Since I didn't update my weight loss last week due to the scale needing a new battery, this is for a 2 week span.  If you haven't already glanced at my ticker, I lost 6½ pounds, making it an official 40 pounds lost since I started eating better and exercising.  Go me!  Yay!

I'm doing really well on my goals that I set for Hot 100.  I got all of my water in this week, I got a B on my math test (I think I may have mentioned that already, though), and I've gotten my English essay turned in and have began to research my 3rd essay.  I also exercised every day this week...sadly, even today, since in lieu of my treadmill I ended up doing a nice workout of housework.  Who knew it was such a sweat inducer?

Anyhoo...I'm doing really well on my goals, and I'm pretty proud of myself with the treadmill and water intake.

I'm looking forward to the coming week!

I discovered this morning, as I was getting dressed for a hurried trip to the pharmacy, that one of the downsides (of many) of yo-yo dieting...is the vast range in clothing sizes that you have in your closet.  You see...I was wearing size 8 Right Fit jeans from Venezia (Lane Bryant) last winter.  (I'll go more into Right Fit, in a moment.)  Now, I wear a size 5.  Do I have any size 5 Right Fits?  Oh no.  I have size 8's...and I have size 4's.  I tried on the 4's and they're just a wee bit too tight...and I definitely can no longer wear the 8's.  And I totally can't afford to go buy more with being unemployed.  Great...just swell.  It's friggin' cold out...and I'm having to wear capri's or sweatpants!  WTF???

OK, Right Fit jeans...I used to swear by these things.  I have the old style...but they've recently changed them - for the worse!  Lane Bryant...oh how can you do this to me???  I loved my Right Fits...and now, now they don't fit right...how can a Right Fit fit wrong???  I don't know how they managed it...but they messed EVERYTHING up on these perfect jeans.  The old sizes are no longer the correct sizes, and they fit all wrong...tight in spots they shouldn't be...baggy in spots that shouldn't be...and after a couple of hours the whole darn bit of them is 2 sizes larger than when you put them on!  And don't get me started on the change in fabric!  It's thinner, less durable, and frays easily!  Lane Bryant...bring back the old style...this is one upgrade that was actually a DOWN grade!!!

(As I've mentioned previously...I go for so long without posting, or posting only a weekly update, and then suddenly I become a posting fiend!)

One of the drugs that I was put on by my doctor, due to a pre-diabetic situation and crazy hormone levels, is Metformin.  Now, I know that I've talked about this before, and it'll probably pop up from time to time later on, as well.

One of the grant side-effects of Metformin is that you have any number of a variety of Gastro Intestinal issues as side effects such as bloating, diarrhea, nausea, gas, headaches, blah, blah, blah....

The main side effect for most is diarrhea.  Most suffer from it on a daily basis....I get it from time to time...but not every day.  My biggest problem is bloating.  My stomach feels constantly full.  Sometimes so much that I feel like I can't take in a deep breath because of it; or even that I can't breath normally.  Naturally that isn't the case, and it's just the crazy side effects.

One of the things that it does is stabilize the insulin levels.  I have wonky levels due to various other issues, namely being fat, and so I was always craving sweet stuff and carbs, because my body was always thinking that it was needing them.  Nowadays, not only do I not suffer from those cravings, but I don't crave food at all.  Don't get me wrong...I enjoy food, I love food.  But these days, the idea of eating anything, even fruit, makes me nausous and want to vomit.  The result is that I end up forgetting to eat, because I don't want to eat...and then, of course, I don't get enough calories in, which we all know makes your body go into starvation mode, yada yada...

So I set timers to remind me to eat meals and snacks.  I never in a million years imagined that I'd have to FORCE myself to eat enough of something so that I got enough calories in.  It's the oddest thing.  Nowadays, I eat less than my husband...that's NEVER been the case!  Ever!

So, despite the bloating feeling, I'm totally lovin' my Metformin.

Metformin....ask your doctor about it today!  Haha.  I am in no way getting paid to plug this drug.  Haha.

