It feels like it has been forever since I last blogged.  And, I suppose it has, in a way.  Oh, I know I've had my long spells before...but those were different.  Don't ask me how...they just were.  Haha.

Anyway, my mom was here visiting for a little over a week.  She flew in to help with the yard sale and to help me get my house cleaned up a little and put in order.  Now, that does't sound so bad if you're a normal sort of slob.  Which, I'm not.  I'm never normal.  Normal is boring!  Nope...my house is like a hazmat location.  Seriously.  Well, maybe not that bad...but you get the idea.  We have a large back room attached to the back of the house.  It used to be the patio in back, but at some point it was made into a large extra room.  It was packed almost to the rafters with boxes and other miscellaneous crap.  Stuff that we'd put in there shortly after we moved in...and never touched it since.  It's been worrying at my mind for years to get it cleaned up...but it was such a big job that I was always so daunted by it all.  My husband was not very supportive...relying on me to gain momentum and motivation to get it done...and that, in itself, was another big reason for why it was never cleaned up.  So anyway, after the yard sale...we concentrated on that room.  And now?  Now it's like a whole other place in there!  My mom had initially thought that we'd get it cleaned up and put in order in a day or less...little did SHE know!  It took us about a week to get it all done.  Granted, among the time we spent back there, we also did a bit of cleaning up in my kitchen, bedroom, and living room.  I feel like we truly got something accomplished back there, though, and it feels amazing! 

In all the time that my mom was in town, the only days that I missed my treadmill were the ones that the yard sale was on.  And those days I was lifting and moving heavy boxes all over so I still got my exercise in.  As soon as Monday came back around I was back on the treadmill doing my thing.  I did weigh myself last Sunday and had a gain...but it's ok.  It was also my TOTM.  I know, right???  About friggin' TIME!!!!  It's been over a YEAR since the last one and so I knew that the gain was probably because of that.  Thank you, Metformin!!!

Anyway, back to the treadmill...I don't know which day it is...but I'm up to 50 minutes on there now.  Slowly getting up to the one hour mark.  Woohoo!  And now I don't dread going back there, either, cuz the room's all nice and clean.

I was also online to print out my class schedule and discovered that my first class begins tomorrow!  I'm so glad I thought to get on there and check!  So, I'll be going to my Spanish class tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to it, actually.  Should be fun. I hope it's fun.  It'll be fun!

This Wednesday my mom is flying in for a visit.  She's going to be helping me go through my house and get ready for the yard sale that I'm having this coming weekend.  My husband and I have been saying that we wanted to do this for 10 years now...well this year is the year!  Haha.  MAYBE just MAYBE I'll get my back room cleared out and cleaned up so that we can freakin' walk back there!  That'd be so nice!!!

Anyway, mom's coming to visit.  Poor K has to sleep on the sofa so I can share the bed with her.  I feel bad kicking him out of his own bed, ya know?  But we don't have anywhere else to sleep.  It's so darn small here.  I can't wait till we have money again so we can move into a house with a yard.  It's good to have goals, right?  Sigh.

Upside, is that in 15 days my classes start.  I've signed up for math, english and Spanish for beginners!  I figure if I can follow through with the spanish lessons that I will be more of an asset in my career than if I didn't speak it.  And I've got a great friend who speaks Spanish as a 1st language, who can help me.  :D  Gotta love that!

Today marks the 2 week mark of treadmill'ing.  I'm so damn proud of myself for stickin' to it.  And today...oooh, it was a close one.  I had a lunch appointment at noon with my friend, Angela, and I woke up at almost 11.  My normal routine comprises a wake up, breakfast shake, then right to treadmill.  Well...I kept reasoning with myself that I didn't have time to do my 45 minute workout and shower and drink my shake so I'd skip today.  Just one day wouldn't hurt.  Right?  These were the thoughts running around in my head.  And then I gave myself a mental slap.  Just because I didn't have time for my FULL workout didn't mean I couldn't do one at all!  So I determined I'd get on for 20 minutes.  So as I was putting on my shape-ups I got a text from my friend saying she was STILL in line at the DMV and could we push lunch to 2 o'clock!  I was elated!  Now I could still get in my normal workout!  Suhweet!

