My sister and I have always been opposites. She was tall and thin to my short and fat, that one was always obvious; but there were other differences, also.



I wish I could say that I always knew she'd have my back...but that wasn't the case. Not then and not now. There was always the invisible line of her life and mine and they rarely overlapped except in the instance of family.

Lisa, it seemed, drew the short stick when it came to education. She was never as smart as I was and she envied that about me. Meanwhile, I envied the fact that she always seemed to gain our parents favor by doing things to get herself into trouble. I was always the good kid and my parents knew that and never had to worry about me. Now, I see that as a good thing. Back then, it just made me jealous.

I'd love to say that presently we're best of friends and have found a lot that we have in common. I wish I could say that. But I can't. Lisa loves her VERY country home in the middle of nowhere on a mountain where the nearest bit of civilization is 30 minutes down winding roads of a mountain and the nearest neighbor is 15 minutes away. I love my urban life in Reno. Love it! I would never be able to live the life that my sister does. And this past week of staying with her has proven that fact time and again to myself.

I love my sister, I do. But having nothing in common doesn't exactly help in bringing us together. She loves horses, I love shopping. She doesn't like kids (although she has a couple) and I love them. She loves cats (a LOT of them!) and I love dogs. We're night and day. Oil and water.

Lisa and I are sisters. We're friends. We're acquaintances. But if I'm in trouble or just need someone to talk to I'd never pick up the phone to call her. It's just not the way that it is.

It's a shame. I miss having a sister.

In the final paper of my diversity class we reflected back upon the semester and what we'd learned and the experiences that we'd went through to get there.

I felt it imperative that I write about the friends that I'd made in the class...most especially one.  Her name is Sarah.  If we had more in common we'd be besties in another dimension.  Haha.

This is Sarah!


Anyway, she sent me her paper before she submitted it to see what I thought (we did this often to exchange ideas, etc.) and she said the sweetest thing about me.  I asked her if I could write about it on my blog and she agreed...and then it got put on my blog topic to-do list.  (Yeah, I have a list of stuff to talk about...don't you?)

Anyway, this is so sweet...this is what she wrote about me:

...In all honesty I connected with one person who is absolutely wonderful!! Shauna actually helped me break out of my shell she would constantly get me talking in class and ask me questions about being gay or this or that. She is completely comfortable with whom she is and has no fear talking about it, and if she is scared or upset she does a damn good job of hiding it. She really showed me to have no fear of what everyone else thinks and just be me, I mean hell if she likes me I am doing pretty good.

It's always worried me that I would never make an impact on people.  Yes, I worry about that kind of thing.  I know one person who does that in my life and I want to be like her.  Her name is Norma and she is my mother-in-law.  I want to leave this world one day and know that I did my best to be kind to everyone, to be respectful and non-judgmental to the best of my abilities.  I don't hate and I want others to see that about me.  Unfortunately, when you're morbidly obese people tend to not look at you like that, you get more disgusted looks than anything else.

Anyway, I wanted Sarah to know that she greatly affected my life in the past semester, as well.  Thank you for being so accepting of ME.  You're a kind-hearted woman and I hope that in whatever journey you choose for your life that you find peace.  I do hope we are able to keep in touch.

Btw, Sarah, remember the first day of class when I asked if you'd ever heard the song, Sara Smiles by Hall & Oates?  You couldn't remember but thought MAYBE your mom had played it for you once when you were little?  This is for you!


Press play to listen if you're COOL!

Hi, my name is Shauna and I'm addicted...to Farmville.

Last night I woke up from a dream about FARMING and trying to think how I can plant and harvest over the course of the next couple of weeks.  Is that sick, or what?  (Or what, right?)

I've succumbed to the horribleness of Facebook gaming...and have become whom I always said that I wouldn't...a Farmville freak.



There, it's said.  It's out there.

Now I can deal and move on.

And continue to figure out what times would be best for harvesting!

I will be leaving home for the great South East of the country (a.k.a. Oklahoma) to visit with my sister and niece.  I'll be leaving Reno via Amtrak tomorrow afternoon and arriving in Salt Lake City around 4am, where my mom will pick me up.  I'll chillax there for the day (get a massage), visit (get a massage), watch a large TV (get a massage), visit with my mom and step-dad (get a massage), maybe get a frappuccino (get a massage), and miss my husband and babies, dearly.

My husband will not be joining me on this trip because we are unable to board the critters (no money!) so he's staying back home with our mini family whilst I go off on this road trip.

