Do you get the feeling that even society's idea of the ideal plus size woman is not really plus size but actually just a few pounds heavier than a size 8?  Seriously?  I remember when a certain fashion magazine had this photo in their mag and it was such a huge deal for people that there were fatties in the mag.  But hello!  When I think FAT, I do not think size 10 or 12.  I think size 20+.  These women are NORMAL, people!  They're not the size 0's that magazines love to use normally and so to the fashion world they look fat.  They're NOT fat.  They look like our neighbors, teachers, mail carriers, and baristas.  What they don't look like are fatties.  COME ON fashion world!  Let's actually move the fatties up to the top for some real recognition.  THEN we can talk!

I was doing a google search on plus size poses for photography and there's all kinds of perverted crap that comes up.  Do a search for just modeling photo poses and there's all sorts of hits.  What a shame that the world, although it claims to be getting better, is so hung up on size.  SIZE MATTERS but only in some things....and you ladies know what I'm talkin' about.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.  Haha!

I've had to sparingly use my weight loss shakes over the past month due to budget cuts so I'm not getting in the right amount of healthy calories that I should be.  Add that to that old plateau from a while back and going off of Phentermine (I've got a new Rx from my doctor that I'm waiting for payday to fill) and I've put on a few pounds again.  No, I've not gained it all back.  In fact, when I went to the dr. a couple of weeks ago I'd only gained back 7...but still, who wants to see the damn scale go up and not down, right?

The good thing, though, is that although I've been off of my blood pressure meds for several months now my BP was low when I went in.  Instead of being something in my old usual range of around 130-something / 90-something it was 113/73.  I was stoked to say the least!

One of my classes that I'm taking in the fall is an aerobics class.  I'm really super excited to start.  It's probably gonna kick my ass to start but I'm down for it!  Most definitely!

Happy 4th, peeps!  Hope you're having a better time than I am!

Have you ever wondered what your life would have been like had you taken a right instead of a left?  Went straight instead of turned around?  Took one job offer instead of another?

I'm involved these days with dog rescue and transport and fostering.  I'm still volunteering at the SPCA but it's not as often due to my new interests!  I probably make a couple trips each month to Battle Mountain to pull doggies on death row and bring them back to either temp foster or hand off to a new foster family.  It's a satisfying way to feel as though I'm doing something good for the critters out there.

Unfortunately, our newest member that we adopted after my first trip out there has a fascination like you wouldn't believe for birds.  It ended up as Daisy's demise as Mary got a hold of her purely accidentally and killed our birdie.  :(  We've been without Daisy for about 3 weeks now and we still cry when we think about her.  I miss my baby birdie girl.

That being said, it's July now.  And with July in the desert comes high temps.  It just makes me glad we don't live down in Southern NV.  I don't think we'd be able to survive without A/C down there.  It's bad enough up here!  The dogs are listless during the day and perk up in the evening when it gets cooler outside.  Shoot, if it weren't for creepy crawlies outside I'd camp out with blankets at night!  But I don't have a hankering for sleeping with earwigs or firebugs.  Bleh.

I had typed up a big ol' update a few days ago and then my program crashed and I lost it.  Ugh.  So here I go again.
Firstly, let me apologize for disappearing as I have.  It's been a crazy past couple of months.  Seriously.  I'm not making that up!
The Spring semester has ended and I'm in my 2nd week of summer break.  I'm so stoked for this break.  I thought math was going to break me, I swear!  I thought last semester was rough, well kick it up a few notches and that's the difficulty of this last class.  And it's only going to get worse!  I'll be living at the tutoring center in the Fall; that'll be that.
Of course I did swell in both my Writing Fiction and Digital Photography class.  I've got some great photos that I need to put into frames and hang up now.  We're talking some kickass pictures!  Not because of the class...but because I had time to actually go through pics from the past year and print them out in class.  So nice when you have a great photo printer worth thousands of buckeroos at your disposal!
As far as weight loss goes...the plateau that I'd hit really hit me hard.  Not only was I not losing weight, but I was losing momentum in a big way.   I was trying not to, but when you don't lose for well over a month, you lose steam.  Needless to say, I fell into the typical rut that those who lose weight fall into for a while.  It didn't help with all of the stress going on from school and such, either, and I easily started to give a day up here and there with exercise...until finally I wasn't exercising at all.  NOT GOOD when trying to lose weight.
No fear, fellow fatties, I'm back.  Well, technically I never left, but I'm back for a few months again.  Regularly until school's back in again.  You know how it goes.  I'm back on the treadmill daily.  Forcing myself to not take Sundays off again so that I get back into the habit again.  When I feel I'm good and ready, I'll give myself that one day off again.  Until then...I'm full force and gung-ho.  It's not fair that us fatties have to always worry about falling off of the wagon, so to speak.  No matter if we reach our goal...we always have to be in hyper-awareness mode of what we're eating, how much, and when....we will never be free from being fat, not really.  Not fair at all.  In fact, it downright sucks.  I want to be one of those people with the magic metabolism.  Of course I will never be...so here I am, doing what I can with what I've got.
Still no work to be found and we're entering summer where the pickings are slim in the bank, as well.  We're usually tight during the summer until my first part of my student loan comes through.  I really wish I could find SOMETHING.  I am trying to keep busy in the meantime.  I'm still volunteering a lot at the SPCA, we're in the process of moving to a new location.  Bigger and better.  Yay!  I'm also involved in animal transport and have done a few of those now, as well.  Which leads me to my next big news...
K and I would love to introduce you to our new family member...merry Mary.

