Sometimes, when life is throwing a whole lot of curve balls at you, it can feel a bit overwhelming...dizzying, in fact.  We feel as though we're on a carousel and it's spinning out of control - terrifying, and no longer fun.  When we get so caught up in that fury, we forget to close our eyes and simply feel the rush and roll with it.  We get so anxious and stressed out, that sometimes we get sick, or worse, die.

Lately my life has been feeling that way.  I've been feeling as though I'm caught up on this giant, yet surprisingly intimate, carnival ride of terror and I've been unable to get off.  And I've definitely been unable to enjoy it.  Spinning around and around, faster and faster, completely out of control, I've wanted nothing more than to get off, jump off at the risk of getting hurt, or even dying.  Death hasn't seemed like such a bad option, as of late.

And then I danced in the rain.

I danced and laughed in the rain with my dogs at 2am and it felt awesome!  Invigorating.  Powerful.  I was alone with them out there with the cold droplets soothing my battered soul, rushing over me with a certainty, washing away my fear, my anger, my helplessness, my anxiety, my pain.  So much pain.  I felt it all just...not matter anymore.

I've been withdrawn since then, lost in my thoughts, in my mind.

Then last night, while lying awake at 4 in the morning, unable to sleep for all the chaos happening in my head, a moment of clarity, perfection, came to fruition.

The world doesn't care about my problems.  The world would continue on without me.  I matter, naught, to anyone but my close friends and family.  And that is simply unacceptable.

I refuse to leave this world without making a difference.  I refuse to give up my dream of a baby, but even if my critters are all that I've got, and will have, I need to make that matter to me.  I need to make it enough.  If I never lose weight, or if I lose 200 pounds...it's up to me.  I'm the one who matters.

I matter.  I count.  To me, I am one.  To my husband, I am one.

So, I woke up this morning with a sense of anticipation.  Yet another beginning.  But this time...THIS TIME...I feel motivated.  I feel driven.  I feel alive!

(Besides, I can't die...I have no life insurance!)