Yes...that's right.  We're driving.  And I've got my camera.  Do you know what that means?  It means over the next couple of weeks you'll be inundated, hopefully not TOO much, with pics of my road trip, and such.  I mean, if we pass through a town that boasts the biggest ball of twine in the country...we're stopping for pics.  Haha.  It should be interesting.

I've got an iPod full of great tunage and my book.  And I've got my sunglasses.  I'll be chill.

You'll see.  There will be no murders on this trek.  At all.

Nope.

None.

None.

None.

Maybe.

Wow...a very young Hugh Jackman sings Oklahoma!

Wow...just wow.  This is not good.  We're a fat country.  We always knew it...we talk about it...but we never see the numbers.  This is terrible!

Today I was at the dentist having my teeth cleaned and my jaw started getting all sore, as it usually does, about halfway through.  When I half-heartedly joked about it to my hygienist she asked if I wanted something called a bite block...something that props the mouth open so I don't have to hold it open and my jaw can rest.  How cool!  How ingenious!  I told her that yes, I would love to try one!

So off she goes to collect one.  She came back and began to fit it into my mouth when she says..."now, of course these are from the children's sizes."

(Silence)

Children's sizes?  Wait a minute!  This isn't fair!  WHY am I short, like a child, have small hands and feet, like a child, and yet am over 300 pounds???  It's obvious that I'm something's idea of a sick and twisted joke!  I mean, really!  If the main part of me is huge...you'd THINK the rest of me would be, as well, in comparison.  No? 

Irony can bite my big, white bum!  I'm SO not amused.

The upside is that I don't have any cavities.  Woohoo.

Last night, dead asleep around 2am I'm awoken by a...quacking duck!  Disoriented, I think I'm on a farm...till I remember...

It's the dogs' toy duck.  It quacks when squished.  Emily was next to the bed and she rolled over onto it.

Silly quacker!

So many of you know that I've been following Molly and Mcgee's little family of owlets since they hatched.  Well...they're not tiny and bobbley anymore!  They're sitting out on their perch and flapping their wings...I imagine before the end of the night or tomorrow night they'll be taking the mini flight over to the fledge platform where there's a lot more room to chillax.  I'll probably miss the first flight because that's just my luck and all...but these little guys have the whole world watching!  Their popularity has a lot to do with Carlos, the guy who's owl box it belongs to, and his wonderful thoughtfulness of putting web cams in and around the box with night cams and such for all of us to peek at this growing brood.  Seriously...if you have not yet peeked in on these guys...it's a great time to do so!

Click the pic to take you to their site:

I just finished watching this movie and found it amazing.  Of course it didn't make ME cry because no animals were dying or sick in it.  But I can see how many others would...including my husband.  Haha.

These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections - sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent - that happened after I was gone.  And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it.  The events my death brought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future.  The price of what I came to see as this miraculous lifeless body had been my life.  -Susie Salmon, The Lovely Bones

This past week has been crazy for me.  It was finals on both Monday and Wednesday with a big paper due on Tuesday, as well; so I've been kind of chilling yesterday and today, enjoying the beautiful Spring weather and not having to worry about classes.

But today I woke up and felt that hungry gnaw in the pit of my stomach that means that I'm bored.  It drum home the fact that I'm out of work and nobody wants to hire a fat woman.  It brings home the fact that I really needed school to get me out of the house because, otherwise, I have nothing to do that for.  Nowhere to go.  Nothing to do.  No friends to chill with on a regular basis.  I want friends, again!

I have a hugely dirty house and it's so hard for me to find the energy to clean it...or go through things to separate them out for the yard sale that I'm determined to have this Summer.  It's hard when you're heaving around 300+ pounds of chub.

I'll be starting the Phentermine tomorrow.  It's the week's mark of not having taken any anti-depressants and I'm stoked.  It should help me find a lot of the energy that I'm not feeling, right now.

One of the goals that I've been saying I'm going to do this summer is learn how to knit.  I guess there are videos on YouTube that show you how and so I'll be studying those and starting that.  I've always wanted to learn.  There are so many nifty things that you can make if you know how to knit.  Cool scarves, honestly, I'm a scarf girl so I really DO like scarves!  Heavy slipper socks (my feet are always freezing).  And maybe, someday, a baby blanket.  Something to pass on, you know?  So, that's my goal.  Now, to afford the yarn and needles!  *Sigh*  Being poor really does suck.

No coupon needed.  Expires May 19.  Go now!  Don't think...GO!

Click the picture above to take you to the free download page.  If you love to relax to the sounds of a native American flute...this is it for you!

Click the bird to take you to the page to order.