She's part Chow-Chow part Golden Retriever.  She's got the sweet and loving personality of a Golden, and the fluffiness of a Chow.  We couldn't have been more lucky in a new family member.  She's Emily's age, 11 years, and so she's old and creaky.  Her hips are not what they used to be, I'm sure, and she stumbles or loses her balance from time to time...but she's got lots of kisses and love for anyone she meets and Emily and Peaches are slowly getting used to having her as part of our family.  Mary came into our lives through my transporting some doggies from Battle Mountain County Animal Shelter which is about a 3 hour drive East of Reno.  I didn't leave home expecting to be bringing home a new family member...but she was going to be put down if I didn't pull her, and nobody's shown any interest at all in her being's that she was so old.  K and I have a soft spot for older doggies...they need a loving home in their final years.  That's the least that we can do for them.  So Mary came home with me, along with the two other dogs that I was transporting.  We took her to the vet within a day of her arrival and she got all of her shots and then took her to the groomer where she was thinned out and shampooed.  After that, it was like her entire demeanor went from blue to perky.  She literally prances and dances and shakes her head in joy.  She's such a blessing to us...and will continue to be so.
So that brings me to today.  Now.  Things are pretty much the same as usual.  K celebrated his 51st birthday and so we had a dinner/movie date...something that we haven't done for months and months since there's just not money for that kind of thing.  It was nice to get out with my sweetie pie and just be together without worrying about the kids.
So that's what's been happening with me.  As I mentioned, now that it's Summertime, I will be updating on a more regular basis again.

There's an old country song by Trisha Yearwood from the 90's that talks about how you can be going along in your life and suddenly you'll hear a song come on that totally takes you back to a specific time and place. I'm sure you all know what I'm referring to.

I was standin' at the counter
I was waitin' for the change
When I heard that old familiar music start
It was like a lighted match
Had been tossed into my soul...

So anyway, I heard a song the other day (not the one I just referred to) that totally reminded me of a totally different time in my life. I was 20 years old and I had nothing but a bright future ahead of me. I had plans and dreams and I thought I was in love. It's funny how things never go quite how you imagined them to go. The twists and turns that life takes you through end up taking you to a completely different spot than you ever thought you'd be at. Would I change some of the things from the past 20 years? You bet I would! Or would I? If I knew that ultimately I would be right here where I'm at now, happy and in love with my wonderful husband and our kids, would I really change anything? Would you?

I know, I know, I've been terrible with writing lately, dear blog, but I have a good reason. M-A-T-H. That's right, math. It's kicking my ass right now and I've been trying to use spare moments to study. I've even stopped going over to the SPCA so much and use that time to study. I have a test coming up on Wednesday and I will admit that I'm worried. The material that it's covering is stuff that I'm just not grasping as fast as I'd like and, well, that creates a lot of stress in my life. The other day I had a break down in a coffee shop that I was studying at. I just started crying because I didn't understand what I was doing and I didn't know how to make myself understand. It's a very frustrating feeling. Needless to say, I've made tutoring appointments for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday before classes to go over all of it in the hopes that I'll be able to grasp it a little better.

As far as weight loss goes, I'm still stuck in my plateau. Or I have been, anyway. Tomorrow is my weigh-in so we'll see how I've done this week. It's getting pretty discouraging, to be quite honest. In three months I've lost about 10 pounds, whereas the previous 3 months I lost a LOT more.

So that's it, blog. I told you I had a good reason for being gone for so long. When it comes down to it, studying has priority over pretty much everything else, as of late. I will tell you, though, that I'm looking forward to summer break when I can hang out at the SPCA more and worry less about math. Blah.

No news in regards to the news I had coming up from the previous post.

But here's a great cover of Little Red Corvette originally by Prince. This particular version is by blues singer, Mark Zito. I absolutely love it!

Enjoy!

It's official! I'm a one woman show...well, me and my ass, that is. It's disappearing! Those pounds might not be coming off as fast as I'd like, but my ass is sure diminishing by the day. As a woman who is intimately in the know about her body, I know all of my lumps, curves, bubbles, jiggles and smooshiness. And I know my ass. And it's smaller. Much smaller. In fact, if my ass gets much smaller I'm gonna have to go ghetto with my jeans and buy a belt to keep them up around my ass. I like my booty...I hope it doesn't disappear altogether! My arms seem to be shrinking these days a little bit, too. I can deal with that. My arms are huge. I hate them. And of course my thighs are disappearing. I used to be pretty much wedged behind the steering wheel of my car once upon a time...now I fit loosely and comfortably. NOW I fit in the desks at school...not that I sit at them. I prefer the big girl table. Cuz I'm a big girl. And I wear my big girl panties. OK, I'm digressing...

I'm gonna have some news in the next day or two. So stay tuned. This amazing disappearing ass lady is on a roll and on her way down, down, down to downtown...

OK, now I'm really digressing. Sorry!

I'm in my photography class, which I find distinctly unchallenging....so I'm bored. So I'm blogging. But now, I must go.

A little late is better than not at all, right?

I weighed in yesterday and found that I'd lost 5 pounds. I'm not allowing myself to get too excited, but I will admit that I was sure a lot happier this week than I was the last few weeks!

Have you ever said to yourself, "I'll just have a bite of ice cream (or whatever your weakness is). One bite won't hurt." So you take the bite, find that you've lost weight at the end of the week and think, "Wow, even though I had that bite of ice cream, I still lost weight! Cool!"

