I threw out my back a week or so ago.  It's the first time I've done that before and it's a real pain in the ass.  Or back.  Whichever.  I guess I'm lucky that it hasn't happened before now what with all the weight I'm carrying around.  I went to the doctor yesterday and he loaded me up with meds.  I wish there were some other way to deal with it than that.  I've never been keen on taking a crapload of medication for one thing or another.

Anyhoo...Kurt said I have to learn to not stress so much.  That I can only do all that I can do and nothing more.  With that being said...I'm trying not to worry so much about the job front.  Although it'd sure be nice to have a few extra bucks to hit happy hour on the weekends.  We might go Sunday night, though.  We had a little extra money come in from my last work check from before I moved so that's nice.

So it's been almost 2 weeks since moving here and I'm still jobless.  I was so hoping that I'd have found something...anything...by now.  So much for wishing, eh?  I'm hoping the next week will bring me good luck!

I know it's just been a little more than a week but I really was hoping I'd have found work by now.  As every day goes by I feel more and more discouraged.  All I need is something with 20 hours a week.  I'm not asking for uber high pay or benefits.  Simply a few hours each week doing SOMETHING.

I've prepared a letter to go out to local vets in hopes that they'll need help washing cages or walking dogs or something.  Here's hoping it works.

Have you ever went clothes shopping for plus sizes or know anyone who has?  Why is it that there are so many synthetic materials (read polyester) in fattie clothes?  Do we look like we need to step out of a 70's fashion mag?  No.  Then WTF???  We sweat enough in the summer months that we don't need the added bonus of wearing non breathable material.  I mean really people!

I PLEAD with the clothing manufacturers of the world....the world consists of more "overweight" people than underweight these days.  Make something fashionable and comfy for us!  I BEG of you!

I do a lot of shopping at Lane Bryant.  I like the classy looks and styles and that they're tailored for my type of body.  However, 80% of it is synthetic.  A little breathable fabric would be great in 100+ temperatures.  Who can I talk to about this unthinkable act?  Or maybe ask WHY???  Because really...just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm not fashion conscious or enjoy a nice silk against my fat rolls.  C'mon clothes designers out there!  Get with the proggie!  Fat people like to spend money, too!

I've been busy today.  Got my final paperwork in to the school for
financial aid and made an appointment with a staffing agency for work
for Wednesday.  Oh that reminds me...I need to also make an appointment
with my dr. here so that I can get my meds refilled.  And call my dr in
Utah and get my records transferred.  Moving is a pain sometimes.  But
worth it!



I've been trying to find this dr. that a friend referred me to a couple
of years ago here.  I can't find the paper with the name on it
anywhere!  Argh!  And finding a random physician in Reno is such a pain
in the ass.  It's like throwing a dart and seeing where it lands.  I
don't MIND the dr I'm seeing now...my hubs and I have been seeing him
for several years now.  But I'd prefer someone closer to home.  Ahhh
well.  I guess it's not in the cards.

Friday night I went out with my husband drinking at our fave bar.  We had a ton of fun.  We always say we're just going for happy hour and end up staying a little past.  The guys behind the bar are so much fun...it's hard to leave in the middle of it all.

I learned the following day, as I always do, that my 36 year old body cannot party like it was 26 anymore!  Ugh!  I've turned into a lightweight on my hiatus away from here...it's time to step it back up a notch!

I was talking with some co-workers a while back and I brought up the subject of wondering what life would be life had money or a money system never been invented.  If life existed with everyone helping everyone else with no intent to gain because there would never be envy.

If people never started "trading" way back thousands of years ago.  If people didn't need money now.  There would be no recessions, no mortgages, no keeping up with the joneses.  Life would be so much more simple and pleasant.  Life would be different.

Think about it...how would it be?

Comment...talk amongst yourselves...I'd love feedback!

Blind Phil: Are you ok?  You sound like you've ran a marathon!
Me: I'm fat, Phil!  I walked in from the parking lot!

I'm such a sarcastic bitch sometimes.  Hehe.  He was at my wedding...he wasn't blind then.  He knows me!

When one door closes another one opens.  Or so the saying goes.

I said goodbye to the past year and a half of my life yesterday morning and headed back home.  I look back and see how much my life has changed in just that small amount of time.  How much that I'VE changed.  It's scary that I was so different to begin with.

When I got to my hometown where my folks live I was beaten down and almost hopelessly lost as a cause.  I had so much going on against me that I didn't know if I'd ever make it up.  And, I admit, there were times when I was suicidal.  I'm not ashamed of the fact...it just reminds me of how much I've changed since then.  When I think about whether I'd have changed any of it...part of me wishes that I could take back the last 5 years and do them over.  But then again...I don't.  I like who I've become.  I like what I plan to become.  I love my family and my critters.