Visit the Veria web site and take a short survey to receive a signature incense kit. The survey only took me about 3-4 minutes to complete.

*Don't get the music downloads...it takes you to a music site that wants a credit card before you can redeem your coupon code for your 2 free songs.*

**Void in Texas and Tennessee


Jose Cuervo :: Landing


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I've gotten bored with my usual haunts for photo shoots so I'm going to drive around Reno looking for spots that not only have an abundance of wild flowers (preferably in a field but deserts aren't known for fields of wildflowers) but also spots that have an urbany edge to them.  I'm considering putting an ad on CL about being a plus-size photographer and exclusively doing that and senior citizens.  There's a market out there for those areas and nobody's really hitting them much.  I think I'll work on it a bit more.

So in my travels today I'll probably head up Mt. Rose towards Tahoe...I hear there's a wildflower field up there somewhere.  We'll see about that!

I just took my last Celexa half.  No more anti-depressants!  Woohoo!  I'm so stoked about this.  And I've been feeling great since beginning the weaning process.  I had a couple of side effects in the beginning when I first cut back but those lasted 3 days at the most.  I'm so glad to be off of those things...and back on the up-swing of my life.  :)

So, since I've finished them, I'll be waiting for a week before starting my phentermine (per the pharmacist's suggestion) to ensure that it's completely out of my system.  I suspect once I start taking it that my weight will really start plummeting...especially since I'll be exercising on a regular basis, and sticking with my Isagenix.  I'm really excited to get there.

I didn't update yesterday cuz I didn't feel like it...but I did my 5 days in a row of exercise!  And I'm stoked about it!  I'll pick it back up on Monday, don't let me slack it off!  My doctor wants me to eventually get up to 1 hour of cardio, 5 days a week.  That seems a bit much if you ask me but I guess nobody's askin'!  Haha.

These are great.  You can pick it up from the store on the same day!
Free 8x10 collage from Walgreens. Expires 5/8.

Today is day four of my 1 mile walk.  I'm on a roll, people!

Today was the last day of my diversity class.  It was my favorite class this semester...hell, since I started school.  Oh sure, the numerous papers I could have done without, but the class itself was awesome.  Christopher Koch, the instructor, encouraged class discussions on otherwise taboo topics in a way that made us all quite comfortable with ourselves and each other.  It will be a shame to not go to that class, anymore.

I'm bummed.

This one's for Christopher!

Today was day 2 of my one mile per day goal.  Go me!

That's all.

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A friend recently asked me if blogging was cathartic for me.  She also mentioned that it must take a bit of confidence to put myself out there.

So I started thinking about what blogging means to me.

Is it cathartic?  I'd say yes, indeed.  But it's fun, too.  I've always enjoyed writing and have done so since I was young.  It started with dogz and katz and progressed to what it is today.  In junior high and high school I loved to write short stories.  I remember always having a story in the works and my classmates would always bug me to read the latest installment.  I can't say I'm still in such high demand...but I do still love writing.  And I've moved from fiction to, well, blogging about myself and my life.  I'm an expert at my life.  Being short and fat?  Ask me anything and I can draw from my vast personal experience for the answer.  I love to blog.

I love to blog.  I love to write down things that happen to me.  Sometimes I have a lot to say, as it seems that I do lately when I SHOULD be studying for finals!  (EEK!)  And sometimes I will go a couple of weeks without saying much at all.  Sometimes it's because I'm busy, or out of town, or sometimes it's just cuz I'm not exciting to myself enough to write about.  Haha.

What do I consider unique about my blog in particular?  Well, most fatties who keep blogs are keeping it weight-loss based.  My blog isn't about weight loss.  Granted, I am trying to lose weight...but that's not the gist of it.  The gist is what my life is about, and has been about since childhood* -- being short and fat.

Does it take confidence to write about myself and put it out there on the world wide web for anyone to access?  A bit, yes.  But I really don't think of it like that.  I enjoy hearing from readers...I enjoy hearing what they have to say or input that they can give on any topic that I've decided to write about at any given time.**  Besides, like I told her, it's still got a modicum of anonymity unless you know me personally in one form or another.


*Still waiting for that growth spurt that they promised me would happen when I hit puberty!
**That's a hint people....more comments, please!!!  We all like reading about ourselves!

After my diversity class today I was leaving the building when I heard a bird singing in the trees next to the entrance. Normally, as most people do, I'd have continued on after taking note of the lovely sound...but today, as lately I've been prone to do...I decided to stop and listen. My eyes sought out the musical culprit in the tree and I smiled.