Friday night I had another fainting spell.  It's the second time that I've actually fainted since I started on my blood pressure medication a couple of years ago.  Frankly, I questioned whether or not I needed to go on it to begin with...but trusting in the advise of my doctor, I agreed.  My blood pressure before I started taking Lisinopril was approximately 130/90'ish...give or take.  Now it's not uncommon for it to be around 100/70.  Needless to say, that's a considerable drop.  I think it's a bit TOO considerable, which is probably why the light-headedness that followed.  Anyhoo...it was probably about a month after I began taking it that I had my first fainting spell.  I was at work, just leaning back in my chair, and the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes, was very confused, and my boss was looking at me and asking me if I was okay.  That was the first time that I ever fainted.

Ever since, I've had the craziest feelings come over my body when I stand up and/or stretch.  I get really light-headed, and my entire body kind of has this tingley, out-of-body feeling about it.  It sounds crazy...but if you suffer from the same thing then you totally know what I'm talking about.  I've came really close to fainting numerous times since the start of the meds...but until Friday night, I'd only actually full-on fainted the one time.  Generally when I stand up, I stretch...it's habit, it's what I do...it's what a lot of people do.  Stretching feels good, it loosens up the muscles that have went unused for a little while, and gets the blood pumping again.  For most people with normal blood pressure levels, it's no big deal.  It wasn't a big deal for me before the meds.  But now, it's a crazy, lurchy feeling in the pit of my tummy...

So anyway, Friday night, I'd just stood up from my recliner and was walking into the bathroom (not a long walk, perhaps a few feet through a mini hallway), and I started getting the funky feeling mid-way.  So I stopped, propped my arms out against the walls on either side of me, and was just standing there...

Next thing I knew I was singing the same song that was running through my head when I was standing...but I was lying prone, staring up at the ceiling and watching K walking towards me from the couch, and asking me if I hit my head and if I was okay.  I was a bit confused, realized what must have happened, and was a little weirded out.  But I was fine, afterwards.  No problem.  But, it does force me to beg the question...should I be taking blood pressure meds anymore...or maybe if such a high dosage.  It's not a high dose, anyway, but still....

With my regular exercise these days, I don't know if it's necessary anymore to be taking it...especially when it causes me to feel this crazy when I just stand up..let alone when I faint.

I have another doctor's appointment in December as a follow-up to a couple other meds that I've been taking, as well as to check-in with my weight loss (yes, I finally sought the help from a doctor regarding my weight loss).  I'll talk to her then about what's going on.  Unless I faint again, in which case, I'll probably call her sooner than that!

Sometimes it's best to just not say anything...that way the woman in the car next to you doesn't have the opportunity to jump out, come around, and yell at you for disturbing her phone call.

Can you say...bluetooth headset????

And finally, the weekly weigh-in...

Will not be happening today.  I went to get on the scale this morning only to discover that the battery needs to be replaced.  It couldn't have told me when I got off of it last week?  Sheesh.

So, hopefully K will remember to buy one tomorrow (even with the emailed reminder from me he sometimes forgets.)  If that happens, then the weight in will commence on Tuesday morning.  Sorry peeps!

OK, so maybe she's not a SERIAL killer...but she's definitely got a lust for doing demonic things to birds. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

Since I got her, just before she turned 1 year old, she's always loved to catch and murder small birds. The problem is is that she doesn't stop at just killing them. Oh no...no way. She has to rip their little birdie heads off. And usually the head disappears into the secret netherland of doggyville that exists in the backyard somewhere. I've never found a single birdie head. But I've sure found a lot of decapitated, murdered little feathered beings. I don't know if she takes some evil sort of delight in fucking with the defenseless creatures, or if she's just got that lust for blood that is ingrained in her genetics...whatever it is...it's disturbing.

When I tell her, "Peaches...I don't want to find another decapitated birdie in the backyard!"

This is the look that I get from her...

I've been participating in the Hot 100 for the past several weeks...and for those of you who are too lazy to click on any links or icons on my blog, it's basically just giving people an opportunity to set and achieve goals for the remaining 100 days of the year.  It's a contest held by Steve over at LogMyLoss.

