.

I miss my husband, my pets...(even though I'll be leaving Peaches behind and missing her terribly).  I'll be having a lot of fun just being with my husband and celebrating our 8th anniversary (as of today!)

So here I sit...pondering over just how to pack the big ass suitcase full of stuff that I don't use here so that I can get it back to Reno.  Moving back one big suitcase at a time!

Oh...I can't forget my drugs.  God help me if I forget my anti-depressants and blood pressure meds.  I think I'd worry myself to death!  Haha!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Old memories

There is a "fruit stand" up the street from where I live that has been there since before I can remember.  It's probably 6 or so blocks up...on the corner of two main streets.  It's more than just a stand...more like a small cement building.  It closes in the winter and opens in the warm months when the surrounding orchards are fruitful again.  It's always been there...always been a fundamental part of my growing up.  As children my friends and I would ride our bikes up the street, me with my flower basket and tassels hanging out of my handlebars...my friends, all with similar looking bikes...we'd pump our way up the street with our pockets full of change and purchase what then really WAS penny candy.  I still can't taste a swedish fish without remembering the good old days.  We'd buy our penny candies and then load up our baskets and head back home.  It was a short bike ride...but it was made several times a week during the summers.

It's funny how little things like that stay with you.  I don't have one particular memory that stands out...but I remember the days of riding up to purchase our penny candies and then biking back.  The couple who owned it back then were older...at least I considered them old by my young standards, and I'm they've probably passed away by now...but the fruit stand remains in the same family.  I haven't been in there in many years...I wonder if it's still the same inside.  Or if, as with everything else these days, it's been modernized...perhaps I will drive up there in the next few days and check for myself...and see if it still holds the memories within it's walls...of children laughing and ordering candy.  I wonder if other children are creating the same memories.  I never see bicycles parked outside anymore....so I'm banking on not.  Too many people worry about abductions, etc. to allow their kids to bike off to two main streets alone to buy open candy from strangers.

It's too bad it's changed...those are great memories.  Very great indeed.

On being...fat

Sometimes I get into a funk and ask myself..."why did I have to be fat?"  As with most families there are chunkier members than others but it's mostly the older ones...with age and all that.  I have a few fatties in my external fam...and I suppose that is where I get it from.  Some random fat gene handed down.

Why me, Fat Gene????  Why me????

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I haven't wrote much about being short.  So here's something that happened to me the other day.

I wake up at 4am for work.  There are others who are still sleeping so I'm quiet while getting ready.  Well, I'd forgotten to make coffee the night before so I had to hurry and get all of that prepared and in the midst of all of THAT I realized that I was out of creamer.  I can choke down coffee without creamer if I put a little sweetener in it.  So I was trying to remember where the Equal was kept...and remembered it was in the cupboard...up high...on the top shelf.  *Sigh*  So I grabbed a spatula from the drawer and was trying to hook it behind the box to pull it down.  Apparently the shelf has a tiny lip on the edge because it kept stopping right there.  So here I am at 4:15am jumping up and down (jumping doesn't accomplish much when there's so much of me to heave off of the ground) trying to get the dang Equal down.  FINALLY the spatula caught and the box came flying off of the shelf...and clanged and banged it's way onto the stove.  I think that probably woke up the neighborhood!

Ahhh the stories I have from my 4am adventures.  I love working that early...but does it have to be so darn early???  Haha.

...makes you want to be dead!  Or at least close to it!

Have you ever wondered why you have the self assurance that you do?  I mean...really, truly wondered?  I've discovered that everyone, to one degree or another, is a product of what others tell them that they are.

Would I believe I was the most amazing about beautiful person on Earth had I grown up being told that?  Possibly.  But would I believe it?  Now I'm rambling...and I'm not even drinking!  Nor have I taken sleeping pills yet!

While I was laying down and drifting off in my nap time yesterday I had two ideas to write about for the blog.  I wrote about one...and the other has escaped me.  As much as I've tried to remember...it's gone.  I knew I should have jotted it down on my iPhone...but I honestly didn't think I'd forget.  Serves me right for assuming that one!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

So I was thinking about my past relationships and my current one with my husband and I realized that for some reason guys must think that a woman's largest erogenous zone is between her legs!  Seriously guys....it ain't!  OK, maybe ultimately it is...but to get us to the brink of a great orgasm it doesn't start with the main course....you need to make it through the appetizers and salad first before you get to the cuisine, no?  OK...enough food analogies.  Here's the deal.  And guys...all of you...listen up.  This is a valuable lesson that you need to remember.  When you've got a hot, writhing and naked woman in your bed do not zero in immediately on her clit.  PLAY with her body.  The mind is the largest erogenous zone....and the way to the mind is by touching her body...talking to her....make love with touch and words....tell her how nasty she is and how much it turns you on...run your hands around her breasts without touching the nipples...tease...lightly...tickle.  PLEASE do not make the mistake of touching her to see if she's remotely wet and if she's not within 60 seconds dragging out the lube.  Not gonna solve anything, guys!  Undress her slowly, nibble down the sides of her neck, listen to her breathing quicken and soft moans.  Allow her time to run her hands behind your neck...kissing you...down your chest...over your strong arms.  Making love is so much more than just a 10 minute ordeal.  Take the time to learn each other...whether you've been lovers for one week or 50 years!  There is nothing more erotic than knowing that you personally turn your lover on.