So here I am...sweaty, salty, and feeling awesome, because I didn't cave in to my inner thoughts.  Those things can be such tricky bastards, ya know?

And I realized something, too, whilst treading away....  On the days when I try to make the most excuses and least feel like walking...those are the days that I need it the most.  I can't give up on being healthy.  I just can't.  My goal is loss...not gain.  And I can do it!

On a side note...on Saturday I treated myself to a Wendy's baja salad.  They don't have the southwestern ones, anymore. :(  But it's almost the same...but instead of cheese and sour cream you get pico de gallo and guacamole!  I love quacamole!  And this stuff is spicy!  You still get the chili, of course.  And may I just say that this salad was do delicious??  I was tempted to order a pizza...but I opted for the salad.  I'm so happy that I did.  I can feel much better about myself for it.

So we got our main computer back today.  Yep, yep...we're stoked about that.

And this morning when I weighed myself, I'd lost another 4 pounds...so I've lost 10.5 in total, so far.  I'm stoked about that, too.

I'm still walking every day on my treadmill for 45 minutes...and I'm stoked about that.

My clutch is going out on my car.  I'm SO not stoked about that.  It's soft and smooshy and I'm so tired of us having all the bad luck.  It's not fair!  When is someone ELSE gonna get some of this load???  We have my student loan planned out to the dollar...we don't have any extra for fixing the car!  Arrrghhh!!!

Someone just stab me now.  I'm tired of this life.  I want a new one!

So a week ago from yesterday I began a renewed conviction to lose weight.  I'm determined to lose 25lbs before the 31st.  So far, I've lost 6.5 pounds (on Saturday's weigh in), and I will weigh again after my second cleanse on Friday.  So Saturday I will update my little weight loss ticker, again.

But the biggest thing that I'm so very proud of myself for is that I've been walking on the treadmill daily.  I didn't take a break on the weekend.  I know that if I take a break this early in the routine that it will be hard to get back on it again.  So I'm going gung-ho on it.  I'm up to 45 minutes on the treadmill now.  My heart rate is in the target range and I feel great when I'm finished!  I think that's what keeps me going...that awesome feeling you get of a job well done, when you're sweating and you're feeling your body tingling with all those endorphins running around....  I love, love, LOVE that feeling!  Anyway, my doctor wants me to get up to 1 hour of cardio on a daily basis...so that should be no problem in a week or so.  And with the exercise, comes weight loss.  A lot of it! 

I've also been watching quite closing my caloric intake and what kinds of foods that I'm eating.  I'm trying to stay away from the carbs...one of my weaknesses is cheese, so I won't be buying ANYTHING with cheese or any cheese at all for a while....nor bread.  Well, bread yes...but high fiber bread.  And tonight when we went out for pizza with my friend....I had two regular size pieces and one tiny one.  I was so proud of myself.  And we went to the grocery store before that and I managed to walk right past the cheese without even looking!  I was so proud of myself!  Seriously...you  have no idea!  Haha.

Enough updates...maybe THAT'S why I seem to have so many updates on a single day...because I go days without updating!  Duh, me!

I'm reminded time and again of just how great the people that I associate with are.  I think as we all get older we tend to tighten our "inner circle" so to speak to those whom we truly trust and enjoy being with.  When we're young, we're all about partying...back then it didn't matter WHO you were with...hell, I remember times when I made best friends for a night at the bar...and never saw or heard from them again.  It happens.  But when you're older, you're wiser.  You've learned a lot.  And you know that you need stable friends and family around you that love you and support you...no matter what.  And that's what I have.

