Wednesday, July 28, 2010

2 am

There are a lot of drawbacks to being awake every night at 2am.

But there are positive things, too.

For instance, I was just sitting here at the computer with the door to the front open next to me, when I heard rain softly falling outside.  Rain wasn't/isn't on the forecast, and yet, here it is, softly falling.  If I were asleep, I'd have missed this beautiful experience.  So, I asked the dogs if they wanted to go outside with me, (of course!), and we all went outside and danced in the rain...twirling and laughing and having a good time.  OK, I twirled and laughed in the rain; they just stood on the porch under the roof and stared at me like I was insane!  It started to rain even harder, and the more it rained the more fun I had!

The point I'm making here, and yes, there's a point, no matter how vague, is that you should never be afraid to dance in the rain at 2am!  I don't think I've had that much fun in a very long time.  We're talking childhood.  I haven't danced in the rain, laughing and singing with my face lifted to the sky and my arms outstretched since I was a child.  And that, my friends, is a very sad fact.

Why do we throw away our fanciful charms that we had as children, when we grow up?

I'll tell you one thing...the next time I'm up at this hour, and it's raining, and it's summertime...I'm going out to dance in it!  AGAIN!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I remember

I've been fat all of my life.  ALL of my life.

I remember huffing and puffing across the field during the last day of school festivities.

I remember passing my peers in the hallways and hearing, "you're fat," beginning a long tape of negative self esteem.

I remember picture day and how I was never able to wear cute outfits for pictures because everything was too small.

I remember school shopping at JC Penny or Sears for clothes that were larger sizes, because they were the only ones who sold them big enough.

I remember getting a cool new shirt with flappy arms and geometric shapes and a really cool wide belt that was to be worn low on the hips and off center and hearing people talk about how fat it made me look.  And the belt never sat low on my hips because my hips held it up.

I remember never being asked out to dances.  Nobody wanted to dance with the fat girl.

I remember I hated clothes shopping.  Hated it.  With a passion.

I remember hating to go to the Diet Center every morning to get on their scales and see how poorly I did.

I remember shopping for swimsuits through the Sears catalog because nobody ever had my size.

I remember the doctor never addressed my obesity, instead telling me to eat better.

I remember when I first started starving myself to lose weight and how hungry I got.

I remember being followed around the halls of my high school by two bullies who made my life miserable by chasing me out to my car while making rude comments and noises.

I remember never feeling completely safe or comfortable in school.

I remember never looking up while walking the halls in high school, trying not to bring attention to myself, and knowing whenever I heard laughter or whispers that it was about me, and I was horrified and turned bright red.

I remember my best friends ditching me once we entered junior high school, because I no longer fit the cool image.  I was so confused.

I remember being such a good friend to people, giving everything and getting nothing in return.  I remember when I stopped giving, the friendships died because I wasn't needed, anymore.

I remember how that totally messed up my mind and heart.

I remember crying so hard, with a broken heart, wondering, "when, WHEN will it be MY turn to be in love??"

I remember wondering asking god, back when I believed in a god, why I was put on earth when nobody wanted me here to begin with.

I remember hating gym class, and eventually getting a doctor's note to be excused from it, because I was afraid of taking showers with other girls.  I knew they'd laugh and rumors would fly about just how fat and hideous I truly was.

I remember that I was never really happy in my youth.  And that is such a shame.

I remember finally realizing that I don't need to be skinny to be happy.

I remember realizing that I don't need to be perfect to be pretty.

I remember realizing that only I could make myself happy.

"Though the people that caused my anxiety over the years probably don't remember what they have said or did, I can never forget."


Inspired by this article.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Imagine this

Can you imagine...being in a relationship where you question daily whether or not your partner is attracted to you?

Can you imagine...looking at your best friend and wondering if they feel the same about you?

Can you imagine...being ashamed of saying anything out loud because it might make it that much more real?

Can you imagine...looking in the mirror every day and thinking to yourself, "this is as good as it's going to get."

Can you with 200 pounds more on your frame than a human body was ever meant to carry?

Can you imagine...a father who disappears from his child's life for years on end?

Can you imagine...waking up each morning, sore, stiff, and wondering if today is the day that you're going to die?