Maybe it's because I have two parrots at home that makes me enjoy birds more than the average person. Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm an animal lover and can appreciate every creature's individual gift to the world. Whatever it is....I love to listen and watch birds. Their antics are fun and amusing and I love that they're just as happy splashing around in a puddle of water as they are in a small pile of dirt. I love watching them interact with each other at the feeder in my front yard and I enjoy taking their photos. We have all kinds of birds that visit us...Finches, Robins, Doves, Chickadees, Blue Jays and even pigeons (although I generally shoo the pigeons away). They're all so beautiful in their own rights...including the pigeons! Have you ever noticed the gorgeous iridescent colored feathers on pigeons? Or the shockingly black and white feathers on Chickadees? Have you ever noticed how cunning the jay birds are in hiding their precious treasures around the yard? They remember where they've hidden EVERYTHING!

Anyway, they remind me that life is much less complex if I stop and listen to the simple things. I suggest that in the coming week we all take a moment at some point to stop and enjoy a flowering bush, a bird's call, a child's laugh on the playground, or a friend's touch to let you know that they're there and that they empathize.

F-A-T

It's just a word.  To some it packs more of a punch than to others.  It used to be that way for me.  Now?  Now I LIKE when little ones come up to me and tell me that I'm fat.  It allows me to open up a discussion about the way people look and how everyone has feelings no matter if they're socially acceptable, or not.  (In simpler terms, of course!)

F-A-T

It generally implies ugliness in people's minds.  They can't help it...it just does.  Society has TOLD us that fat is ugly.  To me, fat is only ugly when associated with gluttony.  Most of the fat people that I know are not gluttonous.  They're just people.  Unhappy with how they look.  Unhappy with the hand that life has dealt them.

F-A-T

Recently for a diversity paper that I was working on I came across a site that was pretty insightful as to how biased you are regarding different people.  Click here to take one of the tests.  It was surprisingly useful...not only towards my paper, but for me as a whole.  Mostly because I found that even I tend to have a slightly negative bias against fat people.  Go figure!  I always thought I wasn't that way...but even I have fell victim to some of society's norms.  I don't like it.

F-A-T

It's easy to be termed fat in the medical profession.  Most people are considered overweight to obese and don't even realize it.  Those are the people who always need to lose 30 pounds.  That's not a lot.  At least not when you compare it to what I need to lose!

FAT
CAT
SAT
on
a
MAT.

Just words, people.  Not an epithet.  Not a derogatory word.  Just a word.  A simple word.  A word that they teach youngsters learning to read.  Don't read more into it than really needs to be there.  It's only a word.  Learn new words like....considerable, oleaginous, stubby, grandiose, avoirdupois, corpulent, great, hefty, rotund, stout, weighty....prize, rich, splendid, stupendous, superfluous....PRIDE.  Fat can be fun.  I like to refer to myself as avoirdupois....it makes people look at me silly.

Next time...try it.  Have fun.  And be happy.  As one of the greatest people I've had the pleasure of meeting likes to say...Life IS Good!

Today I walked one mile.  I'm proud of myself for that.  I'll be even MORE proud if I can keep doing it every day for 5 days each week.  What sucks is just how tired one mile of walking makes me.  And how asthmatic I get afterward.  I have asthma when I exercise.  I guess it's a fairly common phenomena.  It's because I'm fat.  A growing phenomena.  Go figure.  Add one more to the growing list of ailments that happen when one is uber fat.  Or, as doctors like to say, MORBIDLY obese.  Ohhh, I'm MORBID, now???

When I think of morbid I think...evilness, fetish, dark...gothic.  I certainly don't think of fat...except when it's paired with obese.  I suppose it just goes to show that sometimes it's not how you look but, well, how you look!

My verson of morbid:


The fat version of morbid:

I always hate writing these kinds of entries because I feel really guilty.  I had Jack in the Box today.  I feel disgusting for it...but it was so darn good!  I used that deli trio free sandwich offer from a few entries down and also got an iced coffee and small fry.  I know it could have been worse...but it's bad enough.  I feel disgusting.

I still haven't religiously been exercising...and I know that I need to.  I need to really bad.  It's hard to muster up the zest to do it, though.

Now that it's out....and I've come clean...

Back to the drawing board.

Tomorrow I'll be cleansing.  *Gag, barf, gag*

Know that this is happening RIGHT NOW. That all of the world’s food can feed every single living human, yet we’re not trying to do what’s in our power to turn that theory into practice.

This picture makes me sad.  This is a great juxtaposition of extremes.