I received a text message from my friend Brenda yesterday.  We had an EPY class together last Fall and I haven't seen her since!  We've kept in contact on Facebook, however, and have always planned on getting together again for lunch or drinks...whatever.  Well, like I said, she texted me yesterday and said, "let's get together for lunch and drinks at happy hour...on me!"  How cool is that???  Seriously!  I miss her...we used to have so much fun in EPY...I made some truly awesome friends in that class.  Kelly was another one.  I don't think I've mentioned Kelly before...but she's an angel.  She really is.  Anyway, so Brenda and I are getting together on Tuesday of next week for an early dinner and drinks.  I can't wait!  It'll be so nice to catch up with her again!

And on Monday I'm getting together for lunch (on her!) with my friend, Angela.  She and I met last semester in my math and english classes.  We had math first and then walked to english together down the hall.  We got together a few times for studying and had lunch a couple of times for fun.  She's young, she's fresh...and she reminds me a lot of ME when I was her age!  Anyway, we'll be getting together next week, too.

This evening Guy came to Reno.  He need to pick up some software and wanted to meet up with me and Kurt while he was in town.  Since he's hardly ever in Reno...and since I rarely go to Sac to see HIM anymore (we usually go to see my dad), it was nice to see him again.  It's been a year.  And, as you all may remember, he is the one who bought us the groceries last week.  He took Kurt and I out to dinner this evening and we had an enjoyable visit.  He'd never met Kurt before today, so it was nice to see both of my favorite guys in one spot, for once!

So, that's the update on my social life these days.  I'm completely broke...but we're doing ok, we're surviving, and we're happy.  And I can't ask for more than that...except maybe a job!

Have you ever noticed that some days I do more than one entry...some weeks I do multiple entries...and then nothing for a couple of weeks?  I don't know why that is...but it bugs me.  And I'm the one doing it!

The most recent issue of silence is that our main computer is down for the count and in the Apple Hospital getting fixed.  I know, I know...Macs rarely have hardware failure...but it does happen.  They ARE just a machine, after all...even if they're far superior than anything else out there.....

But I digress...

Silence is not golden.  Well, sometimes it is.  But mostly it has a ring to it.  Have you ever been somewhere where it's totally and completely silent?  Ever notice that you hear that small ringing in your ears when that happens?  I wonder why that is.

Again...digression.  Wow, twice in a single entry!  I better go!

Sometimes when I need help falling asleep (which is more often than not), I will use my white noise app on my iphone to lull me into sweet dreamland.  There are so many sounds to pick from, the sound of a train on tracks...clickity clack clickity clack...the sound of a thunderstorm (they never quite get this to sound like the real deal...maybe if they add smell to it!), softly falling rain, an amazon jungle, a river or creek, the sound of a fan, or just plain ol' white noise. 

But I must say that my favorite sound to fall asleep to is one that reminds me of when I was a child.  In the summertime I would sometimes fall asleep during the late afternoons with my window open.  Outside, my mom would normally have the sprinkler going on the lawn.  You remember those old rainbird sprinklers before they went plastic?  I'd drift off to sleep with that sound wafting in through the window to my young ears, and I didn't put the connection to it, but I felt safe. So now, I hear that sound and I immediately think of home.  I think of safety and security and love and contentment.  I think of my mom and how great of a childhood I had.

Now, almost every night, I fall asleep to safety and security in the sound of the sprinkler on in the yard.  Thanks, mom, for the comforting memories.

Click to hear the sound...and see if it takes you back to your childhood, too.

Some of you have been wondering how much weight I've lost since I started my new journey back in February.  And, without any exercise, and battling crazy meds, I've lost 25 pounds so far.

I believe, and many of you have expressed concern, that I can lose 25 more in a month.  I know it's not going to be easy.  But with exercise, the RIGHT diet and plenty of water...I can do this.  And I'll feel awesome about myself because of it!

So on that note....

Because of the metformin that I'm taking I need to increase the protein/fiber that I have in my diet.  Always good for a diet anyway, right?  So, has anyone tried whole wheat spaghetti noodles?  Talk about delish! 