Can you imagine...having the knowlege that you have never turned your partner on sexually?

Can you imagine...putting on a happy face every day, whether you feel like it or not, and pretending to like who you are?

Can you imagine...being in a sexless marriage because your partner just doesn't want to be bothered?

Can you imagine...being in love with an idea that will never come to fruition?

Can you imagine...seeing people around you in far worse shape and being so caught up in yourself that you don't see them?

Can you imagine....losing a child, either real or critter, and having the pain be so unbearable that you don't think you can move on?

Can you imagine...seeing a world through rose colored glasses, and then realizing that what you thought was real was so very, very wrong?

Can you imagine...being alone in a world where nobody knows you and you have no one to turn to?

Can you imagine...having your heart break on a daily basis because you're unable to have children?

Can you imagine...wondering if life is truly worth living when there's so much stacked against you?

Can you imagine...a mother who is more self-centered than she is caring?

Can you imagine...believing that you'll never be who you want to be?

Can you imagine...not dreaming anymore and just giving up?

Can you imagine?  I don't have to.  Do you?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Proud of me

I'm proud of myself.  Last night, around 1am, I was bored and restless.  I was watching a show on the computer and...well...bored.  You know how it is.  I wasn't hungry...but I felt like I should eat something.  So, I headed into the kitchen towards the junk food.  I stopped dead in my tracks and did an about face and headed to the fridge and pulled out some grapes.  High in sugar, so not the greatest for just before bedtime, but MUCH better than junk food.

Can I hear a hip-hip hooray, for me???  Don't worry, I've already heard it a few times in my head!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Are you a Body Shop fan?  Love lotions and potions and all that jazz?

Click the image below to take you to a $5 off coupon with no spending limit.  It's like finding a $5 bill!  How cool is that??

Meds and stuff

So last week I didn't do so well with following a healthy food plan and I ended up gaining weight back.  *Sigh*  I just can't seem to get below that goal line, darnit!

Yesterday, I went to the doctor and she put me back on Celexa.  I tried, and I get points for that, to go off of it.  But I have such high anxiety levels that it affects every other part of my life if I don't have a way to mentally control to Celexa.  I'm also starting something called Metformin.  I asked her about taking hormones to regulate my body....with PCOS you never have periods and you always have zits. fun, is that???  So, I brought it up and she thought that I'd do well to take Metformin.  There are many things that we're hoping to fix with this particular drug.  Weight loss.  It's a side effect.  Here's hoping I have it!!!  Hunger control.  It's supposed to regulate the insulin in my blood so that my blood sugar level isn't so high.  (I don't have diabetes...but if I don't take control now, it may turn into it.)  It's also supposed to stimulate my metabolism.  And, it's supposed to make me ovulate and have periods again.  Wow!  All that in one tiny little pill...twice a day!

I really hope it works.

So there you have it.  Weight gain...and new prescriptions.

Oh, one other thing.  My doctor prescribed, also, that I take Phentermine along with the celexa and Metformin.  At the pharmacy they freaked out because apparently there's some REALLY HUGE side effects that can happen if I mix the two.  As you know from before, Phentermine is also an aid for weight loss.  It's supposed to speed up the metabolism and help with hunger.  The pharmacy contacted my doctor to see if that's what she really wanted to do...and she gave the OK on it.  However, I'm not going to take it right now.  I just don't feel comfortable doing it.  So I'm hoping that the Metformin workds and that I won't have to take the other.  I have it set aside for right now.  More on that later, I suppose.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go dance in a circle with my Emily dog!

I have good news

Emily's lump is nothing to be concerned about!  I took her to the vet today and they did a biopsy and it's only a fatty nodule.  I guess a lot of older dogs get them.  She's only got the one.  The vet said there was no reason to have it removed.  Yay!!!

I was so relieved to hear her tell me that.  SO relieved.  Phew!!!  That's one big ol' worry off my chest, right there.