So the following week another opportunity comes up and you tell yourself that just one bite won't hurt, after all it didn't the week before...and then it happens a few times per week, then once a day, then to the point where you eat the whole piece of cake, or whatever. Before long the weight stops come off, you ask yourself where the problem is because you're doing everything that you're supposed to.

We've all been there. We're all human. We're all trying to lose that weight. (Well, most of us are, anyway.) The problem with unconscious self-sabotage is that we tend to allow those extra bites of food to become the entire piece because something, deep inside our mental pscyhe, wants to protect us from being hurt. Protect us from the harmful issues that surround us in the world. If you're like me, you've been fat all of your life (or a good portion of it) and it's what we know...what we're familiar with. The unknown is a scary place for anyone, whether it's in visiting a new restaurant, country, or being 100 pounds lighter than we used to be.

For most of us, our entire identity is built on who and what we've been for most of our lives. For me, it's being short and fat. That's also why I've told myself that I don't want to be thin...instead, I just want to be a healthy plump. My goal weight is 50 pounds heavier than any medical professional will tell me that I am supposed to be at, however it's a good deal less than what I used to weigh. However, I will still be chubby...thus keeping myself still within a comfort level that I am familiar with.

Make realistic goals for yourself. Exercise, eat right, be positive. Don't give in to that internal self wanting to fight to stay with the familiar by allowing yourself that whole piece of whatever. Keep the bite to just a bite...and you'll be so much happier with yourself when you do.

Hitting a plateau several weeks ago was tough, but I still figured I'd eventually start losing again. Here it is, a while later, and I'm still maintaining at the same weight. And for once, this morning I didn't feel at all motivated to get up and get on the treadmill. I found myself asking myself, "Why bother when it's not going to help anyway?" I've been doing everything I'm supposed to, eating the right foods, avoiding the wrong ones, allowing myself tastes of what's bad for me so as to not sabotage everything that I've worked for so far. And still...nothing. The scale doesn't budge.

I have over 100 pounds remaining. I need to find somewhere within me, the will to want to lose. Because right now, as it stands, I'm just not feeling it.

I've hit a plateau in my weight loss. I've been eating properly, certainly exercising, but the scale just doesn't want to move! I'm so frustrated it's not even funny!

So...I'm going to employ another 9 days cleanse. It's basically no food for 2 days while drinking this disgusting drink, then normal "shake" days for the following 5 days, then 2 more cleanse days. The cleanse days are rough since my husband adores eating crap in front of me. Okay, maybe ADORES is a bit strong, but he has no problem doing so. Anyway, something needs to change. I'm getting a little disheartened at the whole ordeal. I still have 100 pounds to lose...I can't hit a plateau NOW!

This week's weigh-in showed a 1 pound gain. *Sigh*

Recently I voiced my opinion on Facebook of my disappointment that my mom has become more conservative as she's gotten older. Saddened at this, my once liberal mom no longer believes in a lot of things that she once did. There are a number of factors that I attribute this change to, since who we are is molded a great deal by what we are surrounded with. She resides in Utah which, as most of the country knows, is quite conservative. Obama didn't win in Utah, I can tell you that! Most, I won't say all since that's just ridiculous, military people are conservative. My step-dad's ex-military, I imagine he'll always be involved somewhat in that life since it's hard to leave almost 30 years of your life in your past for good.

Oddly, when I posted that on Facebook, it wasn't my mom who replied to the post, but my step-dad, who called it bullshit and subsequently accused me of living in "fairyland". I'm a little puzzled at this one...what exactly IS fairyland. Let's take a look at Webster's dictionary and see what it has to say...

Interestingly enough, Webster's has no idea what I'm talking about! The only results I'm able to find are put out by Wikipedia, which is never the most reliable source of information since anyone could log in today and change the wording to the Star-Spangled Banner to the lyrics from Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and call it right. The closest thing that I can find to it is put out by Princeton University. Unsure if that's THE Princeton, or if it's something else entirely. Anyway, it says: "fantasy world; something existing solely in the imagination (but often mistaken for reality)".

Does that mean that MY beliefs are what he considers imaginary? Does the fact that I believe in our president of the United States, the man whom I voted for, mean that he doesn't support him? What American doesn't support their president??? Isn't there a word for that? I can't think off hand (damn meds with the side effect of memory loss!) Anyway, if I live in an imaginary land, does that mean that I'm imagining being poor? Will I wake up tomorrow only to find that I'm a gajillionire and living in Bora Bora? Or maybe school is a dream and I'm still stuck at my old job that I hated. Fairyland... Hmmm, quite interesting.

Unfortunately, I'm now going to have to censor what I say on my own Facebook page, because goodness knows I don't want to be accused of living in a "fairyland" again. Sigh. And just when I thought it was safe to release the breath I've been holding.

It's always difficult when you don't share the same beliefs as the ones that you love. I imagine that the best that I can do is set it all aside and just love them anyway. Because I do. I love my mom, and I love my step-dad, even if he said I live in fairyland! Cuz I know that he doesn't mean any harm in it, that it was an instinctual reaction in sticking up for my mom.

I know they both read my blog on a regular basis, so mom, Randy....from my fairyland to yours...I love you both, and I'm looking forward to seeing you guys next month! :)

I have a friend in one of my classes who has a small chihuahua that has been ill for the past several weeks. The chi is old (around 14, I believe) and was vomiting, and yelping in pain every time he was touched. He could barely move. Obviously the first thought is maybe it's his time.