And being a large woman...well, there's just that much more to play with!  Large breasts, large thighs, large ass, large stomach...everything is bigger!  Everything is tastier!  Make your way down between her legs and make her beg to feel you inside of her!  Withhold, tease, you've got the ultimate weapon...use it.  Buy some toys...a feather and honey dust can go a long, long way.  Shop together.  Buy something you will both enjoy using together.

Ladies...don't forget your man is more than just a penis.  I've learned that one myself.  They, too, enjoy being touched and teased.  Licked, carressed, kissed.  Don't forget to communicate what you enjoy.  Don't forget to tell your lover how much you love them...and how attractive they are to you.  Trust me...you'll be rewarded ten fold!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Ever since I remember my mom had me on a diet.  I harbor a great deal of resentment towards her about that but I'm working through it in my own due time.  However, when you're the age of 5 and on a diet for being chubby it's not cool.  What I didn't realize at the time but realize now is that what my mom was telling me in her own passive aggressive way was that I was less than good enough for her.  I was on diets at 5, 6, 8 and on up into my puberty years.  I was never good enough...pretty enough.  Wouldn't it have been just as good to enroll me in a sports program?  Swimming?  Or maybe just tell me that I'm pretty as I am?  I don't understand what was going on in her mind...but it has taken years for me to realize that I AM ok, just as I am. 

Some days are easier than others to understand that...I still have the occasional issue about not being good enough...especially when it comes to being with my husband.  I know he loves me...there is no doubt in my mind about that.  But I also know that I was never his "type".  Some people are attracted to fatties and some people aren't.  He isn't.  And so, while I have been with several men in my life...all of whom were very attracted to the fact that I was comfortable in my own skin...the one man who means the most to me I have the most problems with feeling adequate enough for.  I want him to see my personality and positive nature when we make love...but instead I see myself through his eyes.  Fat, unattractive, ugly.  And that hurts.  While men in my past love that I can climb on top and get all aggressive on them...I feel embarrassed and unattractive if I even THINK about doing it with him...let alone actually doing it.

This is not his fault.  He loves me.  And I love him.  Love is not the problem here.  Acceptance of myself...and of him...is.  I'm having problems.  Even now I'm crying while writing this because I feel ashamed that I feel this way.  Ashamed that I don't trust my husband enough to love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Ashamed that I don't give him the chance to.  God I want to.  I want to feel gorgeous and attractive in his eyes....and in the eyes of my parents.  Whom, I might add, still find me less than adequate.  My father reminds me that I need to lose weight almost every time I see him.  My mom...well, in her own way reminds me of the same.  My husband doesn't tell me any of that.  He just wants me to be healthy.  And that's all that I want, too.

I need to be loved, appreciated, accepted, and wanted without reservation.  Will I ever allow myself to do so?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

So I finally got smart and checked the pricing for Amtrak rides between where I live now and Reno and it's cheaper than driving.  So I'm taking the train in a couple of weeks to Reno.  This is a new thing for me.  I've taken the trains all through Europe but Amtrak is a new experience.  I was fretting about seat width because as a grossly obese woman I need to think of these things.  And you don't even want to know how uncomfy it is to fly for me.  So, when I read on Amtrak's site that the seats are wide and comfortable I didn't know if I should believe it or not.  I mean....is that comfortable for a person size 5 or a person size 12 or a person size 28?  Wide and comfortable is extremely vague.  So...I did some searching online.  Oddly enough there's not a lot of other people out there who are fat and travel by train.  I wonder why....

So I ask friends on facebook and only one responded about getting a sleeper car and wishing they'd just gotten coach seats instead.  Not a lot of help.  So just when I think of giving up my new supervisor at work, also quite large, tells me that she's travelled via Amtrak and that I should have no problem.  The seats truly are large and comfortable.

What a relief!

It's shit like this that makes me really not like being fat sometimes.  Ah well....life moves forward!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I recently watched a movie, He's Just Not That Into You, and there's a quote from it...