I know I'm not who I thought I'd be 25 years ago...but I'm so much more.  And I'm so grateful for that.

As I watched in the mirror my folks waving goodbye I realized that it was time.  This chapter is over.  I'm ready to start the next one.  And when I wiped the tear from the corner of my eye...I knew I was making the right decision.  And I'm so grateful for my husband who never gave up on me...and always knew the woman I have always been.

As I sit here at work on my final day here I'm torn between various feelings of excitement, trepidation and sadness.  It reminds me that life is not without closing doors and opening windows, so to speak.  Often they're not of our own accord and sometimes they are.  I'm going into this situation with my eyes and mental state open to a new life ahead of me. 

I will miss the people that I have met and created friendships here over the past year and a half but I look forward to forging new friendships with new people back home...and for getting on with my life with my husband.  As a family again.  It's time.  We've both grown so much from this time apart.  A fragile marriage has been rebuilt with even stronger ties and for that alone I am grateful for the last couple of years.

I never imagined myself moving back home for a recuperation period in my life.  In fact, I always said I'd never return here to live again.  That shows me to never say never!  I'm grateful for my mom (as annoying as she can be) and my step-dad for taking me in when I most needed change in my life...and for allowing me to stay for as long as I have in order to grow.  I still want to kill my mom sometimes but the distance will definitely help with that!  I will miss my step-dad the most.  He's been very supportive of what I've been trying to achieve with my life.

I do look towards the future with a little fear in that I will need to start job hunting yet again.  And for us fatties it's a difficult task, indeed.  There is so much discrimination in the business world when it comes to that kind of thing.  But I have a few ideas as to how to approach the situation and hopefully one of them will yield positive results.

To my co-workers that I am leaving...thank you for accepting me.  There are others who were better at it than some but I was enveloped with a sense of security which was what I needed at the time.  My life was chaotic and I found peace at work.  A lot of people don't like working there...I truly enjoyed getting up each weekday at 4am to go in...my friends are there.  And I'm thankful for Facebook in that I can have the chance to keep in touch with them.

So...with my days coming to an end here in my hometown I say goodbye to my past...and welcome to the future.

Is America really the land of opportunity for everyone?  I don't think so.  It's the land of opportunity for those with money to make things happen.  If you're poor...you can't afford schooling or manage to get a good job that allows you to not only save but move up in the world.  You're stuck.

Land of maybes....yes, sure.  Land of opportunity for the rich?  Definitely.  And that, my friends, pisses me off.  How did America get this way?  When did it become this way?  Back when it was founded it was meant to always be full of opportunities.  How sad that it is no longer like that.

There is one thing good that has come of my stay here and that is that I've been a regular at getting massages at the local massage college.  Cheap and wonderful.  I know many big people who don't like the idea of getting a massage due to bad body image...do not let that stop you...PLEASE!!!  Professional massage benefits everyone...all body types.  It's soothing, relaxing, releases bad toxins that build up and it's generally just a very good experience.  I wish more fatties like me would get out there and do it.  Support massage therapists...support yourself!  You deserve to pamper yourself every once in a while!

So I guess you can guess that I had a great massage earlier this evening.  The girl who did it was about halfway through her studies so she was pretty good.  I asked for something  nice and relaxing and when I asked for her to go deeper she obliged.  I think in all the times I've went for massages I've only had one really terrible one.  And even the worst ones you get something out of....who doesn't enjoy touch?  Massage?  What's funny is that they always have issues with draping my legs.  I have uber fat legs cuz of my shortness and they have problems with the sheet tucking behind my knees.  Haha.  I end up helping them out most of the time.  Although the girl today learned by the last time she did it.  She had it DOWN.  I was impressed!

Go get your massage!  Massage is always a good idea!

So today was the first day back to work after my extended weekend.  And I handed in my notice of resignation.  When I came here I never dreamed in a million that I'd be here this long.  I wasn't supposed to be.  It was to be a break from my "life" such as it was back then.  A few weeks at the most.  Maybe find a job through the holidays and that was it.  And then I began working for the company that I do.  I liked it.  Brainless, monotonous....entertaining and fun.  I loved interacting with the people and with my co-workers.  And so it was with great fear and trepidation that I turned in my letter today to my boss.  I almost started crying.  I will miss it there.  In my cubicle on the 2nd floor.  I will miss the people that I work with and the familiar.  I won't miss the discrimination and gossip-mongering.

I am afraid that I am committing job suicide by quitting but this has been needing to happen for some time.  I can only hope that I am able to find work quickly once I return back home.  It has me excited...and very, very scared.  I don't like being out of work...and I don't like the thought of being out of work in these hard times.  I must press on!