Anyone else have any money friendly suggestions for good food for pre-diabetic diets?  Obviously, low carbs and sugars....but other suggestions would be awesome!

Some people, when they're going through tough times, tend to lose hope and faith in the world around them...and in humankind, in general.  I know I had.  I don't think I've ever been this bad off before and I don't like it.  I don't like being unemployed, I don't like being fat, and I don't like being unhealthy.  I don't like looking at other people around me, working, average looking, being able to buy things without worrying about whether or not it's going to draw on insufficient funds.  I was jealous, envious, and full of negative emotions.

Through all of that, I've found hope in those around me.  Some may call them miracles, but I call it karma.  There are two women that I know whom I've never met face to face, and yet I count them among my bestest of friends; they've recently shown me that love can happen in different ways and at different times.  Completely selfless and freely given.  They've blessed my life.  One, by randomly sending me some bird toys and perches that she no longer needs (20 pounds worth!), and the other by seeing my sadness and despair lately, gifting me with a book from my wish list.  Both ladies completely surprised me and both didn't need to do this.  But in doing it they have shown me that no matter how bad my life is...people still love me, still care.  And their selfless acts have brought tears to my eyes.  To both of you ladies...thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  My life is better knowing you.

Another friend, one that I've known for several years now, and whom I count as, well, one of my best friends, also performed a random, selfless act of kindness and generosity just yesterday.  He'd been trying to call me for some time now, and, not wanting to subject him to my problems and issues, kept putting him to voicemail.  Finally he threatened to send the police out to check on me if I didn't hear back from him.  Sooo, I called.  We talked.  I poured my heart out to him.  When we were finished, he told me that I had to answer his calls next time around and hung up.  About 20 minutes later he called me back (and I answered!) and asked me if I trusted him.  Of course I said yes...so he gave me a name and address and told me to go there that minute.  I looked it up and saw that it was the grocery store just up the street from where I live.  When I showed up, the manager had a cart full of groceries and food and said that my friend had called him and made arrangements and it was all paid for.  When my husband came home later that afternoon and saw all the food he was incredulous that my friend had done something so kind.  Of course, I spoke with my friend after picking up the groceries and getting back home, and conveyed my sincerest and most heartfelt gratitude to him.  He feels good having done me a favor.  Knowing that it was something that we needed.

Again, a light in the darkness.  A splash of red in a black painting.  A full moon peeking out from behind a dark cloud in a dark sky. 

This morning I heard from my mom.  She and my step-dad went to the hospital there where I owed over 1k in hospital bills from a couple of years ago.  They've been after me to pay and, obviously, we have no money to do so.  I hadn't wanted to go to the hospital back then when I did because I knew that I wouldn't be able to pay for it...and they'd told me that they'd help me if I needed them to.  So...I went.  And they've been charging me ever since.  I didn't know what to do.  So the last time my mom was here with my niece I gave her one of the bills from them and asked her if she'd talk to them for me.  Yesterday her and my step-dad went to the hospital and spoke to them and got 50% removed from the bill and paid off the rest of it.  Granted, this is not a freebie, but it's a big relief to me not having to deal with their letters every month telling me that I owe them.  She SAYS to not worry and pay when I have the money.  This is uncharacteristic of her...and I have to wonder if there's any repercussions to this.  There usually is.  But for now, I will take her for her word, and believe that she means what she says.

And so, through all of this bad stuff happening, there have been bright spots in my life.  Happiness filtering in through those around me.  My friend says that it's because I give so much when I have it that karma is coming back to me when I need it, too.  Maybe my friend is right.  Maybe selfless giving is always the way to go because it makes you feel good inside, and eventually, it comes back to you.

To those who have touched my life in the recent weeks and months, thank you, thank you so much for brightening my life with sunshine.  Life has to get better for me, when I have such kind and wonderful friends and family surrounding me.  There is nowhere for me to go but up!