The thing is is that she isn't established at any veterinarian. She said that her dogs have never been sick so why should she bother taking them to the vet? Now, maybe it's because I feel that my babies are my babies, and not mere animals, so I'm always taking them in for their yearly shots/check-ups, etc. Maintenance is the best care there is when it comes to both humans AND critter kids. I visit my doctor every 3 months so she can monitor my weight loss and blood pressure. It's just the way it is. Often we're short on cash (more often than not!) and are unable to afford other various things at the time of the check-up...so we end up buying cheaper food (or just not as much that month) so that we have extra to take the babies to the vet (or to see the doctor ourselves).

I don't understand when others don't do the same. If it were a human child, would you neglect taking it in every year for shots and the check-ups? No! Why on earth would you do that for a critter baby?

So needless to say, she was basically forcing this poor little chi to suffer in pain and agony simply because she didn't have any money to take him in. Now, my vet knows us by now, after seeing us every year and whenever there's something that's come up, so we're established with her, and they work with us with payments, etc. when we're unable to pay it all at once. We'll usually give her what we can and then pay the rest off when K gets paid or a school loan comes in. But asking a vet who doesn't know you from Joe Blow across the street to allow you to make payments is ridiculous!

Another friend of mine has a cat who is urinating blood. At the simplest, it's a UTI, at worst it could be any number of things! Both he and his husband aren't working, he is bringing in unemployment, and they are unable to take her to the vet. So this poor kitty is having to suffer because of their ineptness.

I understand not having money. I've been unemployed for going on 2 years now, I'm a student, and we're only making our way on K's checks. We're poorer than we've ever been in my life. But we have NEVER made a concession in our pet's behalf if shots or health care were needed. We do what we need to do in order to get them taken care of. It's just who we are.

I guess what I'm saying is...if you can't afford to care for your pet(s) on a daily/weekly/yearly/emergency basis, then PLEASE find someone else who can. Don't assume that because your pet has never been sick that you don't need to take them in. How do you know it hasn't been sick? Have they told you?

Do you take your pet in for shots/check-ups on a yearly basis? Emergencies? Or do you fall into the category that my two friends do?

I'm not here to bash on anyone. I'm just very frustrated that people do this sort of thing. I'd love to hear your input, for or against this topic. Please, discuss in the comments!

Many people, after having read my previous post about my Cosmo boy, have accused me of being selfish for feeling so heartrendingly sad to see him go. Let me assure you, once again, that I am ECSTATIC that he has found a wonderful home. He's now got a permanent playmate with their big dog (who was/is well taken care of, I noticed), parents who will love him and give him lots of scritches and tummy tubs to his little heart's content.

But let me try to explain how and why I feel the way that I do. I spend hours each week at the SPCA. Most of the pups there are adopted within a couple of weeks of arrival, so I don't form as close of a bond with them as I do with the "long timers" who've been there for a few months. There are 4 dogs that I can think of off hand who have been there as long as, or shortly after, I've been volunteering (since before xmas). Kermit, Tobi, and Archie are all kids who were there before I got there. Cosmo arrived, I believe, the same week that I did. His paperwork claimed that he'd been found wandering the streets as a stray. As soon as I looked into his sweet and soulful eyes, I knew that there was more to his beautiful spirit than just being a dog. Of course, I always know that these critters are MORE than just an animal....I call them my kids. My extended family of children. Anyway, his eyes, they were so full of wisdom and sadness. I don't know how long he was without a home, if he ever had one, but I knew that he was going to be one who needed some time to find the right forever home. I took him under my wing. I would sit for sometimes over an hour in his kennel with him, telling him stories, whispering secrets, telling him about my life, school, my various problems. He never judged, he never told any other doggies (or people) about my issues. He just listened, patiently, understandingly. He knew what I was feeling. I absolutely know that for a fact. I even cried a few tears in the thick fur around his neck as I held him close for hugs and support. He would just look at me with those deep eyes, and I knew I had a kindred soul with me. That I had a greatness in my presence.

I know many of you think that I'm crazy for saying all of this about a dog. But if you had gotten the chance to know Cosmo the way that I did, you'd understand.

Over 2 months passed by... With each dog who left the shelter with their new people he would look hopefully out the gate of his kennel...wondering when it would be his turn. I could read his mind, we had that much of a connection. I assured him that his family was going to be so special that they needed just a bit more extra time to find him than the others did. So he wanted patiently with me. We became closer...the more secrets shared, the closer our bond became. With each opening of the door, we'd both look up, in hopeful earnest, to see if THIS time it was for him.

I was so lucky to be there a few days ago when it WAS for him. And I almost wasn't! I was planning to run some errands that would take most of the afternoon that day. I left the house, got into the car, and would remember something else that I'd forgotten and have to run back in. Before I even left the front of my house, I'd been in and out of my car three times! My first stop was the grocery store to pick up some things and my meds. The first thing I realized was that I'd forgotten a coupon that I'd had in my hand before I left for a free product. I chalked it up to just one of those days and headed toward the pharmacy. They were closed for lunch and wouldn't be back for another hour. It was at the point that I realized that I was probably not supposed to run my errands that day, that I was supposed to be at the SPCA instead. So I headed over to the shelter, camera in hand, as always, and went straight to Cosmo. I sat down in the kennel with him and spent over an hour with him, snapping pics, talking, laughing, playing, giving tummy rubs. The next thing I knew, his number was up. His new family was there. It was time. I was supposed to be there so that I could say goodbye to my Cozzy. And that was the most precious gift that I could have ever received. That extra time to just say goodbye. I cried in his fur that day, when his new family was doing the paperwork. And I cried when I gave him his final hug as he was leaving out the door. I will miss my Cosmo very much...but I do look forward to forming another special bond with another critter soon.