I knew my E-dawg was healthy!  I just KNEW it!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Tomorrow my niece goes back to hell.  She's been staying with my mom and step-dad for 7 weeks, now, and tomorrow it's time for her to go back.  I don't know what the future holds for her, there, but I do know that it involves me making a phone call about a month or two from now to the authorities there.  And HOPEFULLY, it involves her being able to live in a safe home from there on out.  But, I suppose we'll see.  That's all we can do.  Wait...and see.  I reminded her, this evening on the phone, that she can call me ANYTIME she needs to talk to someone.  I'm here 24/7 for her.  ONLY for her.  NOT her mom.

She understands.

On a lighter note...apparently she's outgrown the outfits that my mom bought her when she first got there.  She's put on a little weight!  She's got quite the tummy on her, anyway, but dang....girl can eat!  But I'm surprised that she gained with the amount of swimming she did while on holiday!

John Steinbeck said that, "We should remember our dying and try to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world."

Again, in the book that I'm reading, Bliss To You, it says that I can find my purpose in life by asking myself "what I enjoy most." Figuring that out should be easy, right? You'd think so. And part of it is I love animals; I love children; I enjoying being around people and meeting new ones; Just because I enjoy the latter, doesn't mean that I am going to go into sales, though. Also, because I enjoy the 2nd, doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be a parent (as we've covered in previous posts). And, yes, I am working on the first by going back to school. But are all of those what I want to be remembered for?

I know that I DON'T want to be remembered for being poor. I don't want to remembered for being sad all the time...or wishing for what isn't and what can't be. But just because I do something well doesn't mean that it's my life's purpose. Maybe my purpose is to die in order for someone innocent to live. Perhaps, it's to simply give food to someone who needs it; maybe help someone up, who has fallen down. Maybe it's to rescue abused animals and find them good, loving homes.

Whatever it is, I don't know what it is, yet. Or, maybe, I do...and I just haven't figured it out, yet.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Funny, that saying is supposed to be prefaced by breast...not dog.  But dog, it is.  I discovered it a few months back and it was about the size of a dime.  Now it's the about the size of a quarter.  I'm worried.  I'm not ready to lose my doggy, yet!  I fell asleep crying last night...worried about her.  Thinking about losing her.  I know it comes with the territory....but dammit, I'm not ready, yet.  I'm just not.  She needs to be with us for a while, yet.  Besides...she still acts like she's fine.  So, she probably is.  I'm hoping.

She's got a vet appointment on Thursday to have it looked at.  I'll worry about money then.

Right now....she gets queen's treatment around here.  Wait...she always gets that!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Emily has a lump

A few months ago I found a lump on Emily's side.  It feels like a cyst-like thing...but more solid.  I don't think cysts are solid.  And it feels like it's getting bigger.

Problem....we can't afford to take her to the vet to have it looked at.  Not until my first student loan comes.  I don't know what to do.  :(

Recently, I've been reading the book Bliss To You by Trixie Koontz, dog (as told to Dean Koontz).  It's a fun little book that really makes you think about things as you follow the steps to achieve bliss (according to Trixie). 

One of the steps is to figure out why you've been sent to earth; what your meaning in life is.  It could be to raise a kid who later saves hundreds or, maybe, it's to rescue abused dogs and find them good homes.  Those were a couple of the examples in the book.

But it got me to thinking.

What is my life's meaning?  I used to think it was to have children and be an awesome mum.  I mean, that's been my life's dream since, well, BIRTH!!!  But...apparently life has a different plan for me.  And, most of the time, I'm okay with that.  But every so often...

I realize that, although I keep telling myself this, I am too old and too fat to ever have a baby of my own.  I mean, sure, there are women who get prego and have kids at my weight...but, in my mind, I could never do that to a child.  I don't want a baby to grow up with a mum who can't keep up, or who has health issues (not currently, but it can happen as I get older and if I get heavier), or even just a mum who's at least 10 years older than the norm.  I KNOW that these days women are waiting longer to have kids...often into their 40's.  And, maybe, that will eventually be me.  But there are other issues that I have to contend with besides just being fat....being infertile.

Most of you know this about me.  I've tried rounds of Clomid, charting temps, etc. etc.  But my problem is not infertility, itself, but the cause of it...polycystic ovarian syndrome, also known as PCOS.  Side effects of this are obesity (got that one covered, and then some!), infertility (check), excessive body hair (yeah, I have to shave my chin every day -- check), insulin resistance (check), amenorrhea (no periods, or very, very infrequent -- check), no ovulating (check).

