Dear blog...

I'm so sorry that I've neglected you so much this past month, or so. Things have been kind of crazy in my life. And even when it wasn't crazy, I just didn't feel like blogging about it. Finding the right words to define something that I have no idea how to define is kind of hard...so sometimes, I just have to say enough for now. Of course, I have kept up on every single Hot 100 posts...even whilst on holiday over Thanksgiving. (I'm aiming to get those peppers!) Ha.

The semester ended a couple of weeks ago with me receiving a 4.0 GPA. I was pretty excited about this fact, because doing so well in math has helped me have a more positive attitude about it all. I'm actually starting to actually LIKE math. *Gasp* Yes, I did say like. I like how there's no gray areas in math....it's cut and dried. This is how you do it, this is the answer. There are no exceptions. Yada yada. I'm surprising myself at how much I'm truly enjoying it.

The last month of the semester I was also working on my English paper...and it was the hardest one that I've had to write, so far. I was stressing over it and just really hoping that it was good enough for an A. I struggled with it...but, alas, I shouldn't have. Everything turned out just fine.

I randomly got a call from my dad about a month ago, as well. He was drunk at the time, and it was hard to talk to him like that. Apparently it's been colder than he's used to where he lives and since he only has warm weather clothes, he doesn't go out in it. So instead of getting his daily exercise and social time he stays holed up inside and drinks beer and smokes all day. This is not a good activity for anyone...but especially him. It prevents him from having any human contact, as well as all that beer is causing him to put on weight again. And he's going just a little senile, as well. He has these crazy conspiracies about people out to get him.

Anyway, during the conversation I asked him if he had decided whether or not he was going to come to Reno to visit us over xmas. He started rambling on about how he doesn't owe Reno anything and Reno doesn't owe him...and that he left Reno on a bad note. Now, when my dad and I first started talking again after so many years, he kept telling me that there were things that he wanted to tell me about that time...but that he was waiting for the right time. Suddenly, I think he believes he's already told me. When I asked him why he left Reno, he told me, "I've already told you, Shauna, but you just never listen..." I told him that he hadn't told me anything about what went on when we hadn't seen each other...and once again, in his drunken slur and booze induced, über emotional way, he once again tells me that I never listen to him when he talks. Where the hell does he get that shit from??? Maybe when I was 14 and thought I knew more than he did...but that's certainly not the case NOW!

Needless to say, it really affected me and now I'm afraid to call him to talk because I worry that he'll start on another tirade again. I didn't see or talk to my dad for 14 years...I had no idea where he was, or what he was doing. I had no idea if he was even alive. I'm enjoying getting to know him while we're both adults, but this crap with him thinking this stuff about me is over and above....

The holidays are rarely good for me these days. With each year that passes, I see my friends' kids growing up, celebrating xmas, settling into a quiet suburbian life, whilst K and I are struggling with my being unemployed and going to school. We don't celebrate xmas because we have no money. People say that it's about giving and not receiving.... Well...we don't have money to give...therefore we don't receive. We received 2 gifts this year, one from my mom and step-dad, and one from our wonderful friends, Richard and Holly. The generosity from the latter never ceases to amaze us. K and Richard essentially grew up together and it hasn't been until we added them both on Facebook that we began to be more involved with them and their lives, and vice versa. My mom and step-dad sent us a check with a note to spend it on something fun for ourselves. Well, most of us know what happens with checks. It gets deposited in the bank and bills get paid. I tried to explain to her that we need things from our wish list...and that there were plenty of GC's on there to choose from...but alas, we got a check...which went towards our power bill, I believe. :) Hey...it was used for a good cause, at least.

It's funny, really, but ever since I met my step-dad he'd started giving me a Starbucks gift card every xmas. Then last year he forgot and I mentioned it to him over Thanksgiving while we were visiting. He said he could have swore he'd sent me one last year and that he'd be sure to remember this year. What he doesn't realize is that THAT is the ONE thing that I look forward to every year. Not money, not anything else. The one thing that I have found the most enjoyment in was the Starbucks card that he used to send. What can I say? I'm a SB girl! So I was pretty excited for this year's card...I thought for sure that he'd send me one. But he didn't. I know that I should never expect something like that...it makes me seem rather frivolous and greedy...but I couldn't help (and still can't) but feel let down and despondent about not receiving one. When one doesn't even receive a gift of any sort from her husband, there are very few things that one can look forward to....that was mine.

Add to all of that the fact that I'm married to scrooge, whom doesn't appreciate even decorating or carols...and it makes for a very sad and very depressing time of year. I'm very happy to see the end in sight so that we can get on with our lives....and hopefully this year will bring more cheer than this last one.

We attended an xmas eve Christian service with our friends, Richard and Holly, and had a fun time. We went over to their house afterward and had pizza and eggnog and rum. The company was fun, the atmosphere was certainly more pleasant than at our house, and for once, I felt a bit of the spirit of the holiday. It was good.