If I'd known that my Emily had been as loved as Cosmo was when I adopted her, I'd feel so much better remembering the history of adopting her. Loving the critters is a good thing. And I'm better for it.

Yesterday my sweet, sweet boy, Cosmo, was adopted and left the shelter. He'd been there almost as long as I've been volunteering, and he didn't show well at the gate of his kennel, so everyone was kind of expecting that he'd be there for a while. So I took him under my wing. He became my sweet buddy, my best pal at the shelter. I whispered in his ear secrets that nobody else knows and I rest assured that he will never tell. It was in his eyes that I found solace on my bad days, so full of deep wisdom and soul. He was more than a friend to me, my Cosmo boy, he was one of the greatest buddies that I will ever know.

I cried when I said goodbye to him, and I cried later after going to bed, alone in the dark. My heart knows that he will be happy in his new home, with his new family, but I am saddened at the fact that I will never again see his face light up when he sees me walk in the door, his tail thumping lightly on the floor. His new people are very nice and he has a playmate in their 9 month old New Finland puppy (a very slobbery and sweet puppy). I gave him one last and final hug as they were leaving out the door; I whispered to him that he will always be loved by me, and that I would never forget him, his infinite and quiet wisdom, his thoughtful regard for me when I needed a sweet and sloppy kiss on the face. I would never forget the hugs that we shared, the big and solid body, so warm and jiggly (private joke between he and I), and his love.

Cosmo, I know you will love your new family, but know that I will always love you and will never forget you.

Adieu, my sweet friend, adieu.

After this past week I was truly afraid to hop on the scale. K and I have been putting off our monthly trip to the grocery store for the past 2 weeks and so we basically had nothing in the house to eat. We solved this issue by eating out. One night we ordered in pizza, another night we ordered in chinese, and another night we got subways. Granted, I did eat smartly and didn't overeat or eat anything TERRIBLY bad for me, but it was definitely more ordering out than I was used to. So anyway, I thought surely I would gain. My eating was terrible, my water intake was a joke, and well, everything else was just uncool...except for exercise. Of course I got my hour in daily. I never deviate from that one.

I weighed in this morning, gritting my teeth, squinting and peeking through my almost-closed eyelids at the dreaded number...

I lost 1/2 of a pound. Usually this would be kind of a bummer for me, but after this past week? Miraculous!

We've since done our grocery shopping, the house is full of good and healthy things, and I've vowed that my water intake is going to improve 110% this coming week. So, next week I just know the number lost will be immensely larger. This week...I gained by a small loss. I won the small battle by a minute margin, and I will DEFINITELY win the war!

Booyah!

Isagenix.

(Check out the link on the right side and let me know if you're interested.)

The worst thing someone can do when you're eating healthy is tempt you with chocolate. I don't know many people who don't like it, including me! So math class was yesterday, and the instructor always brings in gum, mints, tootsie pops, etc. etc. Occasionally, during a holiday and when she finds a deal, I'm assuming, she brings in chocolate. Bad, bad chocolate! Well, actually it's good, GOOD chocolate...but bad, bad temptation-wise for me! So there I was, I took a couple pieces of gum, one for now, one for later (who doesn't?) and am faced with this pile of chocolates in the shape of hearts and wrapped in pink and red foil. Oh me, oh my! I resisted throughout class, all the while eying that blasted chocolate as though it were poison! And just before I left at the end, I grabbed a few pieces. I know, I know...I totally caved. I'm so ashamed! *Sobbing*

When I reached my photography class I took one out of my bag (I'd just tossed them into my book bag in hopes that the deterrent of having to root around for them at the bottom of it would give me time to change my mind), unwrapped the dastardly piece, and realized that it was dark chocolate. Now, we all know that dark chocolate is a lot more bitter than milk-chocolate and, therefore, easier to resist. I was happily surprised. I popped it into my mouth, closed my eyes, enjoying the sweet, sweet flavor of bitter, dark chocolate, relishing the complete decadence of it all... Beginning to chew slowly, reluctantly, ever so gently, as to savor every last morsel of chocolaty goodness as it swept across my tongue in ever widening swishes of my tongue, coating the insides of my cheeks, my teeth, the roof of my mouth with wonderful sapidity...enjoying it till the very end: the moment of swallowing the decadent morsel from heaven.

And now, my yearning for chocolate has been abolished. I fished out the remaining pieces, doled them out to a couple of strangers whilst en route to my car after class. My craving had been appeased.

I caved in to the chocolate, blog, but I won the battle in the end. I conquered, I destroyed, and I relished a victory sweeter than the chocolate, itself.

Have you ever noticed that, at first whiff, antifreeze smells like a yummy maple bar?

Seriously!

Just sayin'.

I think I'm back in the game! I lost 4.5 pounds this week, bringing my total to officially 60.5 pounds. Woohoo! I'm so relieved to see a loss again this week. I was worried about getting on the scale this morning, but, of course I did it!

This past week was the first week back of the semester. I had a great time. My fave day is definitely M/W with math and photography. My writing class is ok. I need to give it time, I suppose. But nobody in the class is very outgoing, so I find myself getting bored with nobody to make quips with. I do it myself, but eh...it's just not the same. I dunno why. The teacher is great, not the most exciting, but he's decent. Like I said, I think I just need to give the class a bit more time.