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is...just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

I've seen this movie twice now and both times it was a little hard to get into from the beginning...but then, somehow, like an old battered blanket that you used to hate but now you can't imagine living without, it creeps up on you.  You're into it.  It makes me feel so thankful that I have a wonderful and loving husband who fell in love with who I am...flaws and all.  Extra pounds and crazy attitude.  He didn't fall in love with who I might be.  He didn't fall in love with a woman that he planned to get to lose weight.  He fell in love with me.  And never, in all the 9 years that we've been together, have I ever doubted his love for me.  Call me cheesy...but he really is my other half.  My soul mate.  He's my yang to my yin.  We're not the most perfect couple in the world...but after all of the guys I've dated and even an ex-husband....I know he's the one I was working towards in my life.  He's it.  He's the one.  And I will always and forever be grateful for his love, his patience, his slapstick and weird wit and his true acceptance of me...all of me.

This post is dedicated to my husband...and to all those other people out there who are searching for love and keep stumbling.  Please don't give up.  You'll find your ONE.  And when you do....it'll be amazing.  I know mine is.

I love you, Kurt.  Forever.




Friday, June 12, 2009

OK, the subject has nothing to do with what I'm about to write.  But it sounded good...and kind of dramatic...no?

So here it is...another Friday night.  I'm alone again.  Well, not alone...never completely alone.  But not home with my husband where I truly want to be.  Still separted by over 500 miles of big, flat nothingness.  One more week closer to being back there, though.

I got my student aid report back today.  I am not eligible for any of the pell grants.  Bummer.  So I think now it moves along to the financial aid office to see if I qualify for any other grants or whatnot.  And if that fails...then it'll be a student loan.  One way or another I will get back to school.  I'm totally looking forward to it.

Side note: I think I'm a tinier bit more in shape...I don't huff and puff after climbing the 2 flights of stairs at work anymore!  That's something, right?!  Yay!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

So lately I've been attempting to locate any of either side of my family on Facebook.  My mothers or my fathers.  I think I might be the only person in this country with a completely stupid family tree on either side.  I can't find a single SOUL.  None!  Granted I rarely talk to them in person...in fact, I think the last time I talked with any of them was back in 1998'ish when my grandmother died.  But still!  We were all fairly close growing up!  What the hell happened?  We won't go into the fact that I not only THINK I'm better than them...but that I AM better than them.  I have made something of myself...sort of.  I'm intelligent, witty, fun...they're all hillbillie hicks who live in the trailer court next to the railroad tracks.

Great....just great.  I feel much better.

Sometimes I wonder if I am hideous to look at to people.  I mean...I'm not just fat...I'm morbidly obese.  I take care of myself and don't smell or anything...but am not unpleasant?  I hope not.  I hope that my smile and laughter draws people towards me like a moth to a light.  But on the other hand....do people just see me and think..."Oh my fucking hell....she's FAT FAT FAT!!!"

I wonder....

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Needy, selfish, self-centered people make me want to scream!  Really SCREAM!  Do they truly believe they're going anywhere in their life by being that way?  Don't they see that people don't care to hang out with them because of those reasons?  Do they not see that they're that way at all?  How can they not???  Argh!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I wonder....

I just watched a movie trailer about a woman whose life changes drastically because she makes a decision that cost her just 10 minutes of her life.  One was where she caught the subway and the other was where she missed it and had to wait 10 minutes for the next one.  The one where she catches it...she gets home and catches her man in bed with another woman.  In the other...she gets home, the woman is gone, and she's none the wiser.  Which would I rather be, I wonder. 

As someone who often asks herself if her life would be any different had I chosen to not marry when I was 21 but instead stayed in school and gotten a degree, followed by a good job, etc. etc.  Where would I be now?  I used to be very religious back then.  Over the years, some of which were when I was married to my ex-husband, I discovered that religion was not the answer for me.  Would I have a grand job?  Still live in the same state that I lived in back then or would I have moved around and had the worldly experiences that I've had in a different manner?  Was it my destiny to live my major life experiences or would they never have happened had I made any other decision back then?  Would I be a different person or would I be the same?  I'd like to think I'd be the same person.  That I am defined by the sum of my experiences to quote an old cliche.

I like who I am.  I don't want to be anyone else.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I just read an article stating that Susan Atkins is coming up on parole.  If you don't know who she is and don't care to Google her she stabbed and killed actress Sharon Tate back in 1969 as part of the Charles Manson murders.  Susan is dying of brain cancer and is 85% paralyzed.  She is unable to sit up or even be moved into a wheelchair.  Some say this is her penance for murdering a pregnant woman and her unborn child.  Others say only death in prison would right the wrong she's done.

I feel for her and her family.  But I feel for the murdered woman and unborn child more.  This is her 18th parole hearing.  I do wonder if she'll be ordered to continue on as she is.