Most of the time I try to tell myself that it's okay that I'm not going to have a baby.  But who am I really trying to kid?  Myself?  Because my SELF knows that that's not the case.  I YEARN for a baby.  I want a baby so bad I can taste it.  My arms have that perpetual emptiness that longs to be filled.  My heart weeps, hurts, feels that unrelenting, heart-rending, solid, constant anguish that only infertile women who want a baby this much can feel.  And I weep.  Almost daily, I weep.  I weep for what has been and what has been lost.  I weep for what is and what will be.  I weep.

I've considered adoption...but I need to lose weight for that to happen.  And yes, I'm surely and slowly losing it...but by the time I'm down to something more reasonable will ANY birth mother want to give her child to me, to us?  I hear about young girls in their teens who get pregnant and abandon their baby, or keep it and subject it to abuse either physically, mentally, or both.  I hear of young girls who have babies, period, who aren't ready...and really don't want to keep it...but they do due to outside influences.  There are people, much like my sister, who really should have never given birth, who have babies and abuse them mentally, on a daily basis.  I hear of people who have friends who had a baby and gave it to someone else...that easily.  No wait lists.  No wondering if someone will choose you to raise their child.  It just happened.  But it doesn't happen to me.  And god, I do wish it would.  I'd be such a great mum...and my husband would absolutely adore a child.

But...we have none.  And no luck.  So, we resort to adopting dogs.  And we do love our puppies, very much.  But it still hurts.  And it doesn't quite fill the ache in my heart.

Dammit, I deserve to be happy.

We weren't close since we left high school...but we went through kindergarten through high school together.  There's a certain amount of closeness that one achieves when that happens.  It may not mean a close friendship where you keep in touch on a regular basis....but it does mean that you have a kinship, of sorts.  Almost like extended family...because that's really what it is.  Family.

We were in kindergarten together...and I don't know how many classes after that.  We totaled around town in her VW Rabbit when we were 16...we talked about boys and dreams.

Neither of us imagined where our lives would be today...right now.  How could we?

Tasha, your heart may have given out but it lives on in your kids, friends, and family.

I had a drink tonight...and I did so in your memory.

Rest in peace, my friend.  Rest in peace.

Friday, July 9, 2010

We're on our way to a good hammered, here.  But we had a great time.

(I wonder why a good majority of our pics look just like this one...same setting....)

Hmmm, something to think about.

Or not.

School update

I was thinking about the fact that it was July a couple of nights ago (yes, I do think random stuff, on occasion), and remembered that this was the month that I was told they'd be going over the loan increase forms.  I was bored, it was 3am, so I thought, ok, I'll check the website and see the status of it.

I've been DECLINED.

The horror!  The outrage!  The LIE!

I keed, I keed....

Of COURSE, I got the increase!!!!!!  Peeps, you know what this means?!  It means I'm goin' back to school, again!!!  Yay!!!!!!  I'm so stoked.  Kurt was saying that even if I didn't get the increase we'd find a way to pay for it....we'd have been so broke we'd have had to move!  And eat dirt!  A lot of dirt.  Too much dirt.

I wonder how many calories are in dirt.  I bet I'd have lost weight!  Crap!  Maybe I'll try the dirt diet, anyway!!!


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Not literally, of course.  I mean, who does that???  But I do have some big news that I'm pretty darn proud of myself for.  I'm don't want the big pdf file of hundreds of names.  You just want mine.  Cuz I'm the importantest one here.  :D  (Yes, I know that's not a word, but this is MY blog and I can make up words, if I want to!)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

In spite of last night's bummer-ness...I woke up this morning with renewed determination.  And dammit, I was going to get back on the scales to see the damage.

I couldn't believe it!  300 on the nose!  Somewhere between shortly after midnight and 30 minutes ago (yeah, I know, I slept in) I LOST 2.5 pounds!  That makes me officially at my short term goal!  I'm so stoked I can barely contain myself!  Last week had some bumps like our anniversary and brownies on Saturday (ahem) but I did it!!!

Some of you know just how exciting this is for me.  OK....another STG needs to be set.  Ten pounds at a time.