I am forced to sit in a regular desk in writing, as well. BUT, unlike previous times, I actually FIT behind it enough to still be comfortable. Well, as comfortable as one is when sitting in one of those small desks...but I'm pretty stoked about that!

Being back to school makes it a little more difficult to get in all of my water each day, so I've not been doing so well in that respect. I take water with me, of course, but not wanting to have to run to pee every 10 minutes makes drinking a lot of it out of the question. I"m trying to make a concentrated effort to get it all in when I get home, though, but also, when on go to the SPCA after class on T/Th's I don't get home until after 5, which only leaves the evening to get it in. I'm attempting to work around it...we'll see soon enough, how I do.

Of course, I'm still getting in my daily hour of exercise. I refuse to not do that. Even when I wasn't losing the past few weeks, I was still on my treadmill every day for my 60 minutes of working out. My day just doesn't feel complete without doing so, and I find myself even looking forward to it. It's odd...but I'm glad my mind is thinking that way!

One of the random problems that I'm encountering after losing almost 60 pounds is the fact that all of my clothes are falling off. Now, that can be a good thing if I could afford purchasing new clothes. However, I'm unable to do that!!!

For instance, this morning I decided that I'd had enough of an ill-fitting brassiere. I knew I had alternate ones from a previous weight loss foray, but I was pretty sure that I didn't have any that were the proper size that I needed. So, I'm rifling through my lingerie drawer, checking sizes on tags and then tossing items aside haphazardly when I find a fancy bra that I used to wear under a shrug that resembles more of a skimpy top than anything else. It's padded (of course), and has little red cherries on top of a white background and red ruffley lace along the edge. Needless to say, it's not your everyday wearing kind of dealio. Not normally anyway.

It is now!!! It was the right size! So, till I'm able to purchase a more normal brassiere, this one is going to have to do.

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So I weighed in this morning, and I lost 2 pounds. I can't help but wonder if I've fallen into a slump/plateau. Essentially, I've maintained the same weight for the past 3 weeks. I'm not happy about it. I'm thinking about maybe adding some protein to my diet in the hopes that it'll kick-start a loss again. I'm willing to try just about anything at this point. I still have over 100 pounds to go...I can't get stuck now!

I had such good intentions to blog more over the holiday break....and I suppose that I didn't do TOO bad, but certainly not nearly as great as I wanted to. Such is my life. I've been fairly busy with volunteering at the SPCA and am totally loving it. Anyhoo, the new semester begins tomorrow. Math, Writing Fiction, and Digital Photography. I'm really looking forward to it. This is going to be a great semester...I can feel it!

Have you ever stopped to consider just how many lives you touch in the course of a lifetime? How about in a year? Month? You may not even realize that you ARE touching a life, after all, you're just living your own life the best that you can. But there are those precious times when you are touched by others around you, through thoughtful words or actions, or even just their presence, and that can stay with you for the rest of your life.

Each school year I think about things of this nature. I realize that the friendships that I've made in the classes that I've taken may not carry over into the rest of the years ahead. That doesn't demean the relationships in any way, but instead creates a sort of unique kinship...a bond formed by a common thread for only a few months, yet creates a lasting and respectful brush against a beautiful person and spirit.

Touching people around you doesn't need to be so profound. In fact, more times than not, it isn't. Often it's in the kind smile as your eyes meet a homeless man, seeing him and not looking through him. Perhaps it is in the simple motion of allowing a car merge ahead of you in heavy traffic, or even stopping to allow someone to cross the street. Simple and small gestures are truly what life is all about. Oh sure, we tend to remember the big things in our lives - the mountains. But we forget that it's the small hills that eventually make the mountains what they are, so large and grandiose.

Remember, as you head off into the rest of your week, to take care of the mannerisms that you set forth, the examples that you set for your children, or those around you. It is those small, cherished moments, that can last forever to someone else.

Yo peeps, don't forget to add your blog to the blog hop roll that you can find on the left. And, if you already have, be sure to add it to your blog so that others can add theirs, as well. The entire list will be there. Just sayin'. :D

Does anyone actually heed the advice of medical professionals about leaving zits alone and not popping them? Do even the medical professionals heed their own advice in this case? Doubtful...really doubtful.

Well, this week's weigh-in doesn't prove to be good news. The darn scale claims that I've gained 2 pounds. WTF? I'm blaming in on my skinny lattes. It's pretty much the only thing that I'm doing different. So no more of those for a few weeks! I've been getting plenty of exercise, not only on the treadmill but with walking the dogs down at the shelter. I just hope next week proves to be more fruitful!

Do you think that we enjoy having to worry about whether or not we'll be able to fit into a seat in a waiting room?

Do you think that we like to ask for seatbelt extenders on a flight, or even have to pay for an extra seat?

Do you think that we enjoy being so big that it's hard for us to wipe our own ass after a BM (or having to twist every which way in order to do so?)

Do you think that we like not being able to walk from our car in a close parking spot to the door and getting winded and out of breath?

Do you think that we enjoy sweating profusely with minor movement?

Do you think that we like getting looks and ugly words from people we don't even know?

Do you think that we enjoy the way that society thinks that we are lazy and slobbish?

Do you think that we like being discriminated against for a job interview that we are more than qualified for?

Do you think that we enjoy being self-conscious in public with what we eat?

Do you think that we like being chosen last in gym class?