In a manuscript posted on her Web site, Atkins, who was known
within the Manson family as Sadie Mae Glutz, wrote that "this is the
past I have to live with, and I have to live with it every day."

"Unlike the reader, or the people who seem to think Charles Manson
was cool, I can't think about it for an hour or so and then go on with
my life. Just like the families and friends of the victims, this is
with me every day. I have to wake up every day with this and no matter
what I do for the rest of my life and no matter how much I give back to
the community I will never be able to replace what my crime took away.
And that's not 'neat,' and that's not 'cool.'"

The murdered actress's sister, Debra Tate, states:

"The 'Manson Family' murderers are sociopaths, and from that, they can
never be rehabilitated," Debra Tate said. "They should all stay right
where they are -- in prison -- until they die. There will never be true
justice for my sister Sharon and the other victims of the 'Manson
Family.' Keeping the murderers in prison is the least we, as a society
who values justice, can do."


What are your opinions?

Thursday, June 4, 2009



A Fat Rant.

Stinky dog

So my chihuahua has been going into the depths of the backyard and coming back inside smelling like something ripe and rotten!  I'm not sure where she goes to roll...but it's a hideous smell.  I'm almost afraid to know...but I need to go scout the yard to find whatever it is.  I can't be giving her baths every day!  She does love getting them but it's harsh on her skin to be getting them daily.  Besides...I think at one point or another she probably got some water in one of her ears and now it's bugging her.  I'm going to wait another day and see if it gets any better.  If it doesn't then a trip to the vet is in order. 

If it isn't one thing it's another.  We just had my other dog, a flat-coat retriever, in the vet a couple of months ago for pancreatis.  She had an overnight stay and we were pretty worried about her.  And at the beginning of the year I had my chihuahua in to get spayed.  I think this is what pet insurance is for.  But it's one of those things you always think about getting after the fact.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when it comes to dressing themselves.  Just because one is fat (and short) does not mean you have to make concessions with how you dress!  I'm a big hater of Wally world.  I don't like wearing what thousands of other women in the country are wearing.  Millions!  Cheap, sloppy.  So not my style.  Call me a clothes snob but I refuse to wear that kind of stuff!  My fave place for clothes purchasing is Lane Bryant, T.J. Maxx or even Ross.  People already make snap judgments because of how you look...don't throw fuel on the fire by dressing like a sack, too!  Be proud of the curves you sport....men or women.  Love yourself and others will be drawn to you and will love you back!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Something short!

Funny but I didn't realize that the title of today's post has a wannabe pun in it!  How cool is that?

Have you ever wondered why people don't like to sit next to fat people?  Even fat people tend to not like sitting next to other fat people.  Think on that.....and get back to me on it!

Monday, June 1, 2009

This blog has been an idea in the making for quite some time.  My life is pretty interesting sometimes and in order for my posterity or people generations in the future to believe what I write...I figure I'd best put it down (so to speak).

Now granted, my life is not the most exciting.  I've lived a lot, cried a lot, and fell in love a few times.  I'll cover a lot of that stuff as I go but really I want to concentrate on the present.  God knows I'm not perfect.  I have my faults and they are many.  I wish I were less complex but I suppose I'd be less interesting if I were...and if that were the case then I'd probably not be writing a blog!

So here I am.  My name, for privacy sake, is V-Dizzle.  For now anyway.  It's an inside joke between myself and my husband.  The only person on this world who knows my every secret and loves me anyway.  How many people can honestly say that?  I mean really?  Can you? 

Continuing on...I am 36 years of age, 4'11" (or 150 cm...approximately.  I think.)  I'm also almost 300 pounds.  Now imagine, in your mind, a chubby bug...and then what that bug would resemble if you stepped on it so that it was half it's size.  That is me.  Well, not a bug, but squashed...compact.  Short...but not petite...no matter WHAT my pants say that I purchase from Lane Bryant

I'm FAT.  F.A.T.  It's three letters.  I have no problem describing myself as such because that is what I am.  Some people gasp when I say it about myself and their instint is to tell me "you're not fat!"  Are they blind?  No.  They just think it's like a bad word....like fuck.  That's a bad word.  Fat?  Nah.  It's the truth!

I'm short.  People aren't offended by short.  Some think it's cute.  Some are annoyed by my asking them to help me reach something.  Most laugh it off.  I didn't get to be my age without coming to terms with the fact that the growth spurt that I was waiting on during puberty is never going to happen.  I'm cool with asking for help.  I like it.  I like being me...most of the time.  And THAT is what this blog is all about.

My life...as a short...fat...woman.

Welcome...save the feed.  Stay tuned.  This will hopefully be quite a ride!