Bummed out

Ok, so I snuck onto the scale a little bit ago in the hopes of being stoked that I was under 300.  No can do.

In fact!  I gained a pound.  I don't know what to do.  I'm so bummed, right now.

I know it's nighttime, and I should weigh in the morning and not the evening...but STILL...after a week...



Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Today I will be cleansing.  And peeing.  A lot.  Haha.

It happens when I cleanse and only drink the "special" drink...and water.  Lots of water.

Although...I've been drinking at least 3L of water each I'm kinda used to that by now!  :)

I see Nemo commandeered my blog last night.  Don't worry...I gave him a talkin' to.  He reciprocated by blowing me kisses and telling me he loves me.  A little green chicken after my own heart.

Monday, July 5, 2010


Hey. This is Nemo. That's right. My mom's the one who normally writes here but she's asleep and I'm typing this up on my Mac mini inside my tent. Hopefully she will never know.

Just to let everyone know, I'm the tough guy around here. I hate pretty much everyone except for mom. Sometimes I even give her a hard time just so she remembers who's really running the show. But I'm really a sweetheart at heart. If you keep your hands away from my cage.

Time to preen and head to bed. Birdie bedtime was hours ago and mom would be pretty mad if she knew I was awake.

More later.

LGC (Little Green Chicken)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

He needs a medal

My husband is a saint.  He just is.  In the time that I've stopped using anti-depressants my mood has been all over the place.  Not in a good way.  I feel it.  I know it.  And it's like I can't do anything to stop it.

I've given Isagenix time...but if I give it any MORE time then I'll have a divorce on my hands.  Well, maybe not that bad...but still.  I get bad.  Bitchy.  Major bitchy.  UBER bitchy.  And it just seems to be getting worse.

So, when Kurt gets his next check I'm heading to the dr to get a new prescription.  Hoping there's something else out there that doesn't make me gain weight...other than Wellbutrin, because THAT doesn't do shit for me.  But I do know that I need something. 

In the meantime...

Kurt, I love you.  Thank you for helping me get through this rough time.  You're irreplaceable.

Another issue with being this fat is that your back starts to ache.  And, oh, does it ache when I wake up in the morning.  It seems to be getting progressively worse.  I could blame the queen size bed (I'd kill for a king!), or I could blame the fact that when my husband sleeps alongside me I can't move around so much....instead, I'll simply call a spade a spade and admit that it's my weight.  At least part of it is.  OK, most of it.  That, and getting old.

Anyhoo...I wake up each morning soooooo achy.  This morning was the worst it's ever been.  I could hardly move.  I literally had to roll out of bed.  OK, I have to do that anyway cuz the bed's so high that I don't touch the floor.  But I digress.  I've never had to actually do stretching exercises once I was standing.  This morning?  I did.  I was thinking to myself, "Oh god!  What if I'm never back to my regular self again?!"  But, then I remembered that I'm not naturally all that limber ANYWAY...but still.

I hate being fat.  No, no...that's not right.  I don't hate being fat.  I don't like how being fat makes me feel.

(Much better.)

And I hate feeling bloated.  Today, I've been bloated.  No, I take that back.  Bloated since yesterday.  Just feel like crap's in my tummy and it hasn't moved along.  Well, some stuff has....believe you me.  But that's something I will try to keep out of this blog entry...this time.  Anyway, you know that feeling like you're really full...but you've hardly ate anything?  That's how I feel.

I've not weighed myself since Wednesday.  I'm trying to force myself to wait for a week between because sometimes it's a let-down, when I see it.  And I know that with Kurt home over this long weekend (AGAIN!) it won't be so good for me.  Doesn't help that we have cheap food in the house, either.  Starch....carbs....argh!!!  WHY does the healthy food cost so much???  WHY???  WHY????  Someone tell me????

So anyway, back to the topic at back aches these days.  Any other fatties having that issue?

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Dear blog

I just looked down at my arm and saw one of those relatively harmless flat shell beetle looking things looking at me from about 5 inches from my face.  Needless to say, after I shrieked, bringing the dogs running, it didn't live long.  It was rather therapeutic watching it wiggle as it flushed down the toilet.


This post does not have anything to do with the NICE person that I say that I am in THIS post's #5.  Scary bugs are except!