Do you think that we enjoy being the butt of many jokes?

Do you think that we like to laugh at our own clumsiness because if we didn't we'd burst out crying?

Do you think that we enjoy having to worry about tattoo placement because if we gain or lose weight it may affect the appearance?

Do you think that we like to deal with health and fertility issues?

Do you think that we enjoy adding an extender to our car seatbelt?

There are so many things about being fat that the average person just has no idea about. Instead, they're thinking that we're all lazy slobs who sit around watching reality shows and eating Cheetos all day. Not that that doesn't sound fun, and all...but most of the fatties that I know have meaningful and fulfilling lives and families. And most of the fatties that I know don't enjoy the fact that they're fat. I know that I never have. I accept that I am fat. But that doesn't mean that I like it! Which is one of the reasons why I'm getting healthier at the moment. Being fat is not fun. It's not a choice that anyone actually CHOOSES to live with. And it's certainly not nearly as easy as "just eat less and work out more" and you'll lose it. Perhaps a lot of us ARE doing that...but you just see the specific snapshot of who we are at that moment. You don't see us working hard on the treadmill, or swimming pool. You don't see that we're getting by on 1000 calories or less each day. All you see is that moment, that specific glimpse of us at that particular time. You have no idea what we are going through or what our choices are. But let me just tell you...we don't need the snide comments, the looks, the sidewards step...we are aware that we're fat. Are you aware of how much it hurts; how many tears are shed? Next time you see a fattie, be kind, be polite, and know that we're people, too. And we certainly don't like being fat just as much as you do.

Loving, caring, perfect for me, lucky, blessed, rich in what counts, loyal, beautiful, sexy, brilliant, good-natured, amazing, studious, liberal, charming, kissable, devoted, pleasant, warm, important, playful, intelligent...

What do all of these words have in common? Positive affirmation!

I rarely get depressed, but when I do I just remember how blessed I am to have a loving husband and family. We have a roof over our heads, our health, and enough to pay the bills. I tell myself a few of the positive affirmations and I feel almost instantly better.

I also love to listen to this song...

Does it seem as though most of your life has been an endless stream of "I'll start tomorrow"'s or "I've blown it, I need to start over."? Mine was until about 9 months ago. Let me tell you a little bit about what I'm doing to help me gain a healthier life while, at the same time, getting into shape.

About a year ago I signed up with Isagenix (link on right). I started it up, and started losing weight...but my heart wasn't in it. I knew it wasn't...and I felt that I was just wasting the money. We all know that this doesn't happen by itself, nor does it happen easily...we have to feel it in our gut that we want this...that we want it BAD. That we'd do almost anything to get it done. I didn't feel that. Until about 3 months into my Isagenix. Suddenly, I did want it. Suddenly I needed it. Oh, my health was fine, overall, but I could barely walk to class without getting winded. I couldn't get into BED without getting winded. When I stopped one day and took stock of just what was happening to me, I realized that only I could make the changes that I needed to to make it happen.

I started the Isagenix again, with my heart self this time, and began to feel a bit more energy. I wasn't exercising, and I knew I needed to start if I wanted to succeed with any of this...but it was hard. I was over 300 pounds at 4'11" and it felt like I was moving a ton. A lot of you know how it feels to just not feel that energy that you need to get going... The Isagenix helped a lot with that. It's natural, so I didn't feel like I was adding to a regime that already included a lot of pills, and I truly felt the energy slowly starting through me. But, I still wasn't able to get onto my treadmill. I just didn't want to. It's almost like I'd built up a block of some kind. I lost about 10 pounds with just what I was doing.

Then mid-July, I decided it was time. I needed to bite the bullet and just get on the darn treadmill and go for a walk! So, I took the dogs back with me, opened the door so they could run in and out, and I started walking. I walked for 20 minutes the first time, and it was a very, very slow walk. But when I finished...I felt awesome! Like I'd accomplished a huge task that I'd been putting off for a great while. I knew it was the endorphins still zinging around my body, but I loved the feeling. I remembered the feeling from 15 years ago when I was in shape. The following day, though, it was back to, "I don't feel like it." It was at that time that I sternly told myself OUT LOUD, mind you, that this was it for me. It's now or never. There are things that I want to get done with my life and to do them I need to be healthy! And I wanted to get them done before I got much older! I told myself (yes, still out loud) that I needed to make myself get on the treadmill every single day. I got on that day, and did another 20 minute workout.

Around that same time, I switched PCP's and found one that I absolutely love. She took the time to listen to what I had to say, what I felt I needed, and then she helped me get that scientific side of me started on the right track. She prescribed Metformin for my insulin imbalance, which removed the cravings for sweets that I was living with on a constant basis. It also made me feel full so that I didn't WANT to eat as much. She also prescribed Phentermine (you remember Fen/Phen, right?) Phentermine is the drug that doesn't give you heart murmers and the like! Haha. I call it legal speed. It speeds up my metabolism so that I have more energy and my body burns up the calories and fat a lot faster.

So, with all of that, plus the Isagenix, I started feeling pretty damn good! I made a goal with myself out loud (seems the only time I listen and pay attention to myself is when I talk out loud!) that I'd get on the treadmill every day, no matter if I felt like it or not. And that on the days when I especially didn't feel motivated, I especially needed to do it because that was when I needed it the most. From that point on, I walked every day, 7 days a week...no breaks whatsoever, even when my mom came to visit. I walked for a solid 45 days before I realized that no longer did I not feel like doing it when I woke up in the mornings. I started allowing myself a one day break each week. My doctor told me that she wanted me to get up to 60 minutes of cardio in each day and so I slowly worked up to that. Slowly. I didn't get there overnight, by any means. It was frustrating, it drove me crazy, but I got there. I've been at the 60 minute mark for about 3 months now, and the past 2 months I've been including steep inclines intermittently so that I can start building up my larger muscles (gluts, hams, quads) so that they, in turn, will help burn calories faster, as well.