Anyway, my goals are as follows:

Drink at least 2½ Litres of water each day...I had been struggling with this one, but I made a concentrated effort this week to "git 'er done" and I did!  I finally had a week where I got all the water in that I wanted to get in...each day!

I've also set the goal to continue my daily exercise, and that one I've had no trouble with.  I don't allow myself to not do it just because I don't feel like it...I do it every day but Sunday (I give myself one day each week of rest).  So far this goal has been, by far, the easiest one to achieve.

The final goal that I set for myself was to do as well as possible with school while also maintaining a happy family,  So far I'm doing pretty good in that arena, as well.  Doing really well in math...and, as always, great in English. 

If you're older and considering whether or not you should go back to school for whatever reason...I'm a strong advocate!  I was a little nervous before my first semester back...but now I'm just having so much fun learning!

I've been so remiss on writing...and I know it.  I've been so busy with writing English essays for class, and studying math.  I had to drop my Spanish class because I wasn't catching on nearly as fast as I was hoping to, and I wasn't doing very well on tests...so I dropped it.  I didn't want my GPA to suffer from an elective class.  I may take it again at a later time...but who knows?

Anyway, school's going well.  I'm getting an A in English, of course, and I believe I'm getting an A in math, as well.  We just had our 2nd math test last Thursday so I won't know how I did until Tuesday...but I'm pretty sure I did okay.

I'm starting to consider which classes to take for next semester.  I'll be finished with my English pre-req's...but I really love taking classes from Patty...so I may end up taking her English 102 to satisfy another pre-req...either that or Writing Fiction.  Either one would be fun...but I sure love Patty's classes!  I'm also going to be signing up for a digital photography class.  That, believe it or not, also satisfies a pre-req and would not be considered an elective.  I find that funny.  All these amazing classes available that are considered pre-req's.  Although, there is one class that I am required to take that is about computers...kind of like a beginners course; I need MS Word 97 on my computer for it...can you say barf?!  I know all the stuff the class teaches already...and yet it is still a pre-req.  I guess my mac is gonna have to deal with having a microcrap product installed on it for a few months at some point.  Gack!

I'm doing well with my goals, except for the water.  I knew, when I set the goal, that I was going to have some problems.  I really need to get that water in.  My two other goals, doing my best in school and I'm still excercising daily.  However, when I got on the scale this morning it showed only a maintain.  I suppose it's better than a gain, but dang!  I really need a loss!  Granted, I could be PMS'ing, which certainly does promote water retention and other uglies, so hopefully that's the reason and that next week will be another big loss again.

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It's best to not stick your head out the window of a moving vehicle and shout in glee...

Less bugs caught in your mouth that way!

I lost 1.5 pounds this past week.  I'm pretty sure that it's less because I didn't get in as much water as I meant to.  Things just tend to get away with my thoughts and I totally forget to drink water.  I don't drink anything!  I really need to work on that, as it is one of my goals, AND because it's just better for me to keep myself fully hydrated.

Don't get me wrong, though, I'll definitely take 1.5 pounds, as opposed to a gain!  I was so worried that I'd gain some of what I'd lost in the last few weeks back.  I don't know why I was worried...I didn't stray into the naughty foods beyond reason this past week...but I think it was mostly because I thought I'd jinxed myself.  Thank goodness that I didn't!

My daily exercise is still going strong, 50 minutes on the treadmill, 6 days each week.  I'm really proud of that, going from my extremely sendentary lifestyle to exercising and getting my target heartrate up to fat burning, that's impressive for me!

School is good.  I turned in my first English essay last Thursday, and we were assigned our next essay topic last Tuesday.  So this time around I'll be writing about music videos, their message, what the deeper meaning is, if any, and compare and contrast to others.  I've chosen music videos from the 80's because the 80's rule; Debbie Gibson's, Lost In Your Eyes, Poison's, Talk Dirty To Me, Def Leppard's, Love Bites, and Madonna's, Like A Virgin.  Should make for interesting writing...and hopefully reading!