Along with clarity comes conviction.  At least for me it does.

That night in the rain did something to me.  Short circuited my brain, maybe?  Maybe!  But whatever it did, it's changed me.  Maybe it was so that I would begin the long road of letting go of dreams and starting to create new ones.  Whatever it was, I'm in a better spot mentally.  No longer do I look at my sweet, darling husband and resent the fact that he doesn't want to touch me...because, quite frankly, I'm not sure what I'd do if he did!  I don't have the energy to do much, anyway!  We are in love and that is what matters.  People search their whole lives looking for what we have together...and I'm going to try to remember that.

I've been exercising.  For the past 2 days I've been exercising for 30 minutes each day.  I know it's not a habit yet...and the ritual is still so very new that it can still be broken.  But, here's where the conviction comes in.  I don't want to stop exercising!  Oh, I do look forward to the end of 30 minutes...but at the end of it, I feel great!  I feel accomplished.  And I feel as though I'm doing something to make my body stronger so that I can live longer and make that difference that I spoke of in my previous post.

Along with the exercise I've been sticking more closely to my food intake.  Some days I don't ingest as many calories as I should...but I'm working on it.  I know a common misconception is that fat people eat too much...my problem is that I don't eat enough.  At least of the good stuff.  Sometimes I eat too many brownies, or pieces of cake, or cookies, or, or...ICE CREAM!!!  My weakness is carbs and desserts...but I'm working through that, as well.  I'm trying to recondition my brain to realize that string cheese is just as good (and it is!) as a brownie.  I'm trying to teach my brain that grapes are so much better than a cookie.  I can't change my mindset overnight...but I'm working on it.  And already I'm feeling better about myself.

For the past several months I've been in a slump mentally and certainly physically.  Well, no more.  I'm finished with slumps.  My goal is to lose at least 25 pounds by the 31st.  Think I can do it?

I know I can!

Sometimes, when life is throwing a whole lot of curve balls at you, it can feel a bit overwhelming...dizzying, in fact.  We feel as though we're on a carousel and it's spinning out of control - terrifying, and no longer fun.  When we get so caught up in that fury, we forget to close our eyes and simply feel the rush and roll with it.  We get so anxious and stressed out, that sometimes we get sick, or worse, die.

Lately my life has been feeling that way.  I've been feeling as though I'm caught up on this giant, yet surprisingly intimate, carnival ride of terror and I've been unable to get off.  And I've definitely been unable to enjoy it.  Spinning around and around, faster and faster, completely out of control, I've wanted nothing more than to get off, jump off at the risk of getting hurt, or even dying.  Death hasn't seemed like such a bad option, as of late.

And then I danced in the rain.

I danced and laughed in the rain with my dogs at 2am and it felt awesome!  Invigorating.  Powerful.  I was alone with them out there with the cold droplets soothing my battered soul, rushing over me with a certainty, washing away my fear, my anger, my helplessness, my anxiety, my pain.  So much pain.  I felt it all just...not matter anymore.

I've been withdrawn since then, lost in my thoughts, in my mind.

Then last night, while lying awake at 4 in the morning, unable to sleep for all the chaos happening in my head, a moment of clarity, perfection, came to fruition.

The world doesn't care about my problems.  The world would continue on without me.  I matter, naught, to anyone but my close friends and family.  And that is simply unacceptable.

I refuse to leave this world without making a difference.  I refuse to give up my dream of a baby, but even if my critters are all that I've got, and will have, I need to make that matter to me.  I need to make it enough.  If I never lose weight, or if I lose 200 pounds...it's up to me.  I'm the one who matters.

I matter.  I count.  To me, I am one.  To my husband, I am one.

So, I woke up this morning with a sense of anticipation.  Yet another beginning.  But this time...THIS TIME...I feel motivated.  I feel driven.  I feel alive!

(Besides, I can't die...I have no life insurance!)

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