All of that aside, it wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I am officially addicted to working out. Our internet had gone down the night before and there was a tech scheduled to swing by sometime yesterday between 8 and 8. I hate it when they don't give a better time window! Anyway, my husband always wakes me up before he leaves for work to bring me my pills and after he left I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept thinking to myself that I needed to exercise but I didn't want to miss the tech coming to the door. The dogs would be in the back with me so they wouldn't be able to hear the knock on the door, and I certainly wouldn't be able to hear it over the music. And then afterward I shower, and I didn't want to miss the tech when I was doing that. I was laying there, contemplating it all, worrying about it, because I didn't want to miss my exercising! Needless to say, I dragged my butt out of bed while it was still not even completely light out, and got on the treadmill and got in my workout and shower. I was happy afterward, satisfied, and felt that I could get the rest of my day finished with no stress. Do you know what I'm saying here??? I NEEDED and WANTED to workout. I was freaking out when I thought I'd have to miss it!!! I laughed when I realized that. I'm in a good spot these days.

I've lost almost 60 pounds now, in about 6 months time. My doctor says that I'm losing it at a perfect rate, I go in and see her every 3 months so she can monitor how I'm doing. I strongly recommend you get your doctor in on your weight loss program. It helps!

In the meantime, I've also been teaching myself how to eat. I've never once denied myself something that I wanted. BUT...I've eaten it in moderation. Rarely do I eat an entire snickers bar at once...instead, I only take a bite and put it away. Often I even forget I have it! I just need one bite to satisfy a craving...and that's what I take. If I feel like McD's fries...I get fries. Pizza? I eat pizza. But...I've learned to control my portion sizes. I can't eat 3 double cheeseburgers, large fry and a large vanilla iced coffee in one sitting anymore. I'd throw up! But, I eat some fries, a burger, and I do still drink a coffee on occasion, although I try not to get them at McD's because of the high sugar content. Bottom line...don't deny yourself anything. If you do, it'll just cause a binge later on, and we all know how those can be! K and I have also been buying ingredients and making dinners instead of buying boxed stuff and pre-made. It's not good for us to eat all of those preservatives.

I'm also drinking a lot of water. I stopped drinking soda several years ago. I'll have one now and then and it's just not good to me. It just isn't. I'd rather have water than anything else. And I try to drink (and most days it happens) at least 3 litres of water per day. Drinking water actually helps a lot with stuff other than weight loss, as well. It helps with regulating BM's, keeps you hydrated so you don't feel as much need for salt, it keeps you feeling full, and it's just plain healthy for you!

So, in all, I've been doing Isagenix, exercising, seeing my doctor, drinking lots of water, and learning portion control...and it's all working. I'm really happy about my loss so far, and hope to see it continue to fall off. I don't want to be thin...but I do want to be healthy. I feel that I'm well on my way to seeing that goal.

I am currently watching this on streaming Netflix. The documentary itself is poorly put together (music is a bit too loud when there is talking) but the information is incredibly astounding. It is called "Killer At Large". I highly recommend watching it.

I've added a new link to a page on my blog for a blog hop. I do hope to see everyone add their own unique blog to the list. You can find the link on the left side of the blog!

Well here it is, the start of the new year. I don't do silly resolutions anymore, as they always seem to drop by the wayside 2 weeks in...what I do is make realistic goals for myself throughout the year. I've achieved so much this past year with my weight....wow, over 50 pounds and going strong. I wanted so much to start an exercise regime and get my heart healthier but I could just never find that motivation that I needed...I found it, somewhere deep inside me, and now I'm doing awesome with exercising for an hour, 6 days a week. And on the resting day...I actually miss it! Ha. It does get easier the more I lose, though, since the more I lose, the more energy I feel. It all affects the others and creates a nice snowballing effect.

My Hot 100 goals were to drink at least 2.5L of water per day. I am still struggling with this one from time to time, but overall I'm doing rather well with it. Obviously on the weeks that I do better at it, I do see results on the scale.

I also made the goal to keep up my exercise. As I've previously covered above, I'm doing so great with this one. I'm extremely proud of myself for sticking with it, no matter my mood or how little I want to get on from time to time. I figure it is those times that I need it the most and sometimes quite literally have an argument in my head about how much of a quitter I'd be if I didn't get on. That's generally enough right now...I've quit so many times...I don't want to quit this time.

School, well, it's between semesters but I can't wait for the semester to start. I never know quite what to do with myself when school's not in session. Summer kills me. What can I say? I love to learn! I'm really looking forward to my classes coming up. I've signed up for writing fiction (you may have noticed my as yet to be posted on blog), digital photography, and of course, math.

Now for the weigh-in. I went off of my food plan a few times this past week and was actually dreading getting on the scale. I never did stop exercising, though, for which I'm quite happy about. Anyway, I really felt that I'd gained and certainly not lost. However...getting on the scales a little bit ago I was pleasantly gifted with a beautiful loss of THREE pounds! I did say that right...3 pounds! Woohoo!!! Go me!

A little something to make you smile...