Spanish is going...I'm really struggling with my conjugation of verbs...but I'm determined.  I may not end up on the Dean's list next year, but I'll know how to speak better Spanish, mark my words!  Of course, I'm not saying that I'm going to strop striving for all A's, but realistically I just don't see that happening in Spanish class.  But I'm still gonna try!

OK, maybe scare is the wrong word to use...maybe, disturb would be better.

Gnomes...and clowns.

They both belong in the same category, in my opinion. They're evil, scary, devious, and appear to be hiding something behind their big grins.

What, eh, disturbs you???

I got on the scale this morning, and, as you might have noticed my ticker in the top right, I lost a whopping SIX pounds this past week! 

Now people, before you get all concerned, I'm eating!  Sometimes, I think I'm eating too much.  But I'm changing my habits.  No longer do I head to Starbucks for my frappaccino after classes during the week, nor do I hit McD's several times a week.  I eat healthy dinners that my husband prepares on a daily basis (ok, ALMOST daily), smaller portion sizes, healthy desserts like peaches and nectarines and grapes, as opposed to ice cream.  HOWEVER, I am not denying myself my favorite things.  Once each week, on Saturdays, I treat myself to McD's.  I get a caramel frappé, three mcdoubles, and a large fry.  Normally, I am only able to finish the fries and a burger, sipping on the frappé most of the evening, leaving two burgers left over for whenever. 

I bought two pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream almost a month ago, and ice cream, ladies and gents, is my weakness.  I have only ate one pint of the two!  I'm just not craving it.  And when I think about wanting something sweet, I go to the fruit in the fridge before I go to the ice cream.  OR, we also have Minute Maid's frozen juice bar that are a treat, as well.  I'm not depriving myself.  I'm not starving by any means.  I'm getting in around 1000 calories per day, give or take. 

I am exercising on a regular basis, walking at the correct target heart rate speed, as opposed to going as fast as I could, as far as I could, in the least amount of time that I could.  In doing this, I'm burning fat instead of muscle.  All calories are not alike!  Burn the right ones!

I'm getting my water in.  It was one of my Hot 100 goals, and I've been doing awesome at it.

Another goal was to put the most effort that I could possibly give towards school and my family.  Well, my family is fine, however, I didn't do so well on my first spanish test.  Oh, I passed, that's not the issue.  But it was with a C+.  What the hell???  I can do much better than that.  And it's because I didn't study nearly as much as I should, for it.  So, that's my goal this week, in particular, to get my flash cards created and work on those.  I need to learn the conjugations that we've went over, backwards and forwards.  No excuses!

So that's it for the week.  Obviously, I've gotten a lot of things off of my chest in the past couple of days.  Woohoo!  It's my mutli-posting again!

The other day I was watching the first season of Drop Dead Diva's second episode, The "F" Word.  She reiterated what I've been telling people for many years now...it's OKAY to say that you are FAT, if that is, indeed, what you are!  Don't fluff it up by calling it various other adjectives like large, full-figured, yada yada.  We are what we are....do we believe that by calling it something else that it will make it less so; or that others will believe we're less fat if we call it by another name?  I used to think that way a very long time ago.  I could never call myself fat.  I was so embarrassed by it, and I would turn red as a beet if anyone so much as LOOKED at me, let alone called me fat.  I'd end up in tears, more times than not.  But it wasn't until I was in my 30's that I began to accept myself as being who and what I was.  I accepted that I will NEVER be a size 4.  Hell, I'll never be a size 10!  But that's ok.  I'm becoming more and more healthy by choosing the right foods to eat, the right amounts to eat, and by exercising on a regular basis.

When I first began to accept myself, I took a picture of me and did a bit of photoshopping to it and came up with the following image:

I'm not saying that it's healthy to be fat.  Far from it.  But being fat doesn't mean that you can't enjoy life, enjoy being you, and love every moment of it all.  And if people give you that LOOK, and we all know what that is, look them straight in the eye and tell them.... "I know I'm fat, but I'm cool with that!"  Nothing makes a person speechless, embarrassed, and chagrined, than being confronted with what they thought they'd never be confronted with...because they felt that they were somehow superior to us.

Be proud, be you!

First, to set the mood....a song...

First, I want to clarify something....I don't feel anger about this any longer, but it took me quite some time to not.  What I feel is hurt, a deep hurt....and, hopefully, if you're a fellow dog lover, you will understand why.  I just need to write this down; I hope that it will help aid in my healing over this issue.

When I was little, around 6, or so, we got a Cocker Spaniel puppy and we named her Mitzi.  My childhood is FULL of memories with her in them.  We even bred her 4 times and enjoyed baby puppies (22 of them, to be exact).  You can imagine, that this sweet dog was most definitely an integral part of my growing up.  She lived to be, I think, around 14 or 15 years old (people years, of course), before she died.  Towards the end of her life she was blind and deaf and very obese.  She was this chubby little Cocker with such a beautiful and sweet disposition, and, as long as we didn't move around the furniture, she didn't do too bad at getting around!  She gave love just as freely at the end of her life as she did when we first got her...more so, even.  (Doesn't love grow when it's nurtured?)

I grew up and left home to be a nanny for a year.  I lived only miles away, but in a different city.  One day I came home and Mitzi wasn't there.  I asked my mom and she didn't say anything, and I didn't really think much of it.  I thought perhaps she was outside.  So I let it go.  Then a few days later when I was there again, I again, asked what happened to her, and joked that my mom had taken her to the vet to have her put to sleep.  Again, silence from my mom.  When I looked at her, I knew that that was the correct answer.  She had, in fact, taken Mitzi to the vet and had her put down.  Now, I don't know if Mitzi was sick, or if the vet suggested that she do it due to quality of life, I don't know, and my mom has never been terribly clear about the whole thing.  But whatever it was, Mitzi had given us 14 years of her life.  When I prompted my mom, she told me that she had taken Mitzi to the vet and left her there before she was put down.  THAT is the part that hurts me.  Mitzi is the only family pet that we ever had, whom we didn't bury in the backyard.  I don't understand.  And what I REALLY don't understand is how my mom could have just LEFT Mitzi there, in a strange, cold, sterile environment, surrounded by strangers, in her final moments.  She just LEFT her there...after Mitzi gave us so many years of her LIFE...never leaving our side, always there when we needed to cry, or a hug, or just the contact of warm love...  My mom just left her there.  Abandoned in her final breaths of life.  And she didn't even want the body to bury her.  She just...threw her out like a piece of trash.

What I don't understand is how my mom, who is an animal lover like myself, although maybe not as extreme, could do that?  I sit here, with tears falling down my face and my mini dog snuggling up to me with a very concerned look on her face, just uncomprehending of such an act.  As hard, and as heart breaking as it will be when we lose our babies, we will always be there, by their sides, until the very end.  I can't imagine not being there.  After all of the love, tears, hugs, kindness, understanding, consolation, and acceptance that they've shown us....how can we think about NOT being there???

OK, maybe I am still a bit bitter about the whole thing.  I think about it every so often, and it just makes it hurt all over again...like the proverbial bandaid ripping off of a wound.  My heart hurts for Mitzi's fear and terror, being left in such a cold place with her family nowhere near, unable to see or hear, abandoned and alone.  Why on earth did my mom do such a thing?  I've tried asking her about it a few times, but she never gives me any straight answers.  Perhaps that is why I'm unable to leave it in the past.

I don't want my mom to think that this is an attack on her or her present character as we all grow and learn from past mistakes, and I'm almost certain she's learned from this particular one, but it's lived in me, festering, bubbling up from time to time, and this anger takes over, quickly overcome with hurt and sadness that it happened at all.

Mitzi, I know you're waiting for me on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, no pain, full sight and hearing restored, playing with your other friends, there.  I can only hope that you can forgive me for not being there...for surely I would have been, had I known.  I would not have deserted you in the end.  To you, I dedicate this song....